CLOSER | H.S.

47.

Valerie's pov.

"Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity.

...

How to Know If Someone is Gaslighting You: 

You are constantly second-guessing yourself, you feel the need to apologise all the time for what you do or who you are, you feel like you're constantly overreacting, you feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with you, [...]."

It was as if I was watching myself inside of a movie, an entire motion picture about my life. Except that I never agreed to be a part of this, nor did I ask for it.

I never thought I could be so disappointed at a person that I cared about in my entire life. But the fact that I liked Zayn only made me weak and all it did was make him have the possibility to have me on the palm of his hand, right where he wanted me. To manipulate me into the submissive doll he wanted me to be, with no thoughts, no opinions, always wrong.

But not me, bítch.

The black curtain has fallen, I can see it clearly now. I could see him for who he really was on the inside, and it has lifted a weight from my shoulders. I am now light and free.

I wasn't going to blame myself for this, though. I was nothing but his victim, Zayn's twisted mind games didn't fool me anymore.

And he had to pay for this. I won't let him do this to any other woman who is unlucky enough to fall for his cheap charms.

Even Harry, who is basically a mass murderer by now, hasn't done such a low thing to me. And I believe he hasn't done this do Angelina either, since he tells me that he explicitly says to her how he feels about their relationship. The fact that he hated her wasn't hidden at all. 

Was I any better? No. I've been cheating on him with his best friend who is about to get married in a few months. I am absolutely in love with a man that isn't mine, there was no doubt on that. But at least I wasn't mentally abusing Zayn, so I don't know which one of us is worse: the abuser, the cheater, or the murderer.

I needed to be sedated, because the amount of feelings I was getting was overwhelming me. I missed Harry so much, I hated Zayn  for what he did to me. I felt powerless, but I wasn't going to sit around and wait for things to happen.

I wanted to use drugs, I wanted to kill Zayn, I wanted to be in Harry's presence. It was all too much.

"Are you okay?" Lara surprised me by entering my room unannounced, making me jump out in my spot.

"What?" I asked her, so caught up in my thoughts that I needed a moment to get back to reality.

"I said, are you okay? You've been crying very loudly for the past half hour."

"I'm okay", I looked back at the paper in front of me, wiping my cheek with the back of my hand. "I've read about gaslighting."

"And?"

"And, as you can see, I'm quite surprised."

Lara came closer to me and looked at what I was working on, without my permission. I had made a bunch of unconscious drawings as I poured what I was feeling into that paper with red paint. It reminded me of the night I killed a man.

"That's... Disturbing", Lara commented on what she saw. "Do you need anything?"

"I need to be alone right now", I tried to tell her to get the fúck out without being too rude. She understood the way I processed this, so she nodded and left my room without another word.