Not My Canon!

WTF: False Sentimentality

Just as they controlled our impressions of characters in Cursed Child, they were also more than comfortable telling us how we were supposed to feel. Rather than allowing the scenes to reach us on an emotional level, they forced emotion onto us. Again, we felt obligated to get worked up, as if the ushers were handing out tissues at the start of Act Four.

The intention was clear. When a fan asked JKR on Twitter if Cursed Child would make her cry, Rowling responded with, "If it doesn't, we'll be checking your vital signs."

Someone else asked her if she liked torturing her fans, and she said, "I'm a writer. If you're not feeling, I'm not doing it right."

To this, I agree. A good writer should be capable of sparking the elusive "feels". However, there are right and wrong ways to lead your audience toward a desired emotional state. What really bothered me is that Cursed Child took a lot of shortcuts to get there, threw in a cheap shot or two, and even altered canon in an effort to make us weep.

Astoria

This doesn't need more than a few words. Astoria Malfoy is the definition of a background cast member. We never meet her, she dies out of nowhere during the fast forwarding of their first three years at Hogwarts, and is used as a quick way to punch us in the heart later when Scorpius invokes Harry Potter from Prisoner of Azkaban after he hears the voice of his deceased mother while trying to cast a Patronus.

Astoria Malfoy is an emotional prop for one of the main characters. And an unfortunate one, at that. I would have liked seeing more of Astoria, or at least more development in Draco because of her. I don't understand why they would have the genuine potential for emotion and forsake it for a flagrant shortcut. And this wasn't the biggest one.

Alt-Ron and Alt-Hermione

The scene between Ron and Hermione sacrificing themselves to the dementors is tastelessly manipulative. Not only does it fly in the face of logic that they would not be able to take on a group of dementors as a pair, but that they would use this moment as a time to profess their unexpressed love for one another. Uh...stop kissing and start Expecto Patronum-ing! But no, we want to make you emotional. So, we're going to take these two alternate reality characters who never married and allow them to share their love for one another, right before death.

This is not necessarily a bad idea, but the execution (pun intended) was off. If you wanted to showcase this sort of sacrificial love, it could have been done so much better. And talk about going for broke! First, we're gonna split up your favorite ship, give them separate lives twice, then shuffle them back together, but only for a second. Oooh, aren't you emotional?

And, we get it, Jo... you wanted to make it canon that Ron and Hermione weren't perfect for one another. We heard you loud and clear in that interview from 2014 that pairing them was "wish fulfillment" and not what should've happened.

See, I told you guys they might not be perfect together. They aren't a couple in two out of three realities... So, I'm right and you're wrong.

I'll circle back to this whole thing, because no.

Dumbledore

My wife will tell you, I can be a teary mess with a good chick flick. As an author, I can comfortably engage with characters, empathize, and emotionally experience their struggles and triumphs. These days, I cry at a good diaper commercial. Truly pathetic, I know.

But that scene where Dumbledore's portrait gets all sappy and starts telling Harry that he loves him made me bust out laughing. Are you joking? Like, I mean it. Is this actually a joke? Here's portions of that conversation: