Self Deception

53 / House of Memory

5-26-17
I'm watching, you'll be home, soon.
Music's been loud lately,
The Devils voice is getting worse
(He'll be high by the time you're here).
Quite a nice day,
I hope you don't miss me.

I feel the capacity of six sets of lungs,
All filling the floorboards.
So you wish to stay?
Careful where you look.

You've gotta leave, only for a bit,
But when you come back,
It's only with five sets,
And maybe odds don't settle well.
The screams ricochet
And I'm sorry you hear the echoes,
But these words can't leave here.

I see secrets,
Play out,
Below the bad memories.
Below the pain.
I'm happy you're reckless,
I'm happy she's here.
I'm happy she sees me,
Most of all.
Be good to her,
She's not like the others.
/ walls /

Fucking piece of shit,
I look at him and see mirrors in those brown eyes.
I know he ain't mine,
And I know he does some of the shit I'm doing,
But he's no good.
Wish they'd have kicked him out.

He's a fucking piece of shit,
Just a mirror,
He's no good.
He's toxic.
Needs to leave.

I'm a fucking piece of shit,
Devils demon,
Hate mirrors made of glass more than I hate him,
And I'm toxic.
I need to leave,
They should've kicked me out
But noo, they're so kind because they're family.
I'm a fucking piece of shit,
And I know it's nothing to do with him.

Anger, it's my lifeline,
And maybe I hope it'll kill him,
Somehow,
So I don't have to remember who I really am.
/ devil /

I've been watching your wrists,
Hang over the steering wheel,
You'll throw me cigarettes while I'm sitting shotgun,
And if we didn't have an audience,
I might just grab your hand.
The speed limit isn't a worry.
A warrant isn't a worry.
A seatbelt isn't a worry.
A relationship isn't my worry.
A stigma around your name
Isn't.
A.
Worry.

You do it with confidence,
And it's new,
Refreshing.
Reminds me why I'm so intrigued by people,
Their dynamics.

Elastic heart.
There's wind in my hair,
Smoke in my mouth,
Desire in my eyes.
Numbers on a meter,
Higher higher higher
You take me to the clouds.

Your basement is a place of great aesthetic,
It says entirely too much,
And yet not enough.
I steal glances and I'm attracted to your pain.
Roll up a J,
And we're not beneath the floors,
Not any longer.
But like our smoke,
We let our charisma rise with it,
But I trust this place-
It'll keep its mouth shut.

Start my morning off with a cigarette.
Next to you.
Sunlight in my fingers.
Your eyes are thieves for the way they take me from the truth,
But I don't have to have you,
Just quiet the temptation.
And I feel no remorse,
It's something I can switch on and off
Like a ceiling fan.
"Will you roll and ride like we're together and keep the vibe alive forever??"
Guilt gone,
Kind of like me.
I don't need a drink to want you,
And if times running out-
Fuck it.
/?/

She's bright,
Glowing, almost,
And I'm not scared to show her,
For some reason.
And I'm all up in my head
By the time she's up front.

You're an adrenaline junkie,
And you don't question me once
While we speed.
It feels new, oddly.
I listen to your logic,
Tilt the mirror so I've got a sightline,
Because you seem to enjoy looking.

You're a natural,
I learn-
Lighting up and passing.
I like the way you blow smoke,
But God, you put my hat on
And it's almost like you're telling me to just do it.
I know you wear his clothes
But that jacket he left,
Used to be mine.

"It's your summer to live" I tell them,
Speak with experience,
Speak with intelligence.

And she's illegal,
But I bite my lip
And I want her like she's lethal.
I'm not sorry.
She's a trip,
And I feel the heights at one sip,
She's not mine
But she'll swing her hips.
I'm not sorry.
I'm not sorry.

When we're at the house, you can smell pot from outside,
And I've asked subtle questions,
Wanting to know you.
Wanting to learn you.
We'll put pieces together.

After the devil did his daily work,
Your eyes changed.
They aren't the way they were
Up the mountain,
Reversing on a cliff,
Hitting trees,
Speeding,
Smoking.
You watch, but with depth this time,
Not just interest.
And I keep my feelings under my dinner plate,
So we can let it follow us downstairs.
You shouldn't see this.

We're on my mattress,
Temptation-
Check.
You look at me and say dumb shit,
But it's cute,
And this has been fun.
I enjoy you,
Maybe a little too much.

You ask me why I'd ask about him,
And I don't hold back,
"I want to kiss you."
And we've done it,
I didn't need to ask four times
For assurance-
Because once is enough to fuck up.
I know you're capable of this.
We kiss like you don't have somebody
And I'm somewhere I belong.
The walls seemed to relax with you,
So I follow suit.

"You're a very cryptic girl.. You're mysterious."
/K/
- (m.m)