Self Deception

49 / Closing Statements

5-13-17
I'm afraid I'll miss you,
I'm afraid I already do,
And worst of all,
I'm terrified to love you,
Because it's nothing like thrill.

Trade you down the line for poison,
But it's not easy
When you're the reason I say no to breathing
Chemicals just for the feeling,
Of anything at all.

Hallways flicker,
So I flick, too,
Ash dances down and falls
With my feet.
I sway, I swing,
I'm on my way to the last door.

You've been a trip,
And you know the type of person I am.
Take a glass, no chaser.
I've been day faded
Since day break, and,
I'm all the fuck alone.
My tongue has bitter undertones,
But I've washed the sweet down,
It burned in my throat.
There's no more facade,
I'd suggest you step out,
Shut the screen door unless
You wanna smell like smoke,
If you know what I'm saying.

Doorknobs, cold to the touch,
Fourteen doors down.
The tiles are chipped above the trim.
I'm in the right place.
Ready?
Ready.
Turn, push.

So maybe I burnt bridges,
But I'm swimming in your headspace,
We've got each other needing it.
I can feel the edges of your eyes,
As they ripple.
I wanna taste salt, but you don't want to taste what I've got mixing in my bloodstream.

Door clicks into place behind me,
I throw my cigarette on the floor,
Put it out and hope nothing burns.
But it's not like I'll be a tragedy,
Up in flames.
Cloaked faces start talking,
I slip answers.
They grab my fingers,
Uncurl them,
And look at me,
Black, endless.
"Are you ready to end this?"

Smile, let the world feel it.
You're so rich,
But I don't conserve,
I only keep distance,
Although it's more of an instinct.
I love you,
And now I've said it,
Because the guilt took up too much space-
The concepts were bound to kill each other.

Load me up,
Lock me in,
I ask for whiskey.
The bullets click,
Spell out way too much.
We're in for it now.
Stepping forward,
My body doesn't know trauma
From personality at this point,
But I think this is a packaged deal,
For both.

My ocean,
I'm sorry.
I've said it before but this time,
It's really over.
I head past a glass panel,
You sit on a chair, tied,
Those wrists I draw my eyes to,
Now red.
My gaze slowly takes you in,
I swallow hard.
Your jeans,
Lowcut,
Always suit you,
They're faded just enough,
I know they're used to you.
Your lips next,
Deserve my attention.
Always close, never enough,
But they're tempting.
I wait a second before your eyes hit me,
Like a tidal wave.
God, it hurts.
The gun comes up,
And I know there's no way out.
"We can't be freed of each other.
If one of us goes out,
We carry it regardless.
There are two bullets.
You capable or do you need me to do it?"
Your voice is still like honey,
Like perfectly sanded and stained wood,
Like smooth edges,
And even tone,
"You wanna kill me?"
I lean over, hair in my eyes,
And you can't look away,
But you wouldn't be crying if you could.
"I don't want to live without you,
Or let you see this.
I didn't even bring you here,
To be honest."
"Do it." Your breath wraps around my neck,
Just enough that I almost choke.
"I love you." And I let go, and everything went gray.
His blood is in my veins,
Thrown across the clock.
I can handle this, I have to handle this.
⁃ (m.m)