MONTGOMERY 3 : If Only

Chapter 30

Just love me.

"Are you crazy?!"

"Hah?"

Mabilis niya akong hinila palapit sakanya at pinayungan. Napasinghap ako sakanyang ginawa at napahawak sakanyang dibdib para hindi ako masubsob.

Napalunok ako at huminga ng malalim para mag angat ng tingin sakanya. The rain was pouring so heavy like how his eyes were heavy while they were looking at me.

"I'm glad you're here.." I whispered.

Malungkot akong napangiti habang tinitignan ang kanyang mga mata. I can see that he was shocked from what he heard from me. Naninikip ang puso at tyan ko, tipong hindi ako makahinga.

"What?" He asked.

Umiling ako. "I am happy you're safe. Akala ko mauulit nanaman yung panahon na makikita kitang nag aagaw buhay. I can't bear to see you like that.. I don't know what to do if I will see you like that.. again."

A tear escaped from my eye.

Parang tataas ang mga balahibo ko sa pwesto namin. We're too close and I can't think properly. His eyes were just so perfect that I can't take to see them this close yet I don't want it to look away.

Ang selfish ko.. sobra sobra.

Pero sakanya lang.

"I'm safe. May pinaayos lang naman si dad sa akin. Natagalan lang ako dahil may nahulog na puno sa kabilang bayan at nahirapan akong makadaan. I am so sorry.." litong litong pagpapaliwanag niya.

Tumango ako.

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. Ayaw kong makita niya akong ganito pero hindi ko mapigilan. Ayaw kong magmukha akong ganito sa harap niya pero ayaw magpapigil ng damdamin ko. Sasabog ata ako pag hindi ko 'to nalabas.

I just want to be true to myself..

But being true means destroying everything.

"Why are you crying? I am so sorry if I made you worry.. damn, Tulip. Gusto kong nag-aalala ka sa akin pero kung iiyak ka lang ng ganito, mas gugustuhin ko pa na wala ka nalang pakielam sa akin.. actually no. Fuck. Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto ko. I want you to care for me but I hate to see you cry."

Mas lalo akong napahagulgol sa sinabi niya. Mabilis ko siyang inabot at yinakap ng mahigpit. Naramdaman ko na natigilan siya sa ginawa ko pero hindi ako bumitaw. I hugged him how I wanted to and I sobbed hard like there will be no tomorrow.

My heart is aching but hugging him like this made me feel like it's okay to feel like this.

Dati.. sabi ko, gusto ko ng pagmamahal na pinaglalaban. Love that is worth figting for but is it this? Is this what I want? Ang alam ko lang naman.. hindi ko kayang bitawan 'to.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ko kayang dalhin 'to pero hindi ko ata kayang pakawalan 'to. I'm being a sinner yet I can't let it go. I want to kill myself for feeling like this but I wanted to be with him. Especially now..

"Tulip.." he traced.

I felt his arms wrapped around me.

"May nangyari ba? Are you okay?" Puno ng pag-aalala niyang tanong.

"I am not okay." Maagap kong sagot.

Iyon naman ang totoo..

"What-"

"I am not okay, Simon. I was never okay. Since the day I felt different towards you, I was never okay again. Your eyes.. sobra sobra akong naiinis tuwing nakatingin yan sa iba. Your touch.. I hate them for they make me feel different but still, I want it all for myself. I am such a sinner Simon but this is how I feel. I don't know when or what or how but this is what I feel. I'll die feeling this way."