Not My Canon!

WTF: The Pasties Are All Wrong

Cornish Pasties

Recently, The Sun ran an article about how JKR was "blasted" by a fifty-three-year-old woman from Cornwall after she had visited the Three Broomsticks café at Universal Studios in Florida. The small, themed eatery advertises "tasty British fare" on its menu and, apparently, the Cornish Pasties are tragic knock-offs. The pasties are sealed not crimped! Scandalous...

Who cares, right? Well, a woman from Cornwall cares. Since it's common knowledge that J.K. Rowling is heavily involved in every aspect of the parks, including the food, it gave this woman authorization to drag JKR through the mud:

"You would think someone of her intelligence would be able to get this right."

What. A. Tragedy. I'm laughing, but I'm not. Because the utter ridiculousness of The Great Pastry Caper of 2017 is making me feel like I might possibly be looking stupid over here.

(*pushes glasses up nose, adjusts wizard's cap, continues typing*)

Does all of this really matter? Who cares that the play is full of mistakes and poor characterization? Well, I do.

To me, Harry Potter has become a valuable part of our cultural heritage. Not only does it deserve respect from any new material that's produced, but should have its integrity preserved from any destabilizing forces within that material. Why does this matter so much to me? Because I care about the books and have spent much of my writing life working within the boundaries of Harry Potter canon. Why did that Cornish pastry issue matter to the woman who was visiting a themed restaurant in Florida? Because she runs a bakery. In Cornwall.

I guess I just wanted to put it out there that I am fully aware of the risk I'm running. It's easy to ridicule the Potter nerd for ridiculing the more pointless and dumb components (in his vastly superior and learned opinion) of HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD.

(*straightens wizard cloak, pretends to snuff nearby candle with wand, continues typing*)

King's Cross Station

Right out of the gate, in Act One Scene One, we're meant to believe that Harry's younger kids, Albus and Lily, have never been to platform nine and three-quarters before that moment.

GINNY: All you have to do is walk straight at the wall between platforms nine and ten.

LILY: I'm so excited.

HARRY: Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important. Best to do it at a run if you're nervous.

ALBUS: I'm ready.

Cute, but come on. JKR and Co. wanted to be able to use Molly Weasley's dialogue from the first movie. It's so transparent and completely contradicts itself. If bringing the kids to the platform wasn't a family event every year with James, then why is Lily there to send off Albus? Nice try.

The Trolley Lady

Sorry, she's now called the Trolley Witch. Let's just pull off the band-aid, yeah?

TROLLEY WITCH: The TROLLEY WITCH's hands transfigure into very sharp spikes. She smiles.

So please retake your seats for the remainder of the journey.

ALBUS: You were right, Scorpius. This train is magical.

SCORPIUS: At this precise moment in time, I take no pleasure in being right.

ALBUS: But I was also right - about the viaduct - that's water down there, time to try the Cushioning Charm.

SCORPIUS: Albus, this is a bad idea.

ALBUS: Is it? (He has a moment's hesitation, then realizes the time for hesitation has passed.) Too late now. Three. Two. One. Molliare! He incants as he jumps.

SCORPIUS: Albus...Albus...

He looks down desperately after his friend. He looks at the approaching TROLLEY WITCH. Her hair wild. Her spikes particularly spiky.

Well, as fun as you clearly look, I have to go after my friend.

He pinches his nose, he jumps after ALBUS, incanting as he goes.

Molliare!

For anyone who has read Cursed Child and said, "It's actually really good"... c'mon now. A sweet-natured snack lady turns into an immortal being with spikes for hands, tossing grenades at teenagers in order to keep them from leaving the train to school. Mmm hmm, just so we're clear, murder makes more sense than allowing them to escape the train.

Using time travel to change the past? Homicidal, transfiguring lunch ladies with particularly spiky spike hands? Did they really just turn the Trolley Lady into the cyborg from Terminator 2: Judgement Day? I mean, is J.K. Rowling just J.K. Trolling us at this point? Should we start calling her the Troll-ey Lady? Because... for real... not making this up... she's mentioned these very specific details before. In a televised interview from July 2007, in fact.

Interviewer: Why didn't Harry use the time-turner to save his parents?

JKR: Oh, that's a very good question, that. But it would take us into "Terminator" territory, if you've ever seen the "Terminator" films... but never mind. Well, the time-turner was a very difficult invention for me, because it created as many problems as it solved. And anyone who's read Order of the Phoenix may have noticed that during the climactic scene in which they chase through the Ministry of Magic, they shatter all the time-turners, thereby preventing them using those in the future.

Why even hint at the charade? Let's just go full Terminator! I mean, they need to be stopped from changing the past, so why not create a version of T2 in the Wizarding World?!

This is maybe the most asinine, laugh-out-loud idea from the play. And I'm telling you, no matter how hardcore devoted a fan could be to JKR, this is one thing we all agree on: the Trolly Lady turning into a Terminator is about the stupidest thing we've ever read. How? How has this story been praised with any degree of sincerity? If I didn't have some bombshells (Pumpkin Pastie shells? Cornish Pastie shells?) to deliver, I might just throw in the towel here. Because these revelations are getting obnoxious.