𝐰𝐝𝐰 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 & 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬

Dear Y/N|Part 5

Dear Y/N,

Tears.

Tears and tears and tears and tears.

They come and go. They sometimes stay.

But to those who are truly sad, they leave.

I have no words for your death. 

Actually, I have a lot. I guess I just try to be strong for you, cover up the pain that I'm left here to deal with. 

The other guys don't know. They don't know what secret I've been holding in for so long. It's obvious now.

I loved you. Excuse me, I love you. And I probably will for a long time.

When you were happy, your soul sparked. I could see you so clear. You were everywhere. Even though you're dead, you live in my mind. I'm going to keep you there.

The boys thought I loved you like a sister. That's how it started.

But, when time passed, I saw a beauty in you. Not just your looks, trust me, you were beautiful, but inside too.

You were so sweet and gentle, it was bad. You were too gentle.

It made you weak and fragile - vulnerable. You were easily hurt, and it killed me when you came to us, repeating that our fans sent you hate again. I'm so so so sorry about that. 

I could never have you knowing that I loved you. You liked him, more than anybody. It broke my heart to see you in that situation.

He didn't love you, I want you to know.

He's not so perfect, now. You should've given your love away, he didn't deserve it. You told the way you felt, but that was because he had left you broken. You tried again, the fight wasn't worth it.

I wanted to tell you though. How much my heart fell for you. How many secrets my heart hid for you. How many times I broke because of you. 

I didn't like breaking for you, but I couldn't control it. 

I think the reason I hated loving you was because I knew you didn't love me back. 

I was like Jonah, I was scared, and that was completely stupid.

I shouldn't have been scared. I should've been brave and told you how I felt. 

And guess what?

I was going to.

That's the whole I reason I wanted you to come over.

I was going to tell you I loved you. If you agreed with me, saying that you loved me too, I would've asked you out on a date.

Who knows where that could've gone.

But it can't go anywhere, now. That is only a dream, seperated from the real world.

Dreams are supposed to come true, right?

Well guess what, they don't.

And I learned that from you. Took me long enough.

These days, I sit in my room with Jack. I hate this room, you shared it us. But I love it so much, it smells like you. Jack sits with me as well. We don't talk, we sometimes mumble a few things to ourselves, and the other one hears. Sometimes we write small things to each other. Zach used to sit with us, but he's moved on now. 

On the first week of your death, Corbyn and Jonah would check up on us, make sure we were okay. 

We weren't, and we aren't. 

I said Zach moved on, right?

I'll never move on. Jack is starting to live life without you. 

I don't think I'll ever get to do that.

I'm pretty sure I'll just sit in this room for five years or so, staying skinny and weak.

I haven't eaten anything.

I'll admit, you can see some bones. On my arms and my rib cage, that's all. My face isn't all hollow and my legs still have a tiny bit of muscle. 

I haven't played my cello since. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I played a sad and depressing song, the night you died. That's when I put everything I loved into a few big old boxes, and into the closet they went. 

The only reason why is because everything I loved, you loved. 

You loved my cello. 

You loved my sense of humor. 

You loved my kindness.

You loved watermelons.

You loved music.

You loved the boys.

See my point?

What I'm saying is that doing something that has anything to do with you, I now hate. 

I want to kill myself sometimes. I just want to end this road, right now. I want to see you. If I miss you, then I'll tell you I miss you.

It brings back so many memories we have together. I would give up the damn world to relive them. 

Remember when I saved you in the coffee shop from that guy who was hitting on you? I could tell he grossed you out. He wasn't creepy, just not your type.

Remember when I held you on the day you first got hate. It was me and Zach and you. Only us home. We found you in our shared room, crying yourself to almost sleep on the couch. You explained what the fans had said. I held you for so long, and Zach made the longest and sweetest explanation to back off. 

Remember when I made you feel better when you got cramps. They were really bad, I could tell. You ended up sleeping in my bed, cradled in my arms. Jonah had called me downstairs, told me he saw you in so much pain.

Remember all those times?

Remember that time, the last time I saw you?

I'm sorry it was short and quick. I'm sorry it didn't last long. I'm sorry it was pathetic.

I'm mad at myself, actually. I'm mad at myself because I fell in love. And everything that falls gets broken.

Remember when I came so close to telling you?

I mean, you wouldn't know, but I do. It felt so good, but then you were called off to see your mom.

Do you think, if I'd told you, would fate have changed?

You could've never died. 

I think about that a lot, and I blame myself for this whole thing. I really don't know why. I just do. 

This letter is so bad. It would be thousands of pages long if I said everything I need to say. But nobody's got time for that. 

Please don't break up in heaven. It's supposed to be a happy place, but I don't know anymore. People said Earth was a happy place, and look what happen. 

Heaven might not even be real. We all just die, and our souls sit in a corpse. It's sad, but it could be true.

And if I'm losing a piece of me, maybe I don't want Heaven. 

Your fluff haired, blue eyed, tooth gapped boy, (and the guy who loves you too much),

Daniel