Self Deception

33 / White Light vs Ocean Tides (lie s(ecrets))

And it was 1am, and she stole you some snipes so you could smoke out my window and I snuck you inside, and fuck school tomorrow. You kept leaning back and I watched you, as we played Marilyn Manson and Post Malone. White Christmas lights lined my ceiling, which normally made everything feel a little cold but you filled the room instead, so the walls dripped, and every source of light were only eyes, strung on a chord meant to snap from the weight of energy drink cans. This room has seen pills and blood, but it's seen you, now. I know it wasn't a week ago I told you where my commitment lies but you see, I'm never good at that anyways, so I throw you looks, that you catch and keep, when you laugh and meet my eyes to tell me you've gotta leave. It's fine if you dip, so I edge off my mattress, and since you've been looking in the full length mirror, your attention is divided. Standing up, I get close, trace the slope of your nose with my eyes and go to hug you. But you don't look past my shoulder this time, and your fingers go to dance on my neck, delicately, like you've never seen a trigger. You kiss me, slow, and you remind me of something I lost once, but I guess I forget what the cost was, since I've drawn it to you.. I could hardly contain myself as you said something stupid and hugged me and maybe 1:30 a.m. on a Thursday was better timing than either of us were ever gonna get.

Snipes out my window,
So the nicotine rush could speed your lungs
On their way to death.
Everybody here is into it, though,
We run with the crowd.

Beats and glances
Cut short
Like the ends of hair in June,
I'm throwing you lots of interest
When I should be letting go.
And everybody knows
The kind of reputation I hold,
I'm so used to seeing it come and go.

The eyes are watching,
They're in strings,
Close to the ceiling
But never touching,
And the sky has been too bright lately-
So I talk to the faces,
While I'm shaking,
On the moonlight and my memory.

The holes beneath my eyes could hold lakes,
But you don't mind swimming,
So you brush me on your way out,
Blowing smoke to God.

Not sleeping is worth it,
As hallways become holding cells
For inside jokes across the smirk you wear.
They don't have to understand,
But they're going to ask.
And even if I stayed true to my word,
I'm still drawn to you quite heavily.
Do you think he could hold me down?
Do you think he could touch me like you touch me,
And find a way to make me drown?
Fuck.
I'm gonna burn,
Down until I'm coal,
To fuel another fire,
And my water will all evaporate-
Nobody will drift these tides,
Yet you'll manage to tell me how I've hurt you,
But baby, I'm just being honest.
I've been holding out for you,
And I'd be a liar to say you weren't the longest,
I know that's not enough,
And I'm not sure what you want me to do,
Because the stories are making noise
And I just wanna be real with you.
I've got a lot of options,
All of 'em are feeling new.
I wasn't lying when I said I was feeling you,
With your oceanic eyes,
Had to wonder if you were feeling blue.
And I'm sorry I'm doing this to you,
But we hide it from the flash of innocence,
And keep every word on the down low.
But secrets don't keep,
And they'll catch us like deer in the headlights.
The storm awaits,
Right around the corner of fate,
And I've gotta float in the bliss
Before I see that day.
- (m.m)