Before it ends

Too hard...

It's hard to realise you're alone. That you're loved by so many and surrounded by so much people but your alone. You're alone because no one can even begin to understand how much you want everything to stop. It's a nauseous feeling when you're so close to running back to the one that hurt you. So close to giving everything to the wrong person. Again.
I love her but she doesn't love me.
I need her but she doesn't need me.
I see her but she doesn't see me.
I cry but she smiles.
It's a horrible feeling.
"Ry?" Emily stands at the foot of my bed. I sit up and look straight at her. "I remember my first heartbreak." I try to smile but it doesn't quite work. "Jimmy Sanders. I was about your age. He slept with Becky Whistle and got an STD. We dated for about a year before I was ready to ya know-" she smiled lightly "before we could go all the way he told me what happened. I promise you it felt like the world was ending- no ones life is meant to be that dramatic, and I didn't think anyone's was until I met you."
That I laughed at. A bitter sweet laugh.
"You need him. Your dad, I get it. You need someone during this period of your life. Now I won't be so selfish to keep you from him."

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"You have my blessing to go see dad. I want you happy Ryan. Not that not having my blessing would stop you."

"Thanks, I guess." I went to look out the window. It had been 15 days since me and Hayley had broken up. Everyone at school was walking on egg shells around me, everyone at home was doing the same. I was sick of it.

"Why does it hurt so much Emily?" By the surprised look on her face she wasn't expecting me to talk, after a moment of silence she formulated an answer.

"Because its you Ryan, you love blindly and ask questions later. You're so sweet and-" she paused "damaged so people tell you things last, so it's harder for you. That's not your fault it's just how the world is."

"Yeah." I nodded "I guess." The truth stung, it stung a lot, but I needed it.

"I know you loved her." I tore my gaze away from the window.

"What?"

"It's clear you loved Hayley Ryan, but it was also clear she loved you too." My sister made her way to the door. "I'm not gonna say you'll work it out because I can't see the future- but this will all go away eventually."

"I thought you couldn't see the future?"

"I can't." A ghost of a smile braced her lips. "All you need is closure and I have a feeling you'll get that pretty soon. "

*
My phone rang beside me on my bed.

"Hello?" The line was silent , I was almost ready to hang up before I heard her voice.

"Ryan?"
"Grace?"
"Yes."
"Why did you call me?" Again the line went silent. Until finally..
"It's about my sister."
"I figured."
"Look I can't tell you the details but she- she loves you Ryan."
"Oh god." This again. " Look Grace-"
"No, like really loves you and-" she hesitates. "the reason she broke up with you is because she's ashamed of herself, so please. I know it's gonna hurt but you have to dig for the answer Ryan, and if you decide to end it when you find out then so be it. At least you'll both know everything, at least you'll have no regrets. You both owe yourselves that Ryan. Just look deeper, if you still love her you'll do that one thing- for the both of you."

The line went dead.