tired blue boy//phan

I'll be gone for a bit (READ!)

Hey guys! It's Laney. So all of this is kind of past, so I'm gonna tell you although I don't really want to, I feel like all of you deserve an exclamation as to why I will be gone for a while.

So for a while now I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts. I've been self harming and things just haven't been too great. I don't really want to get into why this has been happening but it's been happening. So my parents went through my ENTIRE FREAKING PHONE.

Which obviously is including every single time I have gone to a friend to get help because

1) I just self harmed

2) I'm thinking about self harming

3) I'm thinking about killing myself

Which I had never gone to them to.

Most my childhood my parents were kind of distanced from us (me and my brothers), which knowing they're seeing this I'll probably get in trouble but you know what I have a perfectly fine reason as to why I'm saying this. They would just hand us a new electronic and boom, they didn't have to take care of us. We never went outside, and doing things as a family (going out to dinner or having dinner as a family) was a rare occasion.

So now that they've seen the way I feel by going through my phone, they want all of this to change. I mean they've said multiple reasons as to why they've taken my devices away, but were never too specific, so I'll just say the two I remember.

1) They want us to get closer as a family so I do come to them for these things.

2)  They think that being on the internet is the reason I don't take this seriously (which I do) and since a lot of people I know on the internet have the same issue as me (which is usually how we meet), they think I think that having these issues is normal.

This is long passed for me. There was a problem last week, but before that I hadn't been having issues for a while. I mean they're way late and it kinda sucks that things are just now changing when the issue is past. 

So I do have my laptop for my use (which is usually what I use to write for you guys), but now I can't have it anywhere unless anyone could walk up behind me and see what I'm writing.

This makes me extremely uncomfortable, and not because like I'm writing stuff I don't want them to see because I know they can see each and every single time I publish, it just makes me uncomfortable. And it's not like I ever write to you guys asking for help, I never have, never will. So I don't really see how that's fair.

So this sucks.

I will try to update as often as possible for you guys but it will be very hard, as I really don't want to write so my whole family can see what I'm writing.

Bye guys xx