Ranting, Raging, and General Fangirliness [FIRST OF MANY BOOKS] {COMPLETED}

MY RANT IS NICO APPROVED, BITCHAZ

Hello puglings! *smiles awkwardly*
So.
SO.
SO.
SO.
Let's get ranting, shall we?
Subject: Terrible authors.
Why? Idk. It just irks me.
I mean, if you suck so badly then just suck a popsicle, not my freaking butt.
Maybe I need to provide a little context, heh heh . . .
There are some authors out there who are so cliche, inconsistent, and overall butt-suckers, that it physically hurts my body to read their work.
I don't want to be mean, but dammit, guys. I just can't take it anymore.
For example, a while ago I was reading a HP fanfic and WHOOPDEDOO, it was terrible.
Wanna see an example?
I kid you not, this is copied WORD FOR WORD.

I am named Nirvana Jaqline Dracanna Black. My father is in Azkablank.
since my dad is praktikly dead, Dumberdor adopted me and now im in Hufferpuff at Hogwars
im in first year and my boyfrend is Cedric Digory and hes so amazing i love him so much
so i went to the Room of Requirement and he was in there too and then
{Smut deleted}

First of all, TOO MANY EFFING NAMES, DUDE. PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT.
And bro, it's AZKABAN, NOT AZKABLANK,
Like, what the actual f.
and praKtiKly?? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DICTIONARY.
And why the frickle frack did 'Dumberdor' adopt you, Nirvana Jaqline Dracanna Black? Ain't nobody got time for that stuff.
and if you're a FIRST YEAR huffLEpuff, why the heck do you have a bf??
AND THE SMUT
THE DAINTY 11 YEAR OLD SMUT
IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT, TOO.
It's the Room of Requirement, not the room of baby making.

But that's not all. In the next chapter, Nirvana's father was not Sirius Black, but HIS TWIN BROTHER???????????
WHAAAAAAAA?
I mean, that's why I am such a nit picker when it comes to books.
WhAt ThE hEcK aRe YoU tHiNkInG?!
At least there isnt a website that lets you make your own MOVIES like that. *shudders*
Speaking of movies, one movie I really want to see is a Jack and Jill spinoff.
And no, not the Adam sandler movie- the original nursery rhyme.
Like,
Jack and Jill go up the hill and they fall down, but Jack DIES and comes back as a zombie, and Jill is like
"OH NO JACK MY LOVE" and there are zombies everywhere
and then some hot-ass Vampire comes to save her from zombieJack and he's like
"Bae join my vampire clan"
and she's like
"Ok new bae"
but then there's a rival clan of WEREWOLVES that are like
"No she's a child of the prophecy GIVE HER TO US"
and she's like
"Bruh wtf"
and there's this huge war but then the zombies come and Jill is like
"I need one wolf and one vamp mkay c'mere"
and they do and she says
"Bite meh, both of chu."
and they're like NOOO
and she's like YEAAA
"NOW!" and they do
and she's like this totally awesome wolf-vamp hybrid and SHE DOESN'T EVEN SPARKLE but she can do totally awesome stuff
and she fulfills the prophecy by defeating the zombies and uniting the two clans
but then
oh it aint over
and then
ALIENS INVADE
AND KIDNAP DANNY, THE HOT VAMP THAT SAVED HER FROM ZOMBIEJACK
and she's like
"Oh no don't you do that he's MINE"
and she just totally kicks alien butt and they get married and the final scene is right as he's about to kiss the bride and their lips are like half an inch away from each other
and then
there's this big crash and a T-Rex crashed through the door and Jill just casually draws a sword from under her wedding dress, pecks Danny on the lips, and says
"Bae I'm pregnant imma finish this and we can move to Australia."
and he's just standing there like
"That's my girl."
and she raises the sword, rips off the skirt of her dress, and says
"Bring it on, lizard breath."
dun dun DUN
*cuts to black*
*end credits*
and if you stick around until after the credits, you see a scene of Jill holding a 'lil toddler boy and Adam's wrangling a kangaroo in the background and Jill is saying to the toddler
"Now Jack, don't bite anyone unless they bite you first, Got it?"
and an arrow comes out of freaking nOWHERE and she moves like zoom zoom zoom and catches it and sighs.
"Adam, we've got another army to fight."
and from far of he's like "Kinda busy, d'ya think you could do it?"
"Idk, maybe. Jack's getting fussy though."
She puts him down and little Jack bares his wolf/vamp fangs and she says "Don't go too hard on them, honey. They're just Amazons.'
*cut to black*
a golden message appears on the screen,
To Be Continued.

. . . I just think that would be awesome.
That went into a weird place but okay.
Bye, I guess?
*poof!*