Does anyone know the feeling of dying? Me? Yes, for I am about to die. The word TOMORROW is in my list.
My life is at its worst right now. I couldn't breathe and the wind is calling me. I don't know what to do, I'm scared. Really scared. You want to know why? I forgot to say something to someone special to me and I regret it very much.
I wish I could go back to the past and tell him to live as if he'll die tomorrow. I want to cry right now but I will stay strong. I really will. I don't want to leave this world crying all around. I could clearly remember that day...
I was 18 years old, and a college student. I don't have much friend to talk with; I don't have enemies to deal with too. I'm just a simple normal girl. But it doesn't mean that I'm quite really lonely because Toff, my friend is with me. He's such a jolly guy - he keeps smiling and he's always there to make me laugh. I wanted to thank him for being a friend to me. Until one day...
We have a PE class during Wednesdays. When I got to our gym I saw him. I was about to call him but all of a sudden I felt my knees buckling and I fainted.
"Clariss!" I heard him calling me but everything's a blur. I couldn't remember anything at all.
I woke up in the clinic and saw him there with me.
Are you okay?" he asked me. I saw how sad he is and...
"Yeah, thanks, Toff. I'm okay right now," I lied though I had hard time breathing. My head aches and my chest hurts. "Toff, can you take me home?"
"'Yeah sure" he replied.
"I will take a nap for a moment" I didn't even know that Toff is very caring about me that day.
He assisted me on my way home, and then I explained everything to my mother. I really don't want to feel this pain - my heart was beating like crazy. I wish I could stop it. But if I do, how am I supposed to love Toff?
Toff had a girlfriend. Yup, I know that. And his girlfriend hated me. Why? Because Toff and I are close friends.
But I couldn't blame her for hating me. I hate myself too. My own body's killing me, slowly but all at once.
Back to present.
"Mom? Can I ask something?" I asked my Mom a question.
"Yes, Dear?" she replied sadly.
"If I leave this world, will anybody cry?" I asked.
"Yes." My mom started to cry after hearing my question. Why did I ask her that way? I want to have a talk.
"Mom, don't cry, please? This is not the end, Mom! All I want is you and Dad by my side," I said smiling.
We chat all day long. Tomorrow will my last day. A day where I and my soul will be separated. Some events flashed in my mind.
I couldn't help it but I saw flashes of memories, like I was watching movies or trailers or shows on TV.
I didn't look back. I kept running
"Clariss!! Clariss!! Wait for me!"
"Sorry, Clariss," he managed to stop me from running further. He held my hand and gently forced me to face him. "I didn't do it on purpose."
"Sorry, Clariss! I didn't do it on purpose." He was apologizing for kissing me. Dah!? Do you think I'm a fool, my friend had a girlfriend and he kissed me? All he wanted was me all along but I didn't pay attention to it. Why? Because I didn't want him to be hurt because of me.
If I die, he's going to get hurt and cry.
If I die, that girl will be happy.
If I live, that would be a miracle.
I wanted to make my mind clear on that day...
"Sorry, Toff, let's just be friends. Friendship is enough for me and that is all I need from you." I said that and looked at the other way. I was shocked because he hugged me. I saw him cry for the first time. What? He's crying, he's crying for my forgiveness…
"Please forgive me, Clariss, I don't want to be alone. All I want is you but I did something wrong. I kissed you even without even telling you what I really feel. I love you, Clariss. Your mother told me that you will die after a month. Please Clariss, stay with me... Don't go, I need you," he said in tears.
I was petrified by what he said. He loved me and he's crying. I hated it! I didn't want to see him crying.
I pushed him and said, "One smile is enough for me, don't be ridiculous. Yeah, you confessed to me. You've said that you love me now because I'm dying? I'm not a toy to be played around. I may forgive you now but you won't earn my trust anymore," I said and walked away from him.
My tears fell from my eyes. All I regret now knows you. Why? You have not been honest to me. I love you, too but... This is not the day or the time to fall in love with you. I will love myself for now. Say that I'm selfish but please leave me alone. I don't know what to do. My head is aching; my heart is pounding so hard. All I need is a friend that understands my situation, not loving someone who I will hurt.
"Mom! I'm sorry," I said to my mom.
My heart, my head, my body are not responding. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. My eyes closed. I couldn't even say a single word.
I died. I died with regrets. I died because of my selfishness. How I wish I can still tell these to him:
"Toff, you are my precious friend. Sorry for what I said last time. I don't want to hurt you but I'm going to die and I don't want you to be hurt. Just because my eyes didn't cry doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry that time. And just because I come off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. At some point, I have to realize that some people like you can stay in my heart but not in your life. I wish that you will remember this thing.
Life is too short to worry. . .
Life to short to be sad. . .
Life is too short to ponder one thing you will never have. . .
Life is too short for sadness. . .
Life is too short for tears. . .
Never ever count a day. . .
Never ever count the years. . .
Life is too short to fall. . .
Life is too short for war. . .
Life is a gift, don't waste it. . .
Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to support you to become the person you know you can be. It's just like an ice, easy to make but easy to be broken.
And this is the last sentence that I'm going to say "Live your life as you die tomorrow" that's all.
Thank you for everything, Toff. Thank you for being my friend. You will never ever see me again because...
I DIED.”
