Not My Canon!

WTF: Ill-Conceived

It's Halloween, WattPotters! So, in the spirit of the season, and on the anniversary of the tragic death of Harry's young parents, I thought I'd start with a particularly fitting WHAT THE BLOODY F.

Taking the Pram

From Act Four, Scene Five:

LILY exits the house with BABY HARRY in a pram, she carefully puts a blanket on him.

ALBUS: His blanket. She's wrapping him in his blanket.

SCORPIUS: Well, it is a moderately cold day.

We're talking about the weather...? smh... Okay, Mike. What's that but an innocent image of a mother with her child, and a frustrating reminder of Harry's pathetic baby blanket? Nothing to see. Let's move on.

NO! NO!

(*starts breathing heaving breaths heavily*)

So... Lily is taking the baby for a walk. Just like any old day, hmm? HMM?! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME? NO! They were IN HIDING! Did you HONESTLY not read the books??!! They weren't protected from the Fidelius Charm any ol' place they went. Otherwise, why hide?

(*sinking feelings arrive via owl post*)

(*Mister Dursley accepts them with glee*)

How about the letter Lily wrote to Sirius? Y'know, the one that Harry found during the events of Deathly Hallows? Oh, you... you don't want me to mention that? Why? Is it because you completely forgot your own plot points, Miss Rowling?!

James is getting a bit frustrated shut up here, he tries not to show it but I can tell - also Dumbledore's still got his Invisibility Cloak, so no chance of little excursions. If you could visit, it would cheer him up so much.

No, sir and other sir and madam. No. Lily would not have brought Harry out for an afternoon stroll down Godric's Hollow Lane!

THIS!

DIDN'T!

HAPPEN!

(*stares off in the distance*)

...I hate this play.

Side Piece

Since we're on the topic of children... Here's some new history that Cursed Child attempts to casually sneak into HP canon with the smoothness of a masked thief trying to steal a purse from an old lady in the middle of the afternoon:

1. A child was conceived by Bellatrix Lestrange and Lord Voldemort.

2. Bellatrix was pregnant at Malfoy Manor during Deathly Hallows.

3. Their child, Delphini, was born in 1998, right before the Battle of Hogwarts.

First of all, Voldemort was cold and asexual and hardly human. He had a lust for power, not booty. If you start saying that it was more than sex, I have to disagree because VOLDEMORT DID NOT KNOW LOVE due to how he, himself, was conceived through Amortentia. He wouldn't be looking to casually hook-up, I'm sorry. Also, even during those occasions when sex is set apart from feelings of love, it isn't set apart from passion. Sex with another person is a soulful act. VOLDEMORT BARELY HAD A SOUL! And, I don't wanna get too deep into this again, but the guy doesn't have a nose, okay? Grown-up conversation here, but... can this dude even perform? Regardless, I'm pretty sure he had better things to do than bump uglies with Bellatrix.

Secondly, you cannot tell me with a straight face that she was pregnant during Deathly Hallows. Readers were brought inside Malfoy Manor at that time, you know. No baby crying out for milk. No toys or precious precious baby blankets that seem to be all the rage these days. And, most of all, no signs of Bellatrix looking preggo. If Delphi was born in the time frame that Cursed Child suggests, this would make Bellatrix pregnant while she tortured Hermione. Kay... Then are we calling it postpartum aggression when she murders Tonks, then duels with Hermione, Luna, Ginny, and Mrs. Weasley? And, for a woman who has lived through a number of pregnancies, you just know Molly would have noticed that cute, leftover baby bump straight away (before exploding her into giblets, of course). COME ON. You can't expect us to see this as canon.

This isn't even addressing the fact that Bellatrix was already hitched to Rodolphus. Are we saying Voldy was her side piece now? Get the eff outta here. Yeah, I get that she was a psycho and totally worshipped him, loyal servant and all that. Yes, she even spoke to him in Deathly Hallows, "as if to a lover", but it was in-fa-tu-a-tion, Thorne. A one-sided obsession.

Voldemort had no human ties. There was no love interest between him and anyone. Voldemort and Bellatrix didn't just make a baby together. This concept was obviously lifted directly from existing fanfiction by the Cursed Trio because they thought this was something Potterheads wanted to see. Sorry to have to fansplain a bit here, but just because a ship is popular in fanfic circles, it doesn't mean any of us would actually take it seriously in canon. I mean, why stop there, really? Have Draco slide into Harry's DMs! Or put Draco with Hermione (actually, I'm cool with this)! Or Draco with flipping Apple!

But forget all that, because nothing is as hard to believe as Voldemort desiring an heir. He had no interest in family. Having children is a way of leaving behind a legacy, and why would he need a legacy? Voldemort was pretty sure that, oh, I dunno, immortality was in his future! He didn't need some ill-conceived (pun intended) legacy backup plan because he was arrogant enough to believe that no one even knew about the Horcruxes. If anything, Voldemort would see a child as a weakness or competition. Why would he want an heir? HE was the heir. The Heir of Slytherin. The final heir. Even though he had followers, he wanted to dominate the wizarding world alone. How do you not get that?

I know I'm getting worked up over this one. I just have the hardest time understanding why JKR would realign vital attributes about former baddies from the franchise for the sake of creating a new antagonist for this play. And the worst part of all is that I have to somehow fit the notion of BellaMort into my canon-compliant fan edit. Eheh...

I won't lose sleep over this, will I?