Not My Canon!

WTF: Hermione

The seven Harry Potter books weren't perfect. There were plenty of plot holes, and I've enjoyed filling some of those in my Fred and George fanfic. There were inconsistencies here and there, but when it came to characterization, especially of the Golden Trio, they never wavered. In this play, the writers abandoned years of development to give us flat renditions of characters who seem motivated only by what's right in front of their faces. These are not the grown versions of the characters we adore from the books. They are inconsistent, illogical, and wooden. Gone are the nuances. Dashed are the dreams we had for who they would become. What made these characters so relatable was that they were always real people in unreal circumstances. None of the characters in Cursed Child feel like real people to me. And when it comes to the trio, this pisses me off to no end. Because if there was ever a mortal sin that Jack Thorne needed to avoid, it was laying waste to the integrity of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Let's start with her.

OS-Canon Hermione

I don't need to describe to you the person of Miss Hermione Jean Granger. But I will. She was intelligent, but didn't need to broadcast that fact to anyone. She had tenacity, even as an eleven-year-old. She wasn't clever (in the Weasley sense of the word), but gravitated toward those who were. Hermione always knew the right thing to do and acted on her fantastic intuition. She was an icon of feminism and social justice without needing anyone to recognize her for this fact. She chose Ron and loved his family. She commanded respect from her peers, not from a position of power, but through perseverance, commitment, and unwavering character.

Character. Feels odd bringing that word into this. Because Hermione is absolutely Out Of Character in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.

Minister of Magic Hermione

Why? Why did she have to be Minister of Magic? I know that some of you like seeing her in this position, but I just don't. If feels like the kind of decision a casual fanfic writer would make, because it seems like the right move from a distance.

Yeah, Hermione is super smart and I want a woman to be in charge for a change (a woman who isn't Dolores Umbridge). So, yeah. Hermione should be the most powerful witch! She'd be Minister! It's perfect! What a writer I am!

But if you really grasped the individualism and sensibilities of Hermione Granger, you would know this is already blatantly out of character for her. Remember when Scrimgeour came to bring them the contents of Dumbledore's will?

"Are you planning to follow a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?" asked Scrimgeour.

"No, I'm not," retorted Hermione. "I'm hoping to do some good in the world!"

Ron laughed. Scrimgeour's eyes flickered toward him and away again as Harry spoke.

Nope, they're gonna just wipe that from the memory books and turn her into an ineffectual administrator who holds meetings no one listens to and spends her afternoons bickering with Harry over his paperwork.

The door to her office can be opened with Alohomora, which she mastered in her first year at Hogwarts. Hermione is the opposite of dumb, guys. She hides an extremely rare and dangerous magical object in a bookshelf that requires answers to sophomoric riddles. Haha. Not a horrible idea, just not our very logical Hermione. She's super uncomfortable with having her husband show up at her place of work. She stereotypes trolls, werewolves, and giants as "allies of darkness" because some of them fought with Voldemort. Like, what? Hermione would never use a position of power to perpetuate the discrimination of entire groups of magical beasts. Ever! She's unfamiliar with the procedures and methods of Muggle law enforcement, which is hard to imagine since her parents are Muggles and she grew up in the Muggle world. She threatens Delphi with going "to Azkaban. Same as your mother." I could see Hermione desiring such an outcome, but she would never gloat about someone else's demise.