Falling For the Angels // Destiel & Samifer

Chapter Twenty Nine

~Dean~

Cas' hand on my shoulder distracted me from my deep thoughts. He grabbed my leather jacket softly and pulled me to a corner with him. Sam went to go and have a shower.

"What's wrong?" Cas asked with concern all over his face.

"Nothing", I shrugged with fake carelessness.

"Dean, I know when you're not okay", Cas told me and my head turned to look at his hand which was still on my shoulder.

"Look, I'm fine", I sighed frustratedly, getting a bit irritated.

"Dean-"

"Cas, nothing is wrong", I snapped, "I'm fine. So just stop suffocating me. You're being so clingy all of a sudden".

I pushed past him and my shoulder lightly, but harsh enough, knocked into his chest. I didn't look at him. I didn't want to look at him. I knew what his expression would be anyway.

Grabbing my car keys, I opened the door but Cas said something that made me stop.

"Why do you always run away whenever we get close?"

My hand clenched on the door handle and I shut it, turning back to face Cas.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, feeling angry for reasons that I couldn't simply explain.

"It's just..." Cas looked down, suddenly shy again. He didn't expect me to turn back around and now he didn't know what to say.

"Listen to me", I approached Cas and stood only centre metres away from him, "This closeness between us. It's friendship. Okay? I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea, Cas. But that's not my fault"

"It is", Cas muttered under his breath just loud enough for me to hear.

"What?"

Cas sighed and he met my eyes. I frowned because his sad expression was back and it always killed me a little bit to see him looking so broken.

"It is your fault", Cas said but in more of a calm tone than an angry one, "You've either got some serious stuff to sort out with yourself or you're just doing this to mess with me. And I couldn't imagine you being cold-hearted enough to do the last one".

I was taken aback by Cas' sudden change in the way he spoke. He actually sounded...human for once.

"Is that what you're doing?" Cas continued, looking at me so deeply that it looked as if he was staring into my soul, "You're so angry with yourself sometimes. Dean, has it ever occurred to you that everything isn't your fault?"

Cas paused.

"In fact, nothing is your fault".

"What is this?" I tried to laugh, "Some kind of therapy session?"

"I can't make you take my advice", Cas sighed, "But start thinking about yourself for once. What do you want?"

I knew what I wanted. I didn't want to face what I wanted. The one true thing I craved was lingering at the back of my head; so distant yet so clear.

"Cas, let me explain something to you", I smiled coldly, "People like us. We don't get what we want. Even if you do get it, it'll only last for a few days before it completely blows up in your face and you're...you're just left in a never-ending pit of no hope. So, if I'm honest, I'm done with thinking about what I want".

Cas was silent and he was looking at me with sympathy.

"I'm sorry", Cas looked down again.

"Yeah", I nodded slightly, harshly gripping the car keys in my hand, letting them dig into my skin, "Thanks".

"No, Dean", Cas shook his head, his eyes becoming watery, and I didn't understand why he was upset, "I'm sorry. I could've stopped this. I could have stopped all of this".

"What?" I asked with confusion, "No, you couldn't have. You do realise that you've made this so much easier for Sam and I, don't you?"

Cas didn't reply and a single tear streamed down his face.

"Cas", I sighed and felt my free hand reaching up to stroke his cheek.

"You can't do that", I shook my head with a small smile, "You can't give me a big lecture about not thinking it's my fault only to start blaming yourself".

"Dean, sometimes I just-" Cas started but was cut off when Sam walked out of the bathroom.

I quickly removed my hand from his face and Cas wiped his eyes subtly.

"You guys are still talking?" Sam half heartedly laughed, a towel thrown on around his neck, "Must be important".