Breakeven

Chapter 20

"They're all asleep" Danny said as he came back downstairs after checking on the kids.  He seemed so normal, just going about our usual routine without a care in the world.  I wondered why he hadn't been more annoyed at my phone call earlier, it was clear that I was just checking up on him, but he hadn't even mentioned it.  I, on the other hand, had thought about nothing else all night.  I've always said that I couldn't be in a relationship without trust but here I am fighting for a relationship with a man that I love, but can't find it in me to trust.

"Danny, about earlier...." I said, feeling the need to bring this up before it totally eats away at me. "...I was checking up on you when I rang"

"I know" he replied simply as he sat down and wrapped his arm around me.

"Does that not bother you?" I asked resting my head on his chest so that I didn't have to look in his eyes.

"Of course it bothers me Kay, Of course I wish it didn't have to be like this, but I fucked up and now I have to wait as long as it takes for you to realise that I'll never do that again." He said

"I'm sorry, it's just when Jess said she had seen Mark..." I started but Danny finished the sentence for me.

"... You thought that I had lied about going to the studio and you worried"

It felt so bad when he said it, it made sense in my head but hearing it out loud made me wonder why I couldn't get past this.

"How can you say you'll never do it again when you won't even tell anyone what went on?  I just feel like you haven't got enough support."

Danny moved, holding my shoulders gently as I was forced to look into his eyes. "I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to be treat any differently.  Right now, to everyone else, I'm the same person I always was.  It's hard enough for me to deal with rebuilding our relationship Kay without worrying about another one, so no, I don't want to tell anyone.  As for how can I be sure I'll never do it again?  Kay, you saw the withdrawal, you saw what I went through, why would I ever want to do that to myself again? I promise you, I'll never do it again."  As he finished talking his hand moved to my face and his thumb stroked lightly over my cheek, it felt comforting.  And there was still something about those words 'I promise' that made me feel safe. "Can we just go back to being us?" He asked.

"I want to" I replied, and I meant it, I wish we could just go back to being us, but I also wondered if we'd come too far to ever truly go back.  I had him labelled in my head as an addict, and I know that I treat him differently because of that.

"How would you feel if I took the kids to see my mum for a few weeks?" I asked him

"Why?" he looked broken as he said this.

"Because I think I need some time out" I admitted to him.

"Time out as in a holiday? Or time out as in us?" He asked

I took a deep breath, tears were filling my eyes.  I didn't want to walk away from Danny but I knew that if I stayed that our relationship could be pushed over the edge.  "I need some time out from us Danny, I can't do this anymore." I replied as the tears spilled over.  He pulled me closer to him as I sobbed into his chest.

"Will you come back?" He asked and I could hear how upset he was too.

I sat up to look at him, I loved this man so much, how could I be bailing on him at a time when he needed me.  "I hope so" I whispered.

His arms wrapped around me so tightly, I felt safe in his arms and I hated myself for needing to leave but no matter how much it hurt, I knew I had to do this.

"I don't want to lose you Kay, I can't imagine my life without you" He begged.

"Danny, I can't stay, it's breaking me" I tried to make him understand but I knew he didn't.

"What will we gain from splitting up?" he asked

"I'm not ready to call us over, I always planned to take the kids to see my mum during their holidays, I just thought it would be while you were on tour.  Look, we'll skype every day so that the kids can still speak to you and I hope that putting some distance between us will help me to get some perspective."

"I'll go and stay in a hotel then, please Kay, don't leave me, and don't take my kids away from me."

This was becoming so difficult, my intentions were never to take his kids away from him but in that instant, I realised that was exactly what I was doing.

"I'm not trying to take the kids away from you Danny, I just need to get out of here, please don't make this harder than it already is.  If you move into a hotel, the kids will know that somethings wrong and we might as well just say we're over.  Going to visit my mum won't seem strange to the kids, and then we might have a chance."

"Kay, I can't stop you from going, but I wish there was another way, I love you so much"

My finger traced over his face slowly, I knew every line, every mark by heart.  "I love you too Danny" I said through tears.