Self Deception

108 / Dip Into Whats In My Past For a Minute

2-12-18
My brother Michael,
Used to come back home,
To a trailer,
Cabinets filled with NyQuil.
And when he'd leave,
My mom would cry,
But those tears that you weep,
Were they for the floors
You never swept
Of your kids' childhoods,
We in the hood, cooking meth,
And do you see what I see?
Push it under, where they don't check,
And your wood stays clean,
We don't look quite a mess,
But it's more than forgetting to eat,
And circles marking lack of sleep,
It's never as easy as we brush it off to seem.
Coming home from school,
She starts to cry and tell me,
And my sister, she wants to leave,
The world, only alive for nicotine,
And oh yeah, the dogs are gonna die,
And she wonders why it left our hearts heavy,
But animals were a better choice to confide,
Than she was, where the narcissist lies.
And we stayed for her,
Tied like rain to grey skies,
And she threw it away,
For sparks and the lies-
For filling her stomach with nothing but butterflies,
And I hope he realizes you're a waste,
What's in your head,
Is so bitter it takes away the taste,
You're a playground for death-
And Satan says to wait,
He wants a good shot up your skirt,
Cause mom, you're fucked,
And it isn't just you that that hurts.
Your mouth like a treadmill,
It runs straight to the dirt,
And I promised id be higher,
And taller than that nametag on your shirt,
Whatever it means,
And how it pins to not just you but also me,
And if I could describe the distance,
I'd tell you it's everything that I need,
Because I've seen them get close,
To the toxins you breathe,
And it taught me to be alone,
..
You taught me to be alone,
And I thank you for that,
But you don't know picking up the phone
To a suicide call,
While it shakes to the white in your bones,
Flips you inside out,
And there's a text from unknown.
Looking through the locks,
And I laugh when they call this home,
I'm filled with the oceans depths
But the bottom is fucking cold,
I got heat in a cup now,
And I tell them I wanna be alone,
Its so hard to imagine I've caught your kind of cold,
And I beg for isolation,
Cause downing love,
All I ever do is choke.
And I dig at the graveyards,
For the meaning of hope,
And I love people,
Dillon told me that crowds fill the holes,
We carry them like purses,
But you know, brands just get old.
And I've been at this for years,
Apathetic, and I fuck what I'm told,
On my knees, I'm asking you to listen,
Cause this is a part of me until it's not just my mind that's this goddamn old.

And I ask if you regret,
Because of that word, I'm clueless,
I live like I'll die,
Cause every night it's like "just do it"
I'm not trying to be cliche
But how the fuck you want me to prove it?
It's only a piece that I've layed
Cause I'm a puzzle you'd never go through with.
Trust me, they tried to figure me out
But I'm a mystery, elusive.
Tricks up my sleeves,
They say I'm on the brink and I'll lose it,
But tightly wound rope
Is pretty fucking hard to loosen,
Feel it at my throat,
But mania keeps me alive,
And it cycles in like a season,
To bring back feeling like it's all right,
And it keeps me from speaking,
Because here there is no light,
And I've learned of acceptance and change,
And turned my days to night,
To keep myself awake,
And I love what I've done,
And it pushes me to break,
But I asked for all of it,
If I didn't accept it,
I'd just change.
On this, you'd never get a grip,
I'm the concept,
The numbers to an equation that don't fit,
And my trust is something you don't get handed,
You earn everything from me,
Or deserve everything that you get.
⁃ (m.m)