Ranting, Raging, and General Fangirliness [FIRST OF MANY BOOKS] {COMPLETED}

since its not gunna be published . . .

Here, for your enjoyment, an exclusive book that was going to be published but then my mom rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and rAN MY ASS OVER
SHE SAID I COULDNT GO TO THE CLASS WHERE THEY WERE TEACHING US TO DO IT
I WASNT READY
AND YA KNOW THE TERRIBLE THING??
SHE WAS RIIIIGGGHHHT

So. Here's the book. Sorry for getting you excited about it being published. Oh well.

A Half-Caf Soy Latte With Extra Doom, Please.
By Willow Yocky.(false name, btw)

To my fellow fangirls, my family, my friends,
To the people who all stuck with me until the very end,
My mentor, my mother, my besties too,
But out of all these people, most of all,
This is for you.

******
Iliza sighed as she attempted to change the filter in the temperamental coffee brewer she so despised. The employee before her had quit solely because they insisted that the brewer, ironically dubbed Buddy, was possessed and trying to kill them. It wasn't that Iliza didn't believe the stories, in fact she had a few of her own, but she wouldn't quit because of some demented coffee brewer that had a tendency to shoot boiling water at people. Besides, she needed the money.
The coffee shop where she worked, Clair de Lune, was like the combination of a WWII air-raid bunker, a 70s disco bar, and Buckingham Palace. There were about a thousand different decorations that somehow went together, even though they were nearly opposites from one another. There was an entire wall of mounted swords and daggers.
She didn't much enjoy the job, especially since it sustained a constant stream of douchebaggy hipsters, but it paid $15.00 an hour and was relatively easy, so she couldn't complain. Much.
She struggled with the filter, which liked where it was and didn't want to leave. Buddy rattled threateningly, and she slapped the metal side of it angrily. It spewed hot water at her, and she backed off.
"Fine!" she said to it, "Keep your dumb filter. I'll just use the new brewer instead."
She turned around and made like she was about to go into the next room. Buddy instantly stopped squirting water and shuddered angrily.
"Glad you saw it my way." Iliza said, removing the filter and replacing it with a new one. She had used the 'new coffee brewer' trick so many times, she was surprised it still worked. She figured Buddy would have figured out that there was no new machine by the fifth time, but apparently not.
She let Buddy get brewing, and returned to the counter where her coworker, Jerry, was struggling to keep up with the line of customers.
"Next customer." Iliza said, and the line split in two. Jerry gave her a grateful smile and handed someone their blended mocha.
Iliza's next customer was the stereotypical hipstergirl. Knit cap, horn-rimmed glasses, the whole enchilada.
"A cappuccino sweetened with Splenda."
"We don't have Splenda here, sorry." Iliza said. The girl nodded and held up six packets of the artificial sweetener.
"I brought my own. I just need the cappuccino."
"Coming right up." Iliza said, earning an eyeroll from half the shop's patrons. She could almost hear the thoughts coming from their stupid brains, saying "That phrase is so mainstream." It made her want to barf.
"Buddy!" she called as she grabbed the cup, "You ready?"
Buddy clanked in reply, shooting an ounce of boiling-hot coffee right at her. Amazingly, Iliza managed to dodge it and catch it in the cup.
"Touchy today, aren't we?" she chided, Buddy merely rattled and steamed. She quickly prepared the drink and handed it to the girl, forcing a smile.
"Good one," Jerry muttered to her, "That one looked almost real."
"I've been practicing with my grandma." she replied through her teeth.
Nina, one of the shop's rare non-rude customers, walked up to the two of them and gave them a maniacal smile. She wasn't normal in the least, but at least she wasn't a hipster.
"Whazzup, you two?"
"Hey, Nina." Jerry said, raising a coffee cup to intercept Buddy's attempt at burning his face off. Jerry and Iliza had gotten pretty skilled at doing things like that in the six months they had worked at Clair De Lune.
"What'll it be today, Nina?" Iliza asked, exchanging her massive fake smile for a sincere one.
"Surprise me. Something with vanilla."
"Hear that, Buddy?" Jerry said, grabbing the vanilla flavoring, "Do your worst."
Buddy rattled and clanged, mixing things inside it's massive metal casing. Buddy had been a custom-made all-in-one brewer, dispenser, milk steamer, and cappuccino machine for a chain coffee shop in Longbeach, but after the building burned down it was sold to Clair De Lune and moved to San Diego. The ingenious, fanatic tinker that built Buddy had warned the coffee shop not to anger the machine, but the employees had thought it was some sort of joke and hadn't taken it seriously.
Jerry placed the cup under Buddy's spout and a steaming coffee creation spilled out. He mixed in the vanilla and handed it to Nina.
"Thanks," Nina said, sipping it warily. Her eyes lit up and she smiled her cheshire smile, "Dude, this is the best coffee, like, ever. Compliments to the demonic coffee machine."
Buddy rattled, pleased.
Iliza finished with the last of the mid-afternoon customers while Nina selected a barstool and started spinning in circles.
"Uh oh, "Jerry said, "Bigmouth's on the move"
One of the shop's regulars, a short, dumpy woman that the three of them had dubbed 'Bigmouth' was walking towards a table in the corner.
The two girls sitting at the table were practically polar opposites, but were somehow best friends. Sitting on the left was a girl they had named Pixie Cut, because of her extremely short black hair. She hardly ever smiled and had a 'resting grumpy face.'
The other girl, nicknamed Tex, was from the south and had a slight accent to show it. Her long golden hair was the envy of half the coffee shop's female patrons, and she smiled and talked almost nonstop.
"I wonder what unsolicited advice she'll have today." Iliza said.
"Five bucks says it's to Pixie Cut." Nina said to Jerry.
"Ten says Tex laughs." Jerry replied.
Bigmouth's voice carried through the room as she spoke to Pixie Cut, "I just thought I should tell you, but you need to blend your makeup better."
Pixie Cut turned slightly pink and scoffed, "Okay."
Jerry handed Nina five dollars, then laughed as he pointed at Tex trying to hide her giggles.
"Figures." Nina said, handing back the five and fishing another one out of her purse. She took a sip of her coffe and scowled as she became five dollars poorer.
Buddy clanked and Jerry went to check the coffee. He noticed Buddy's milk reservoir was empty and went to the fridge, only to discover that it too was empty.
"Iliza, we're out of milk."
She nodded and went towards the exit. There was a large walk-in fridge in the building next door that kept most of their dairy, which the boss bought in bulk every month. They used almost six gallons a day, and they were out, so Iliza grabbed three jugs in each hand and lugged them back to the shop.
When she returned, Jerry was peering into the tip jar and Nina was staring at her in awe.
"Girl, you're burly." She said, talking another sip of her coffee.
"Okay . . .?" Iliza replied.
"In a . . .delicate flower kind of way," Nina said, shrugging.
"Hey Iliza, check out what some jerk gave us as a tip." Jerry said, holding up a Canadian penny.
"What's that all aboot?" she said jokingly, faking a Canadian accent. Jerry barked a laugh, and Nina snorted and spilled coffee all over herself.
"Iliza, you know I can't have coffee and laughter at the same time!" she laughed, shaking the sweet vanilla goodness out of her hair.
Iliza put the milk in the fridge and handed her some napkins, "And you know better than to laugh at my stupid jokes."
Jerry banged on Buddy, holding a coffee cup under it's spout again. Buddy complied, making the same thing it had made earlier.
"Here," Jerry said, handing the new drink to Nina as she attempted to get coffee stains out of her crotch, "On the house."
The three of them talked for a while, since they had nothing else to do. The shop was nearly empty by the time Iliza realized that it was almost the end of her shift. She was about to mention this to Jerry when her phone buzzed from a text.
Gill4Prezdent: Yo liz turn tv on now
It was her brother, Gilbert. Iliza sighed. Gill was the kind of guy who looked and acted like a total idiot, but was actually really smart once he hit a subject he enjoyed. He was also a huge conspiracy theorist. She texted back, saying that the coffee shop didn't have a tv.
Gill4Prezdent: Then effing GET ONE
IlizaSmilez: What is so important that i need to turn on the tv??
Gill4Prezdent: solar flare happened.
IlizaSmilez: and?
Gill4Prezdent: its coming close to earth. gonna fry electric stuff. its gonna be Y2K 2
"What the hell?" she muttered, "Nina, can I borrow your phone?"
Nina handed it over, looking over Iliza's shoulder.
Iliza quickly opened Nina's TVNou app and clicked their local news channel. The anchor seemed to be pretty anxious about something.
" . . . we urge you to stay inside for the duration of the solar flare. Stay in a cold room, but do not run electricity as the flare will cause it to shut down. I repeat: do not go outside while the flare is happening. Wait while authorities work to restore power. It is unknown how long the outages will last, but scientists are saying the flare should not come close enough to the Earth to cause critical, long lasting damage."
Jerry got out his own phone, quickly alerting his parents of the problem.
"We should tell the customers to leave." he said, but Nina beat him to it.
"YO COFFEE SHOP PATRONS!" she bellowed, "SOLAR FLARE'S COMIN', SO HUNKER DOWN OR GET OUT!"
A few people checked their phones, and discovering that there was indeed a solar flare, left a few dollars as payment and left as fast as they could. The rest either rolled their eyes, laughed, or both.
Iliza moved to turn Buddy off, but he rattled angrily and she sighed. "I guess I can leave you on."
Buddy rattled, relieved.
"M'kay," Nina said, " I count six people including us."
Gill texted Iliza again.
Gill4Prezdent: I'm only 3 blocks away. I'm comin 2 u.
IlizaSmilez: why
Gill4Prezdent: becuz im outside and all the other shops are closed
NinaIsAwesome: At least we'll have an apocalypse conspirator around if things go south.
"Nina, how did you- nevermind." Iliza said, seeing Nina type furiously on Jerry's phone. Nina was a notorious hacker, but she usually did it when she felt she needed to. Or for fun, like when she cheated at online gaming.
Gill burst into the shop, breathing heavily. He walked up to the three of them and said, "Okay, it should be hitting any minute now. We better cover up the windows."
Jerry pushed a button under the counter and thick, black curtains fell over the windows and the lights dimmed until they could barely see.
"Disco mode," he said in reply to Nina's questioning look, "We don't use it anymore."
A pair of snobby hipsters walked up to them, both looking mildly annoyed.
"Uh, what the hell?" said the girl, holding up her phone like a flashlight.
"What's with the blackout, dude?" continued the guy.
"There's a solar flare coming." Gill said, "You should either leave or-"
He was interrupted by a loud whoosh sound, like a freak cloudburst. The lights went out completely, including the lights coming from everyone's phones. Nina ran up to the curtains to peek. She parted them a bit, only to close them immediately due to a blinding orange light shining through.
"I think the flare came a teensy bit closer than predicted." she said, rubbing her eyes.
The other customer in the shop, a guy who seemed perfectly normal, walked up to the counter and said, "I think this is the end of the world."
He was not perfectly normal, Iliza guessed.
"Whelp," Nina said, blinking wildly, "At least we went out with a bang."
"Wait a second," Iliza said, " What makes you thinks it's the end of the world?"
The guy stared at her like she was a complete idiot, "I'm surprised that girl can still see. The flare has most likely consumed earth and the aftereffects could lead to a complete nuclear apocalypse."
Jerry, Iliza, and the hipster couple stared at him blankly, but Nina's face lit up and she said, "You mean, like, total armageddon stuff? Planes falling out of the sky, massive fires everywhere, that kind of thing?"
He nodded, although it was hard to see since all electronics had gone out.
"A solar flare of that magnitude probably crippled any technology more advanced than a telegraph. In fact, telegraphs would be fried too."
"I'm sorry," Iliza said, "Who are you again?"
"Oh, sorry." he said, offering his hand, "I'm Caleb."
Jerry took it, and Iliza looked at the hipster couple expectantly.
The girl scoffed, "My name is Jezebel. He's Calvin."
Gill sniggered at the names, and Iliza slapped his arm lightly.
"Be nice!" she chided.
She introduced herself and everyone else, glaring at Gill the whole time.
Caleb peeked through the curtains, and this time there was no light.
"Uh, guys," he said anxiously, "You might wanna see this."
He drew the curtain, and Iliza gasped. It looked like some sort of bomb had gone off, with buildings reduced to rubble and random fires everywhere.
Jezebel started hyperventilating.
"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," she kept muttering, fanning her face like it was the 1930s. Calvin tried to console her, but to no avail.
While Iliza tried to calm her down, Gill and Caleb started talking apocalypse.
"We could totally McGyver something up," Gill was saying, searching through the shop's Lost and Found.
Caleb agreed with him, grabbing a couple odds and ends.
"What would you build and why would you build it?" Iliza asked.
"Well, we aren't sure just yet." Caleb said, "But with technology reduced to a bunch of spare parts, people might start going neanderthal."
"Don't take this the wrong way," Nina said hesitantly, "But is this gonna be anything like the zombie apocalypse stuff I watch on TV?"
Gill laughed, "Maybe. But we're gonna be pretty prepared if it is."
He motioned towards the swords and weapons hanging on the wall. Jezebel grabbed one anxiously, suddenly frighteningly calm.
"Gill, what could possibly lead to a zombie apocalypse?" Jerry said, crossing his arms.
"Lots of things." he replied, "Radiation, mental disease, insanity, who knows?"
"I highly doubt there are gonna be zombies out there." Jerry scoffed.
"I think we need to stay here until rescue workers tell us it's safe to come out." Iliza said, "The flare's effects might be ongoing."
There was a loud clang from the back room, and everyone jumped in surprise.
Iliza looked around, "Is Buddy still on?"
The coffee brewer in question clanked loudly, followed by a brief whine.
"Indeed he is." Nina said. She looked at the coffee cup in her hand and took a swig.
"I forgot I had this." she muttered, "Mmmm, vanilla is my bae."
"I don't understand," Caleb said, "Why isn't the coffee machine fried like the rest of the world?"
Iliza shrugged, "Demon power?"
Nina's unsettling smile appeared on her face, "Magiiiic."
Calvin stared at her, "Are you freaking insane?"
"You say it like it's a bad thing."
Iliza sat on the counter, tugging at her hair like she always did when she was stressed. She didn't want to stay with these people any longer than she had to. She'd recently read Lord Of The Flies, and it was still fresh in her mind. She did not want that to happen. But since they were stuck there until someone said it was safe to come out, she'd have to try and keep the peace.
"So," Nina said, "Anyone for charades?"
******
It had been an hour since the flare had hit Earth, and there was no sign of a rescue worker. They were running out of things to do.
"Seriously," Gill said, looking at the paper on which Nina was drawing, "How is that not a jackal?"
"It's a freaking sheep!" Nina said in frustration.
"That's one skinny sheep." Gill said, tilting his head.
Iliza pushed him playfully, "All sheep are skinny, moron."
"Then why- OW!" Gill said as Nina pinched his arm.
"What was that for?"
"They're not fat," she said, "They're fluffy. And I wanted to pinch you."
"Good to know," Gill chuckled, rubbing the back of his head.
Jezebel and Calvin had been sitting in the corner for the past thirty minutes, talking to each other under their breath.
Jerry walked up to them, holding two cups of coffee.
"Fresh from the demon brewer." he said, handing them the coffee.
"I still find it hard to believe there is a demon in a coffee machine and it hasn't murdered us all." Jezebel said, talking a sip.
Jerry shrugged, "Buddy's happy where he is, I guess."
Buddy clanked angrily. Jerry rolled his eyes, "Or not."
Calvin opened his mouth to say something when Nina shouted, "It's a rhino!" at the top of her lungs.
Gill shook his head, "No way! That's totally a unicorn."
"Rhinoceros, all the way." Nina said, tapping the paper Iliza had been scribbling on.
"The horn's all wrong, it's a unicorn." Gill replied, tracing the creature's horn with his finger.
"Rhino!"
"Unicorn!"
"It's a rhiiiinoooooo."
"Rhinos have one big horn and one little horn. This thing has one skinny horn!"
"The body's too fat to be a unicorn! R-I-Y-N-O." Nina said, crossing her arms.
"That isn't how you spell it!" Gill shouted, putting his head in his hands.
"ENOUGH!" Iliza shouted, startling them both into silence, "It's a narwhal!"
She crossed her arms as everyone stared at her in surprise. She hardly ever yelled, and when she did it was very frightening. For almost two minutes, nobody moved, or spoke, or even breathed loudly.
But then Nina started giggling. Then Jerry cracked and started laughing too. Soon, everyone was laughing until their sides hurt and they were red in the face.
"O-of all t-the t-things," Nina giggled, "T-to shout at-t t-the top o-of your lungs-"
"Narwhal!" Caleb shouted, starting an new round of laughter. For nearly five minutes, nobody could stop laughing, because they kept laughing at everyone else's laughter.
"Okay guys," Iliza said trying to steady her breathing, "No more. My stomach hurts."
"Everyone's stomach hurts." Nina said, smiling wildly.
Buddy clanked in disgust, as if to say It wasn't that funny.
"Okay then," Caleb said, "My turn to draw."
******
Half an hour later, Nina proposed they all eat dinner, since they still hadn't seen anyone outside.
"There are plenty of pastries and stuff here," Iliza said.
Gill grabbed a pair of donuts and a couple donut holes, "I want a sandwich."
He pulled a crumpled bag of potato chips out of his pocket and got to work. He stuffed a donut hole inside each of the donuts, piled the potato chips on top and crushed them under the other. He then proceeded to eat it.
Nina stared at him as he crunched into the 'sandwich'.
"I don't think that person knows how sandwiches work." Caleb whispered to her.
"I was about to say the exact same thing." Nina replied.
******
Three hours into the 'wait for humanoids', as Nina called it, Jezebel and Calvin fell asleep.
"I say we draw on their faces." Nina said, jumping up and down.
"With what?" Jerry asked, "The one pencil we have?"
"I say we metaphorically draw on their faces." Nina replied, still jumping.
******
Five hours in, it was obvious they would have to wait until the next day. It was dark out, and Iliza was the only one awake. She'd always had trouble falling asleep in strange places. Even Buddy's lights had dimmed, so she could barely see anything as she tiptoed her way to the curtains.
"If I know anything about solar flares," she muttered to herself, "It's that they cause arouras to form in unusual places."
She opened the curtain and was delighted to find that her theory was correct. Up in the dark sky, Iliza could see the stars for the first time in a long time thanks to the lack of light pollution. But in front of the stars were was a great multicolored curtain of rippling light. Iliza smiled as she watched the dazzling display.
"Whazzup?"
Iliza jumped, and Nina giggled quietly.
"Gotchya." she whispered.
"Don't do that, Nina" Iliza chided, playfully slapping Nina's arm, "You nearly gave me a heart attack."
"But I didn't, did I?"
"No," Iliza sighed, turning back to the aroura, "I guess not."
"Amazing, isn't it?" Nina said, looking up at the colors in awe.
"Yeah," Iliza replied, "I never thought I would be able to see it in person."
Nina smiled, not her usual crazy-person grin, but a soft smile Iliza hadn't seen on her before.
"It was always my dream to see one of these." Nina said, "I'm glad I saw it with my friends around me. Excluding the hipsters, of course."
"You really consider me and Jerry as friends?" Iliza asked.
Nina nodded, "You're pretty much my only ones. Living alone in San Diego can be stressful sometimes."
"You mean you don't have a roomate?"
Nina shook her head, sighing, "Nobody wants to live with a crazy girl. Especially since this town is home to one-third of the nation's douchebags."
"Tell me about it," Iliza muttered, rolling her eyes, "I'm lucky I still live with my mom."
Nina raised an eyebrow, "And Gill?"
"The basement."
Nina giggled, leaning on the windowsill, "I am never gonna let that go."
"You didn't hear it from me," Iliza said, suddenly stern.
Nina smirked, "Oh, of course not. I just happened to stumble across the part of the Internet with proof of Gill living in his mother's basement."
They both laughed in the light of the aroura. Iliza was uncertain of the future, but that moment felt pretty good.
******
Iliza stared at her computer screen, her fingers lightly placed on the keyboard.
"What do I do now?" she said aloud, "How do I end this?"
Nina read through the final few sentences, scrutinizing every letter.
"Well," she said hesitantly, "As Jim Hensen once said, if you're struggling to end a story, blow something up or throw penguins in the air."
"I doubt the publisher would appreciate penguins being harmed in this story." Iliza said, giving Nina a sideways smile.
"Does Gill really live in your mom's basement?" Nina asked, rereading the sentence.
"Remember," Iliza said, "You didn't hear it from me."
"What is he gonna say when he reads this?" Nina said, giggling slightly.
"No idea." Iliza replied, "But I doubt he would get past the part where I call him a conspiracy theorist."
"True that." Nina said.
Iliza sighed, and shut off the computer screen.
"I still think we should be roomates in the story, too." she said as she slipped on her Clair De Lune uniform.
"Nah, that wouldn't be as interesting." Nina replied.
"I hope the publisher likes the characters." Iliza said, attempting to pull on her sneakers without untying the laces.
Nina shrugged, grabbing her bag, "If only I were as awesome as that Nina in the story."
"Fake Nina isn't half as awesome as Real Nina." Iliza smiled, locking the apartment door behind her.
"Well," Nina said as she skipped down the hall, "Real Nina says thank you."
"You're welcome," Iliza said, following behind the eccentric girl she lived with.
The elevator doors opened, and Gill stepped out.
"Whazzup, Gill?" Nina said.
"There's a solar flare coming near Earth. It'll wipe out the electricity until authorities can fix it."
Iliza stopped in her tracks. Nina stopped skipping. They looked at each other knowingly.
"What?" Gill asked, confused.
There was a pause. "Magiiiic." said the two girls in unison.
Gill looked back and forth between them, "What?"
Iliza just smiled and walked past him into the elevator, Nina following suit.
"What?" Gill said again. Nina smiled wildly.
"It's a narwhal." she whispered as she hit the button labeled 1ST FLOOR.
The two of them giggled at Gill's confused face as the doors closed.
~THE FREAKIN' END, NARWHALS. HOPE YA APPRECIATE IT.~