Not My Canon!

Five Stages

Harry Potter and the Five Stages of Grief

STAGE ONE - DENIAL

Upon reading the Cursed Child script, Potterheads are quick to believe that they are in some way mistaken. For instance:

"This book can't actually be this bad. That part was a blip on what will otherwise be an awesome book. I'll keep reading. It'll all make sense very soon."

STAGE TWO - ANGER

When the poor and trusting Potterhead recognizes that denial can no longer be sustained, they become resentful and discontent. Common psychological responses of a Harry Potter fan experiencing this phase would be:

"Why JK? Why did you do this to me?! How can this be happening? Is it Thorne? Is he to blame? Who in their right mind thought this was a good story? EEEAAAHHHH!!!"

STAGE THREE - BARGAINING

The third in the five stages of Cursed Child grief consists primarily of the hope that the triggered reader could somehow avoid their fast approaching heartache. Usually, this negotiation comes in the form of throwing the book across the room in the desire to both free their mind and somehow shake the inconsistencies loose from the binding. In these desperate moments, Potterheads are likely to fall on their knees before their bookshelf and promise the seven books of hallowed greatness that they vow to reread the whole series if Cursed Child could somehow end in a way that made sense. The promises made during this time could resemble the following:

"I'll do anything. All seven books! I won't sleep until All was well. And I'll stop shipping Lockhart and Mrs. Weasley, too. I knew it was wrong when I started posting their sexy escapades on Wattpad titled "Misadventures with Molly" by Gilderoy Lockhart. I'm so sorry. I'll be a better Ravenclaw, I swear. Please, just please, make this book go away! Please!"

STAGE FOUR - DEPRESSION

"This is wrong. This is all wrong. Nothing makes sense anymore. Is nothing sacred? The baby blanket? Delphi? Really with that hair of hers? I can't...this... No. Where was Neville? Why was Ginny so... oh, what's the point? Why go on with this fandom? I miss the real version of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. If this is the 8th book, and I hate it, what does that make me? Were the books always this bad and I've changed. Is it me? I'm utterly lost and the wizarding world will never recover."

During the fourth stage, the Potterhead recognizes the mortality of their fandom and wallows in despair. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse to go on Twitter, and spend their waking hours consuming snacks with poor dietary quality while staring mournfully at their Deathly Hallows tattoo.

STAGE FIVE - ACCEPTANCE

In this final stage, the Potterhead may begin to embrace the mortality of their fandom or its inevitable future. In this state, the personal acknowledgement that they can survive in a world where the trauma has occurred is accompanied by a calm, retrospective viewpoint, and a sense of emotional stability.

"That was bad, but it could've been worse. Maybe Potter is just going to be something different than what I was used to from here on out. And if this is all we get of Harry's future, then so be it. It was thirty dollars I'll never get back, but it is what it is. We'll always have the original books. This clearly wasn't written by J.K. Rowling. She had zero part in the production of this garbage, even if she signed off on it. And who knows? They might have held her up at gunpoint or something. Doesn't matter. It's not as if this play will ever be considered canon. There were too many obvious continuity errors and flaws in characterization. It's not really part of the world. I'll be just fine. We'll all be just fine. Let's consider it as mediocre fan fiction and move along."