Before it ends

Am I dreaming?....

"Ryan." I heard my dads shout from the garden.
"Is that your dad?" Brandon looked at me from across the fence. His garden was much bigger than mine, but he was grounded so talking through the fence would have to do.
"Yeah he just got home from work." I lied.
"Buts it's 10:00 at night." I stayed silent "Is he oka-"
"Ryan get you fucking ass here now."
"I have to-"
"Ryan will you be-"
"I'm sorry I have to go." I knew better than to leave him waiting. I ran inside the house and bumped into my sister.
"Where are you-"
"Running." She grabbed a water bottle and attempted to leave.
"Don't leave me with him." I grabbed her wrist and she turned to look at me.
"You'll be fine Ryan."
"I told you what he did last time. I won't be fine."
"Just stay out of his way." She looked down. "He shouts at me to." Her eyes were glazed over with something and her breath held a bitter scent.
"He barley touched you. He pun-"
"Shut up Ryan, I've had enough of your stories." she turned to leave but my grip tightened.
"Your meant to be my sister-"
"Don't." She pulled her arm away "You don't think he hurts me too? Late at ni-"
"Ryan. Come here now." He slurred his words and I heard a smash coming from the living room.
"I have to go." There where un-shed tears in her eyes- and then she was gone.
I heard faint groans and finally walked into the living room.
"Yes Dad."
"Where's all my beer gone?"
"I don't know." He rubbed his head in confusion and trekked towards the kitchen cupboards.
"You know your stupid mother tried to call you again. She rang my phone and for a split second I thought it was for me." His hands reached for a bourbon bottle. "I was right about her. Wasn't I?" I didn't answer- first mistake.
"Wasn't I?" He shouted his words and slammed the bottle onto the kitchen table.
"Yes Dad."
"What is she Ryan?"
"What?"
"Are you deaf?" He roared his question and raised his hand to slap me in the head, my arm raised in time to block him- second mistake. His face grew stern and he grabbed me by my shirt throwing me against the wall.
Don't cry, don't whine. Those were the only thoughts swimming through my head.
"What is she Ryan?"
"Stupid." He turned to me and his jaw clenched "A stupid bitch." I said what he was looking for and he turned away. His eyes were set on the bottle but something in his expression hardened when he poured himself a glass and threw the finished bottle in the bin.
"What's this?" He looked down. He looked to me as if awaiting an answer, but I couldn't see. I stood up.
"I don't know."
"Come look." He stood beside the open bin. His foot was still on the pedal keeping the metal lid up. "Look Ryan." He seemed to be growing more annoyed. I stopped in front of him and peered down. A single beer bottle lay inside.
"I thought I told you to take out the trash before school."
"I did." My heart was racing, I could smell the bitter stench, the same bitter stench.
"What the fuck is this then Ryan?"
Emily.
"I don't know." He smiled. Then things went too fast. His foot lifted off the pedal, his hand clasped around the back of my neck and my head smashed full throttle on to the lid, the metal. He pushed me back and kicked me away.
I couldn't stop the tears now- no way.
My nose was bleeding and everything was blurry. Nothing was clear. Nothing.
"It's these moments you remind me of your mother, weak, stupid, pathetic." The same three words each time. Always.
"I really don't know why she loves you more than me." He stepped towards me. "Did you enjoy the belt last time. Which ones better my fist or leather?" I scooted backwards. "Which one will get the message into your thick skull?" He stamped on my ankle. I let out a scream, I'm sure even the neighbours heard.
"Stupid, weak, pathetic." I tried to stand but the picture of me and my sister fell off the wall and I dropped back down. Glass carpeted the floor.
"Get up." I tried, I really did.
"Get up." But I couldn't. I hated myself.
Get up Ryan come on! No matter how many times I tried to encourage myself, I couldn't do it. I just slumped against the wall.
Stupid
Pathetic
Weak
My father came towards me, his hands grabbed fistfuls of my t-shirt. The material no longer covered my back. His force pushed me into the wall.
I felt it. It was the most pain I'd ever felt. I felt it. I screamed. Nothing stopped. My skin was bleeding I could feel it. The warm liquid that seeped down my back.
"Please."
"Please huh?" I received a punch in my stomach. I couldn't breathe.
I was pulled up until my feet no longer touched the floor.

I'm dying.
It hurts.
My back.
Something's tearing.
Help.
Emily.
Mum.
Dad.
Daddy stop.
It hurts.
He seemed to smile- the more I screamed, the more he smiled. Until he was done and threw me onto the ground. A piece of class cut the top of my lip.
"This is for you Ryan. This is all your fault. I'm teaching you to be a man. I'm teaching you, helping you." Lies, lies, lies. He smiled down at me one more time before leaving the house.

I didn't move, I cried.
I didn't shout, I cried.
I didn't breathe, I cried.
I felt. I cried.
I could see it now. The nail the photo was hanging on. My back. My skin. My dad.
"Ryan?" I heard my sisters calls. I cried.
"Oh my god Ryan." She rushed to my side.
I remember it like it was yesterday, not a year ago. I remember he wouldn't let me go to the doctors. I remembered waiting for it to heal. I remember the salt water we had to use. I remember crying when it scarred. I remember him giving me one more scar. Just one more- and then I remember leaving. I remember the look on my mums face when I told her I loved her, I wasn't ignoring her, I was hurt, he was mad. I remember the look of pure disbelief. Not anger, not guilt, not sorrow, disbelief. I remember trying not to remember. I remember trying to un-hear.

"I told you things were bad mum."
"I know."
"Two weeks ago mum. What took you so long?"
"I know."
"Mum stop. Your not allowed to do this."
"I know."
"Stop saying you know. We've moved, this is meant to be our new start, but your so in your own world you can't help us."
"My husband he- he-"
"This isn't about you. Take your anti- depressants and wake up."
"I know."
"I need you mum." My sister was crying now " After what happened, after he- and his hands were all over- and I-"
"My husband wouldn't do that." My mothers voice was cold. "Just shut up. Shut up."
I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream, I wanted to forget. So I did, I told myself I did.
Why? Why all this? Why me?
"Stop hurting me. I'm tired. Please. Dad. Dad. Dad."
********
"Ryan."
"Dad."
"Ryan."
"Da-" my eyes shot open "Dad. Da-" everything became clearer. "Hayley."
"I'm here."
"Hayley."

"I'm here."