Finding Forgiveness {Jerza}

Picking at Heartstrings

Jellal's P.O.V

"IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Scarlet cried.

I raised an eyebrow. Was she afraid to admit we could be more than friends? I frowned and looked at the ground. Then I saw the sheet, partially dragged across the floor.

OH.

We were both a bright red now. This was insane! I just remembered that less than twenty-four hours ago, we had just reunited as acquaintances. Now we've shared a bed and shared kisses in it; We've shared pain and love in the same dosage. In less than a full rotation of the planet. I was left utterly shocked at this realization, as Erza desperately tried to explain the situation to Meredy, who just stood there with the same blank expression. Meredy nodded here and there, while Erza rambled on about how we didn't just...

I was dragged out of my own thought when she said, "Meredy, you know that him and I could never do something like that! It's crazy to even think of!"

I stayed silent. I know I shouldn't take it completely to heart, Erza was clearly panicking and unfamiliar with the words that escaped those troublesome lips. She was headstrong, and I fully respect that about her. She's noble. I... am not. I'm standing here, listening to her rationalizing her lies, and I can't help but think... I have no problem with admitting how I feel about her. She can deny whatever she wants to Meredy... But she can't deny that she's embarrassed of me to my face.

She should be.

I'm a monster. I'll only lead her down the wrong path. I will only lead her down a future she was never destined to encounter. We share a love, but we don't share a past. The things that happened in my past, I will never be able to take back. Like black ink on a white tablecloth, my memories are stained with the unforgivable tint of darkness and betrayal. To think Erza would kiss a man who once had no problem with killing her.

Despicable.

How could I let this happen? How could I bind the wings of an angel like Erza to a creature of darkness like me?

To not be burnt by the hell fire that surrounds my very being to this day is an ever-present struggle I must endure alone, and without the comfort of love's helping hand. I am undeserving of a woman like Erza Scarlet. Just as Lucifer wishes to reunite with the grace of heaven above, I too wish to reunite with the grace of a higher being.

I raised a hand in the air, motioning them to stop conversing. "There's no need for suspicion. Nothing can or will happen here."

The air went stale with a foreboding silence. The red color faded from Erza's face, as she gazed at me with eyes full of hurt. I slipped away into the hotel bathroom to take a shower and get dressed. The silence remained constant, as I lost the little clothing I still had and stepped into the shower. Twisting the handle, I was welcomed with the comforting heat of the water. This warmth was a contrast to the coldness of my actions.

The cold I'd grown so accustomed to.

A life full of pain, sorrow, and regret. That is the life I choose to lead in commitment to my crimes against humanity. There is no freedom for me. Like a caged bird with broken wings, my heart continues to beat as I prolong the effects of what I've done. To have another show compassion to the inmate I deserve to be is unheard of.

My arms stood as dividers between my forehead and the shower wall and I leaned against them in thought. The water graciously fell upon my back like an artificial rainfall. I remembered the warmth of Erza's back on mine. The smiles we shared. How she held me in my time of need.

The kisses we shared.

The fire that burned inside of me without capacity. The fire only Scarlet could create. The girl I'd admired for so long was within my reach, but all too easily. She deserves to marry a better man. One who's unstained by the deaths of yesterday. I killed Simon. In payment of his loss of life, I hope my own lifetime will suffice.