Not My Canon!

WTF: The Dark Universe

Things are about to get real. This is next level WTF here. Nothing I've yet written about Cursed Child, or may write about Cursed Child, will be as mind-nuking as this post. Here we go.

Setup:

Albus and Scorpius are going back to change the outcome of the second task. As in, how the second task played out in Alt-Universe 1 (NOT the Origin Universe). Therefore, any changes that took place between tasks one and two of the Triwizard Tournament remain unaltered.

Alt-Universe 2 is a spin-off of Alt-Universe 1, not the original universe where Cedric succeeded in the first task. That matters when you consider the Yule Ball, and that Hermione still did not go with Krum.

Because part of the motivation for Albus to change the past again is because their actions deleted his cousin Rose. Albus and Scorpius then decide to further harm Cedric Diggory's chances of winning the tournament by making him fail the second task as well by expanding the bubble head charm.

But according to all current plot development of Ron and Hermione, changing the history of Alt-Universe 1 would NOT bring back Rose. Ron and Hermione still aren't going to be together because the only real thing that did (apparently) was Ron's jealousy of Krum at the Yule Ball and what transpired afterward. This led to him marrying Padma, his date to the ball. Therefore, it should be assumed by the reader that Ron still married Padma in Alt-Universe 2. Even though Albus and Scorpius put on an awkward fireworks display to say "Ron Loves Hermione".

Why their attempt doesn't make sense:

1. Albus and Scorpius only have five minutes in the past. The second task takes place underwater. Problem is, they are being watched by McGonagall. So, they have the totally super genius idea to get into the lake via the pipes in the girls' bathroom. But... How are they using the pipes to escape into the lake??? At what point would they ever think that this was possible? Are we having a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids moment? Why would they ever think they could just slip down a sink drain? And if they were getting this idea because of the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets... that was a hidden passageway. Yeah, OS-Canon states that the Basilisk used some of the plumbing pipes to move around, and I explored this plot hole in Book 1 of Fred and George by adding large pipes to the walls that the twins could explore, but it's not common knowledge that all the drains were wide enough for a massive bloody snake. And where did they get the idea that the bathroom plumbing emptied into the lake anyhow (which is disgusting)??? The logic here is so thin.

2. How did Scorpius get the gillyweed? Seriously. Does he just have some on hand at all times? Because Dobby stole it from Snape's store cupboard in Goblet of Fire, and the Potions Master's reaction seemed to portray that gillyweed is not some readily available ingredient. BUT WHATEVER! What a convenient plot this is...

3. AT WHAT FUC....sorry. I'll start again. At what point did Albus and Scorpius have time to setup a giant fireworks show... in the five minutes they were there... while underwater? WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT??

So, that should do the trick. Wait...have them set off some fireworks! Oh, that's a great idea. I love fireworks! I'm totally putting that into the play! Oh, and have some ninjas and G.l. Joes show up. Oh, and Yoda. And then CRAWWWWWW a transformer cuts off Flitwick's head! Awesome!! Guys, this is gonna be the awesomest play evaarrrr!!!

4. This exchange:

"But no, what's this...Cedric Diggory is ascending out of the water and seemingly out of the competition. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we don't have our winner but we certainly have our loser."