Self Deception

35 / Hollow

4-15-17
It's substance to sleep
It's food for thought
It's nothing to eat
And it's lying to god.

We're talking trailer houses,
Stained subfloors painted brown,
Shade titled something mahogany.
We're talking light filtration,
Long phone calls to destany,
Mania mania mania,
Finding an old Sims game,
That held the memory of a place I left,
As a wanderer-
Playing a part in an act, a scene,
I couldn't hold beneath myself,
For somebody who's got me standing like a fighter.
Corner me all you want,
But only a fool shows all of his cards at once.
I hold back and swallow my own tongue,
Grinding my teeth and clenching my fists.
Faking being sick just to come home and steal your pills,
Just to come home and get this headache off my mind,
Get this blood from my veins,
And you believe me,
For some reason,
As the rain collects in groups of grey above.
I shut the car door and grab your keys as you pull up to the curb.

They tell me I'm not alone,
And it's hard to believe I don't have a thing to love,
Because I wish to throw it away.
They tell me to keep getting better,
Because my wrists are clean,
But my hands are shaking-
The tv is on,
Ridiculousness and a thousand faces,
Midnight all too soon.
I need it before I have it,
I need it before I've taken a damn thing,
And I'm shaking shaking shaking
Holy fuck don't tell me you're here for me,
Because every goddamn bottle is flashing
And this carpet feels lower than it should,
At an elevation that would later feel like the top of the world to a person like me.
Take me to the coffin,
I'm in deep,
And you think I'm spilling secrets
But they'll never fully be yours.

It's swimming pools,
The smell of chlorine sticking to my skin,
Just like you did,
Hotels away,
Telling me how you'll sneak in.
But it never did happen
And I sat on a bathroom floor
And it all made sense to me then,
How accessible it'd have been.
Razors only a question away,
I could dress it in excuse.

I told you I said no,
As I played Light Tunnels,
Just to hear that magic buried in the background.
Between that and Otherside,
I'd have problems, here.
And neon cathedral-
Running through me more than anything I should be memorizing.
Too much life to live,
Too much apathy to harbor.

And I know we've gotten lower,
And I know we've lost every ounce of what we had,
And I know we've been scarred so deep,
That the physical cuts don't do enough justice,
Because to trust is now rare.
I know we've made it through suicide nights,
A thousand times,
Just to burn it all down,
Rip the history off the wallpaper,
And I know we've made it through the anxiety and seen it escalate,
We've seen it get dirty,
We've seen the world.
This is for you,
Somebody I can't say I am anymore,
And I'd be lying if I told you that wasn't the greatest loss yet.
But we'll meet again,
Someday,
And I promise,
You'll see something great.
And I miss you.
I've seen the nights they haven't,
I'll be around.
- (m.m)

Written to Neon Cathedral by Macklemore, meant for who I was a year ago. I'm quite attached to this. It'd be cool if I had a way to show you everything, let it play out as a montage the way I see it in my head so you'd know how it really looks.