Hallelujah

chapter thirty-three

It had been a week since I found out about Brendon's secret and I hadn't moved since. I was staying at Hannah's in the extra room they had and I hadn't gotten out of bed except to use the bathroom. I hadn't eaten anything, I hadn't gone to school. I didn't want to be seen any more, I just wanted to be invisible. My phone had been blowing up with texts from Pete, Dallon, Ryan, and Patrick, but I hadn't gotten a single text or call from Brendon. I heard a small knock on the door and it opened before I could respond.

"Hey," Hannah said walking in and sitting in the edge of the bed. I stayed quiet and looked anywhere but at her. "How are you?"

"How do you think I am?" I asked.

"Alex, I don't even know what to say. I wish I did, but I can't even produce words for how sad I am that this happened," she said quietly.

"Yeah, me either."

"Patrick wants to know if he could stop by after school today," she said.

"I'm really not in the mood for visitors," I said like it was obvious.

"Come on, he really cares about you Alex. Plus I think it could do you some good to see someone other than me or my mother," she laughed lightly.

"Fine, but only him, and only for a little bit," I stated. She nodded and got up to leave but before she walked out the door she let out a sigh. "I'm really sorry."

I leaned over the side of the bed and unzipped my back pack pulling out my sketch book. I flipped through the pages and looked at all the memories I had made in the past month. When I got to the back of the note book all our polaroid photos fell out and I picked them up one by one looking at them intently. I couldn't believe it had all been a lie.

Part of me believed deep down that Brendon was genuinely sorry about this all. He did say he wanted to call it off, but there was no way I was ever going to be able to forgive him for this. I didn't think it was possible for a human to experience this much pain but I guess there's been a lot of things I've been wrong about lately.

I saw Patrick open the door to my temporary room slowly and walk in in pure silence. He sat down on the floor leaning his back against the dresser across the room. He took his fedora off and ran his hands through his bright orange hair.

"Look, Alex, I know you probably don't want to talk or see me right now but I just knew you needed some company," he said. His voice was usually so soft and calming but now it was shaky and he stumbled on his words.

"I'm glad you came. You're right, I needed company," I said honestly. I didn't want to become an isolated depressed mess but I couldn't bring myself to call anyone over.

"Really?" he said his voice a little more calm. I nodded and he let out a sigh. "I'm really sorry Alex."

"Why does everyone keep saying that? It's not your fault," I said. "Everyone says I'm sorry in these situations and it doesn't make sense. Like when someone dies, everyone says I'm sorry but it's not their fault they're dead, they had nothing to do with it. I don't get all the apologies," I said. That was the most I had talked since last week but I just didn't understand it.

"I think it's because everyone wants to help and make the situation go away but they can't. I feel like people say it because they just want to fix you, but they can't. No matter how hard they try they can't fix someone's feelings." For as quiet and shy as Patrick was he had a way with words. He knew how to talk people through stuff and he was a wise kid.

"I guess," I said looking down at my feet that hung off the bed.

"I just want you to know that I really do believe that Brendon cares about you more than anything in the world. I could tell from the way he looked at you, the way he talked about you, the way he was acting after he met you was so different. It was like he was a new person, someone who was happy and someone who felt like they could accomplish anything as long as they had the right person by their side," he said.

"I thought so too." Patrick looked down and pulled his sweater into his palms playing around with a loose string. "How is he?" I asked. I can't just stop caring about him, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. He was such a big part of my life.

"I don't know," he said.

"You haven't talked to him?" I asked shocked.

"No one has, he hasn't answered calls, texts, and he won't even answer the door when we go over there. No one has seen him since the," he paused. "The fight," he stuttered. I felt my heart breaking knowing that he was probably doing the same thing I was, being a depressed mess.

"Aren't you a little worried about him?" I asked.

"Of course we are, but Brendon's a big boy he has stuff to work out and if he needs to be alone to do that he should be alone."

"I know where he keeps his spare key," I said placing my feet on the ground and standing up.

"What are you doing?" Patrick said standing up.

"It worries me that he hasn't contacted anyone, at least I have Hannah checking up on me all the time, but Brendon's alone. That makes me worried," I said. I threw a sweater on and put on my slippers. I tied my hair into a loose bun and looked at Patrick. 

"Will you drive me to Brendon's?"

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Just kind of a filler chapter but don't worry I have plenty more left to share with you!