Tainted

Chapter 19: And If They Do, They'll Die

My brother and I have set into the same routine for the past two weeks now, I wake up early to let him out while Chris lets him out first thing when we get home. It's a miracle we've had him for so long, our mother refuses to acknowlege the dog's existence in our home besides the occasion mumbling about how much of a mess he's making. Never in my life would I think our mother would let us get a dog, especially one the size of a bear and surprise her with it.

"Well in AP History today Mr. Peterson caught your brother texting Katie and well Mr. Peterson being Mr. Peterson gave him a detention," Jesse explains as he drives me home from school. My brother being the idiot he is of course got detention and needed the car to drive home and Jesse of course was the first to volunteer to drive me home to take care of Harvey.
"How are they doing anyway?" Jesse asks referring to Katie and Chris who finally made it offical last week.

"Shouldn't you know, you're Chris's best friend," I point out.
"And you are Katie's best friend, so best friend to best friend, how's Katie liking her new man?" Jesse leans in really close to me, so close that I get the same flashback from two weeks ago when we were close enough to breathe in each other's air.
"They... they like each other," I nod feeling all of my common sense and social skills fly out the window as his eyes flicker to my lips. The space between us seems to melt away as we lean closer and closer and I realize we're parked in my driveway already.

We're merely less than an inch away when I realize what's happening. Is he going to kiss me? What if he does? Will I let him? YES a voice in my head screams at me and urges me to destroy all of the space between us but something else inside me forces me to pull back, and I do. I fling my body back and cling to the car door while staring at him like a deer in headlights. I watch as he stares at my seat, defeat is evident in his eyes as he closes them and lets out a small sigh before reopening them to meet with mine.

"Th... thanks for the ride," I mutter before sliding the door open and falling out of the car right onto my butt. In less than a second I'm standing again and give him one last glance, one last regretful and longing glance to see he has the same expression right before entering my house.

I slam the door shut and look out the window from the side to see his car is already gone. Shit what have I done?

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Jesse doesn't come over tonight like he normally does, he says he has some sort of family gathering, at least that's what he told my brother. Neither of us have made an effort to contact the other which makes my chest ache for our normal conversations over the phone. I never thought that whatever kind of relationship or friendship we have would cause me to feel this much pain in his sudden absence.

I don't even know if he was going to kiss me or if I'm just overreacting. Never in my life have I been allowed to date, at least I don't let myself. I'm not that selfish that I would want to get anyone invovled with my screwed up life, Chris can do whatever he wants and it's not my place to judge what he does but I know from experience not to trust anyone.

I can't believe that I've actually gotten so close to letting someone in, and I do I want to tell Jesse the truth I want to spill my whole fucked up life story to him but I know I can't. I have to be selfless because when it comes down to it I do care for him, I care more about him than I have anyone else outside of my family. He's given me something I haven't had in a long time and that's a sense of belonging, he's given me adventure and has been able to make me forget the past even if it is only for a second he still does it. I feel like my eyes have been opened as I rethink what our relationship is like, it's no ordinary friendship it's so much more than that. It's a constant dependancy on each other, at least I depend on him with all my being.