I finally decided to do something else besides standing in the kitchen. I walked to my messed up bedroom. A couple different papers from my ‘secret’ nightstand drawer were sprawled on top of my bed.
But, my eyes widened on one item. The shine of the metal reflected my distorted image. I squeezed my eyes shut, allowing my mind to whisper crude remarks before I reopened my eyes. It was still there.
I picked up the knife; to make sure this wasn’t at all a dream. It’s becoming harder and harder to tell whether or not something is reality. My nightmares seem to becoming true or they are just scary repeats of reality.
I rolled up my shirt and almost immediately pressed the blade against my skin. The cool metal felt nice, like some sort of relief. I didn’t slide the blade across to get a thin line of blood; I just let it rest there.
I wasn’t planning on becoming depressed against; I just wanted to relive my distant memories. When you become depressed, it’s a rather alien feeling. You aren’t used to it and you begin to see the world different. The view of the world might not be what you want, but it’s clearly the truth.
Life is just so interesting during depression. You begin to think more. Your brain feels so powerful, and you love power. I loved and hated depression. Your mind controls you. I just don’t want to ever forget what it was like. No, that’s not right. I can’t forget what it’s like because I’m unconsciously letting those unique thoughts back in.
I set the blade back down on the bed and pulled my shirt off. I pulled on another shirt and changed my remaining clothes into something that hadn’t been worn the previous night.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. I nearly had a heart attack. I balled the fabric over my clothed heart, waiting for my heart rate to fall back to normal. I had become so accustomed to the serene silence that I hadn’t been expecting anything but it.
My mind finally realized what was going on. Papers were shoved back into the nightstand drawer; the knife perfectly resting on top. I liked the way the blade finished off the deadly masterpiece.
I rushed out of my messy room, closing the door behind me. I jogged to the front door and threw it open. Standing in the doorway were the four boys. This is great, just great.
“Nialler, haven’t seen your in forever!” Louis exclaimed as he invited himself in; the other boys closely followed behind. Louis was in the mood for chatter, so he left the question unanswered, “So, we have a lot of shit coming up, you better be prepared.”
“Yeah, yeah, I am,” I murmured, “It was nice having a little break.”
I don’t know whether or not that was a lie. Spending time with Emily felt amazing, but at the same time, a bit stressful. It felt like I was always doing something wrong. The overwhelming guilt was difficult, but manageable.
Meanwhile, my parents were a completely different story. I felt anger towards them. I couldn’t figure out why I felt that way. They’re my parents; I’m only supposed to love them, right?
“Your house looks nice,” Liam commented, as he walked further into the room, “Getting neater?”
I shrugged, “I guess so,” I mumbled. I hated how one-dimensional they are. They don’t seem to understand what the real world around them is like. They seem the bright lights of the stage; they hear the screams of adoring fans, and they see the piles of money they receive. Meanwhile, I see everything else.
“You’re not the usual hyperactive Irish kid we’re used to,” Zayn pointed out. I think he was trying to turn it into a joke, but he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. It annoyed me.
“I’m just tired.”
I didn’t even try to make it sound truthful. They can believe it or not. Maybe I am just tired. Tired is just too simple of a word. A more complex word needs to be developed for this feeling. I’d lock it away from the world and keep it to myself.
Liam shrugged, “Well okay,” he didn’t know what else to say. He wouldn’t be able to understand me, “Just regain your energy for the coming week. We got a lot of work to do.”
“Yeah, I know,” I answered. I heated to the kitchen, “Do you guys want anything to eat or drink?” I called, as I headed into the kitchen. The boys laughed, “Acting like a wife, Ni?” Louis joked.
I rolled my eyes, “Shut up or else you won’t get any damn food,” I joked. The boys laughed and then followed me into the kitchen. They began rummaging through my kitchen, pulling out random items.
“You got good food,” Harry said, his mouth full of some sandwich. I couldn’t even force myself to let out a fake laugh. I just nodded and lamely smiled.
“What have you been up to lately?” Liam asked as he grabbed some food from my fridge, just like the others. I nearly looked at them in disgust. I had always thought of them as amazing, but I’m just now realizing how typical they are.
I shrugged, “not much, just relaxing.” Keep it simple, hopefully they won’t question further. Even if they’re kind of bothering me, I don’t want to lie much more.
“Still tired even though you’ve had a lot of time to sleep?” Louis raised his eyebrow in a stupid suspicious look. He laughed, giving up on his attempt to be serious with his mates.
“I’ll bet he’s busy getting into Emily’s pants,” Harry snickered.
That’s what sent me over the edge. I couldn’t stand their damn stupid personalities anymore. They knew nothing about real people. They clearly only cared about usual guy shit. They aren’t anything special.
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled. Silence was the only response I got. The boys were frozen in place. Food was in their hands, but they didn’t bring it up to their mouths. Harry’s eyes had widened at my reaction.
Harry set down his sandwich, “Ni, I’m-” he began, but I interrupted, “Is sex the only damn thing you are about?” I yelled at him. I couldn’t calm myself. Usually I’m so good at pushing my emotions deep down and ignoring everything, but I just couldn’t hold back. Something just snapped.
“Are you that god damn stupid?” I yelled, “I used to think you guys were the best people in the world, but you have no feelings! It’s all about the money, fame, and damn sex in your eyes! I love Emily and I’m not just into sex for her! We haven’t even had sex, so there’s your fucking answer, Harry!”
I stood in front of the boys practically panting. My body slowly moved up and down as I clenched my fists. I couldn’t control myself, and I think I stopped caring, too.
“Niall, don’t take things so seriously…” Harry muttered.
“Get. Out.” I growled. I had to take deep breaths in between. Liam stepped between Harry and me, “Niall, calm down. Harry was just joking, don’t take it seriously. We’re all friends, we shouldn’t be fighting.”
“Get out, all of you,” I repeated, this time they’ll understand that I did not just mean Harry. This time, Louis spoke up, “Come on, Niall!” he whined, “We shouldn’t be fighting! Let’s just work this out rationally!”
“I said get out!” I yelled. The boys stared at me shocked. They finally walked out without saying more. I heard the noise of the door shutting from the kitchen.
Pain shot through my hand as soon as my fist came into contact with the refrigerator door. I groaned, clutching my throbbing fist. I stumbled into the living room and collapsed onto the couch.
“Dammit!” I screamed into my couch pillow. The cotton muffled the noise pretty well, but I didn’t even care if anyone heard me. It’s their fault for listening.
I sat up and hurriedly switched on the TV. I ended up on some random football game. Sure, let’s watch this. It’s probably boring, but boredom is much better than silence.
“Lost everyone, huh?”
I immediately turned around and saw Greg standing behind my couch.
He looked… nice. His face was cleanly shaved, not a single blemish was on the surface of his skin. His hair was perfectly combed. He was wearing a nice suit, clean and perfectly ironed. His shoes were polished and a smirk formed on the corners of his lips, showing off his pearly white teeth.
“Been a while, huh, Ni?” Greg asked. His voice was smooth, like someone cunning. I couldn’t tell what angle he was playing from, but the smirk wasn’t helping drown my suspicions.
“Fine, silence is nice, anyways,” he pointed out. I heard his expensive shoe click against the hardwood floor, as he took a step closer to the couch. His hands gripped the headrest, “So, haven’t been doing too well with Mum and Dad?”
“No,” my words felt like sandpaper in my mouth.
“My fault?” Greg asked. He pulled off a fake innocent look. He gave up on joking with me, chuckling off his own joke, “Who am I kidding?” he murmured to himself, “Of course it’s me!”
“Why are you here?” I finally asked. Greg shrugged, letting go of the hard part of the couch, so he could walk over to me. He stood in front of me, “What? Don’t you want your big brother to visit you? I know you’ve been thinking of me a lot,” he smirked.
“Punishment?” I questioned, crossing my arms over my chest. I felt like Greg was going to pull a knife out from under his blazer and stab me. I was hoping that my arms would partially protect me. Why do I care? Am I even scared of death anymore?
“That’s one way to put it,” Greg shrugged again. He sure likes to look casual, “I just wanted to visit my dear little brother,” his voice was mocking me like I was his five year old little brother again, “You sure did miss me,” he chuckled.
“I killed you.”
I had almost thought that those words would silence Greg, but of course, they just caused him to talk more, “Well, thanks for pointing out the obvious, little bro,” he reached his hand out to ruffle my hair like he used to, but instead he stopped himself and dropped his hand back to his side.
“Does it still hurt?” I asked.
Instead of immediately answering, Greg pulled off his blazer. No knife fell out. He started to unbutton his shirt and that’s when I got suspicious, “Greg, what-” he interrupted me by putting one finger up to his lips.
Greg continued to unbutton his shirt and finally, he pulled it off, exposing a horrific sight.
A giant injury lain in the center of his stomach. Dried blood stuck onto his skin like a leech. It appeared to be a massive hole of torn guts, slaughtered organs, and buckets of blood. Tiny cuts scattered around the main injury.
“There are some things you can’t hide.”
Okay, the line above is important, it’s like if you had an Honor’s English paper it would be the quote you’d have to use to support your answer… psssh no, that doesn’t happen with me every single day in Honors English…. Anyways! It’s important, like foreshadowing. Well, comment, follow, share, tweet, FB like, and vote (Every chapter, please!)! Bye lovelies!
~Lydia♥
