Slipping Through My Fingers

Finding Peace

4 months had passed since Caleb's funeral. It was November now, the twins had started at the primary school and Amelia-Lily had moved up to the Year 1 class...

Janette sat in the kitchen, tears drying on her face as she watched the kettle boil...she hadn't gotten over the death of her baby boy...he would be 7 months now...possibly sitting up, possibly learning to crawl, starting to talk baby babble, maybe wave? Clap his hands? Aljaz arrived home from dropping the children off at school to find Janette curled up on their bed, holding Caleb's blanket tight to her chest, not wanting to let go. Aljaz lay on the bed next to his wife, wrapping his arms around her, making her feel safe. Tears dripping down her face, "oh baby I miss him so much...why did he have to go? Why us?" She sobbed. Aljaz stroked her head, "I know princess...I miss him too...it's not fair," Aljaz said. Janette wriggled free and sat up on the bed. "I'm sorry...I need to stop this don't I?" Aljaz looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. "Stop what? Being sad? Missing our son? Because I think that you...we...our family have every right to be sad and miss him, he was ours and now he's gone...and I'm not apologising for missing my baby boy," Aljaz said, his eyes brimming with tears. Janette suddenly felt bad, she pulled Aljaz close, "I know bučko....we miss him like crazy.....I've just been selfish...I haven't thought about how you're dealing with losing Caleb, or how the kids are, they're still so young I've bypassed them, not thinking how much they miss their baby brother...the twins have started school and I've hardly payed any attention to the fact that our children are growing up, and if I don't open my eyes I'm going to miss it...I mean I've just stopped everything , I've stopped dancing, laughing, spending time with family and friends...my life has just stopped...and now I need to open my eyes," Janette said, that's the most she had said on the topic of Caleb since the funeral. Aljaz looked at his love, "are you sure bučka?" Janette nodded, "we need to talk about Caleb more...not just him, just talk to the kids, make them laugh, talk about school, dance, trivial things that matter to us. We need to move on, but just not forget the past," she stated. Aljaz gave her half a smile...this sounded a bit more like the real Janette. "So what do you want to do?" Janette hesitated whilst she thought, chewing her bottom lip, "um...I want to cook...make the kids cakes for when they come home from school," she suggested. Aljaz smiled and wiped away his remaining tears, "then that's what we'll do bučka."

They went downstairs, raiding the cupboards for the ingredients to make the cakes. When all the ingredients were laying out on the island Janette pouted, just like Sasa did sometimes. "Hey what's wrong princess?" Aljaz asked, wondering what had deflated her mood. "We don't have any chocolate to use in the cakes," Janette said. Aljaz let out a sigh of relief, knowing that it was something simple...something he could fix, "well you start on making the mixture and I'll go get some chocolate," Aljaz said....Janette shook her head, "I'll come to...I don't want to be without you for a single second," Janette said, a smile returning to her face. Aljaz smiled back, this was a the biggest her smile had been since....since...Caleb had passed. "Okay my love," Aljaz replied, he took her hand and they pulled on their coats, Aljaz wrapping his scarf around Janette's neck, keeping her warm.
When they arrived at Sainsbury's Janette took her husband's hand and the couple ran to the sweet and chocolate section like 2 kids, laughing as they ran. Once they found the sweet and chocolate aisle Janette started throwing different sweets and chocolate into the basket that Aljaz was patiently holding, she was like a whirlwind with Aljaz's scarf whipping round as she turned from shelf to shelf, their favourite sweet goodies being flung into the metal basket. When it had been filled to the brim the couple made their way to the checkout, the basket swinging behind them.
At home they unloaded their purchases onto the island, Aljaz looked at all the items that contained high amounts of sugar..."I think we should've bought toothpaste...we're going to need a lot of it after the kids consumed all this...and maybe a couple of treadmills for them to burn off all the energy," he said. Janette giggled and rolled her eyes, "they're allowed a treat....and we won't use all of it...anyway, we can help them eat it....right?" Janette said, Aljaz laughed and wrapped his arms around Janette's skinny waist, pulling her flat against his chest. She looked up at him and kissed him, that was the first time she had kissed him since they lost their son; because she wanted to, not because she thought that was what husband and wife were supposed to do. "So, shall we make these cakes?" Aljaz said, Janette nodded and untangled herself from Aljaz's arms and started weighing out the correct ingredients that the recipe book told her, every now and then adding a piece of chocolate or a handful of sweets to the mixture. Aljaz sighed, shaking his head, flicking flour at her Janette giggled, flicking it flour back at him....it reminded him of the time before their lives stopped...when Caleb's heart stopped...
Aljaz ran upstairs followed by Janette to get changed out of their cake mixture clothes. They ran into their ensuite, flicking the shower in, letting the hot water splash down. Janette pulled her jumper over the top of her head, diving into the shower, Aljaz diving in after her. Janette tilting her head back, letting the water run through her hair and down her back, peeling all the cake mix off. Refreshed....

Aljaz kissed Janette on the cheek as he left her to go and collect the kids from school. She was coating the rather hot cakes in different kinds of chocolate, melted, placing an array of different coloured m&m's and haribo sweets on top. Aljaz waited in the playground for his 3 children. The school bell rang and Amelia-Lily, Sasa and Leonardo were 3 of the first children to come running out into the playground. "Where's Mummy?" Sasa asked as she hung onto Leonardo and Aljaz's hand, Aljaz rolled his eyes, "well it's lovely to see you to Sasa," he said as they walked out of the playground, making their way to the car. Sasa sighed, "hi Daddy...but where is Mummy?" Aljaz opened the car door for them to climb in, then leaned in the car to do up their seat belts, "she's at home....she's looking forward to see you all." Amelia-Lily let out a sigh of relief, maybe that meant that her mother was getting back to normal, she might even start to smile. The children ran inside the house looking for Janette. They found her in the kitchen, wearing a pair of ocean blue jeans and one of Aljaz's jumpers, coming down to just a over her knees, she felt safe wearing it. Janette's face lit up when she saw her children, spinning them all round in turn, their laughter filling the room. They sat at the table, sinking their teeth into the freshly made cakes...still warm....bliss....