:::: One Part FANDOM RETROSPECTIVE, One Part ANALYSIS ::::
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is a play that premiered in London, 2016. It was met with praise by theatergoers and disdain, even hatred, by those who read the script. Today, there is a...
No part of this play is worse than the sappy conversations between Harry and the portrait of Dumbledore. The dialogue is so overwritten and cheesy. Best line:
HARRY: Where have you been, Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: I'm here now.
HARRY: Here just as the battle is lost.
BWAhAahahAahahaa It's a portrait, Harry. Okay, another one:
DUMBLEDORE (openly weeping now): I was blind. That is what love does. I couldn't see that you needed to hear that this closed-up, tricky, dangerous old man... loved you.
HAHAhhahahaAAAhAAAha HahahaaHaaportrait This is so extra. Dumbledore is ultra tricky and dangerous now. Didn't you know? What is this crapola? LOL Jack Thorne.
The way in which Dumbledore was represented (I'll touch on this more later) was made all the more amusing when Albus and Scorpius thought about reaching out to him when they're stuck in the past.
ALBUS: Dumbledore. Dumbledore's alive. We get Dumbledore involved. We do what you did with Snape -
SCORPIUS: Can we risk him knowing your dad survives? That he has kids?
ALBUS: He's Dumbledore! He can cope with anything!
He can? hehaheee You sure about that? Because last we saw him, he was a blubbering mess. Oh, you don't think the audience will connect the two? Well, I beg to differ. Dumbledore's dismal breakdown was LITERALLY in the scene before this one. Like, 700 words were spoken on stage between those moments.
ADHD McG
In Scene Ten of Act Three, there is a very serious moment between Harry, Ginny, Draco, Scorpius, and Albus, when they explain to Headmaster McGonagall all the catastrophic consequences that had taken place in the alternate universes. The discussion is interrupted by Hermione, the Minister of Magic and their family friend. No big deal, right? Well, this happens:
HERMIONE: What did I miss?
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL (fierce): It is considered polite to knock when entering a room, Hermione Granger, maybe you missed that.
HERMIONE realizes she's overstepped.
HERMIONE: Ah.
ROFL The pacing of the scene is completely thrown off by McGonagall's utter randomness. Yes! Let's use this poignant moment to teach Hermione (adult Hermione) a lesson about not entering a room without knocking. Why? What a weird decision to make! It's distracting, it feels like a poor rendition of a dynamic character, and it sabotages a formerly effective scene. Does she have Attention Deficit Disorder now? Is that what we're saying?
"Professor McGonagall, Cedric Diggory was killed and Lord Voldemort has retur -"
"Potter, you have a stain on your shirt."
No, that didn't come from Cursed Child, but it might as well have. The best line from this scene is actually the dialogue McG was delivering the moment Hermione entered.
PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I should expel you but (with a look to HARRY) all things considered - I think it might be safer for you to remain in my care. You are in detention for - well, you can consider yourself in detention for the rest of the year. Christmas is canceled for you. You can forget visiting Hogsmeade ever again. And that's just the start...
First, are you saying that Albus isn't safe at home with Harry?? Because that's hilarious and makes no sense. And second, McGonagall cancels Christmas for resurrecting Voldemort in an alternate reality? Bwahahahaa This play is so dumb.
The Dumb Daily Prophet
DRACO: You know what this is about? Harry just wants his face back in the newspapers again. We've had rumors of Voldemort coming back from the Daily Prophet once a year every year -
HARRY: None of those rumors came from me!
Now, you won't often find me defending the Daily Prophet after all they were responsible for in the books, but this concept is stupid. Yes, I understand that the reason behind the rumors is so the writers can get the audience comfortable with the idea that some part of Voldemort could return during the play. It's the same reason we get the whispers of"He's coming... He's coming..." in Parseltongue during Harry's dreams. The purpose is to prepare you for the plot twist. Although the obstacle the writers weren't anticipating is that it's hard for us to believe that the Daily Prophet would've been spreading these sorts of rumors.
If the Prophet proved anything in the books, it's that they avoided printing even a mention of Voldemort's possible return. Order of the Phoenix, anyone? It's been 19 years since the Battle of Hogwarts, which is far longer than the time between his original fall and return. Not to mention that tons of people saw Voldy kick the bucket this time. It happened in the Great Hall. So, it would've been a waste of time for them to spread rumors, because everyone is fully aware that he died.
Send this note to the past - addressed to one Jack Thorne: If you're tasked with writing the 8th story in a series, MAKE SURE TO READ BOOKS 1 THROUGH 7!!
I don't know how I'm going to fit something so ridiculous into the narrative of my fan edit. I find that I'm running into this problem often.
Romione
One thing that will most definitely not be making its way into my fan edit, (and this should really have an entire post of its own, but I'm not going to dignify it with any real discussion because it's *beyond* stupid) is the rise and fall of the love between Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.
I know... I know, JKR... We read that interview. You've made it clear to fans (after the fact) that you, personally, think Hermione would have been better matched with Harry. We heard you. You didn't have to try and convince us by showing how fragile and coincidental their relationship was through this play to prove your point (just because the fans disagreed). Well, you wasted your time because we still don't buy it.
It's a FAR stretch to have readers believe that their relationship was so vulnerable that it would be the first thing to go if a minor adjustment to the past were to take place. As if the only thing that brought them together was the jealousy that Ron felt around Viktor Krum during the events of their fourth year! How insulting to your own characters. Especially to Hermione! As if she had no role in the development of their relationship! No, it's all up to Ron. He claimed her. That's what men do. Like, c'mon...they were friends. Their connection was built on so much more than jealousy. They fell in love because they FELL in love.
Freakin' poo, I hate what the Cursed Trio did with our characters! Jack, John, and Jo... I'm canceling Christmas!
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