Breakeven

Chapter 21

"Kay" I heard as Danny shook me until I was finally awake.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I was rubbing my eyes "What time is it?". I glanced over to the clock on the bedside table and got my answer before Danny had the chance to speak it was 3:45. I turned to look at Danny, he looked a little pale and there were beads of sweat littered across his brow. I opened my arms and enveloped him in a hug.

As my hand stroked over his damp hair I knew what was wrong, I just didn't know what to do, how to help.  "Talk to me" I whispered.

"It's too hard Kay, I can't do this anymore." He was almost begging me for help, for answers, answers I didn't have.

"Danny, look at me." I said as I loosened my grip and waited until we got eye contact. "You can do this, you are the strongest man I know and if anyone can do this, it's you"

His eyes looked blank, like he wasn't really hearing a word I was saying, but then he answered and I knew he had heard "I can't do it without you, there's no point to this without you" he said in utter defeat.

I wished that I could take his pain from him, I wished that I had a magic wand that could make this all better, actually I wished that we never had to deal with this in the first place.

"Come on" I said as I threw back the duvet and swung my legs out of the bed.

"What? Where are we going?" He asked in confusion.

"Well, we aren't going to stay in the bedroom emphasising the point that you should be asleep and you can't.  If you can't sleep, then let's get up, I'll make some coffee. I smiled as I left the bedroom and heard Danny following me downstairs.

I switched on the coffee maker and made drinks for us both, handing one to Danny and taking a sip from my own.

"So, what are we going to do today?" I asked him, trying to distract his thoughts.

"Dunno" he replied and the tone of self-loathing in his voice concerned me.

"Why don't you go for a run?" I suggested, remembering how often Danny used to run in the mornings before this all happened.

He twisted his face and shook his head at the suggestion. "I shouldn't have woken you Kay, just go back to bed" he mumbled.

"No Danny, I won't go back to bed, anyway I'm awake now." Well that was a bit of a lie, I could happily crawl back into bed but he didn't wake me for nothing so there was no way I was going back to sleep now.  "So how about, you go for a run and when you get back we can plan what to do with the day?" I asked this like a question but it was more of an instruction to him.

He nodded, I guess he knew I wouldn't let this go and just leave him feeling sorry for himself.  "I'm sorry" he said as he kissed my cheek before going upstairs to get changed.

He came back shortly after wearing his running gear, "How long will you be?" I asked.

"Kay, this was your fucking suggestion, don't start with how long will I be?" he snapped at me before actually answering the question. "About half an hour I suppose" he said as he went out the door.

I felt like shit, I had made the suggestion based on nothing more than what would make Danny feel better but he was right, as soon as I saw him ready to leave I felt the need to check up on him.  I decided to get a bath ready for him getting back, he should be back just before 5:00 so he'll have time to relax before the kids get up.

I sat down with another cup of coffee, yawning and yearning for sleep but once I had finished I headed to the bathroom and filled the bath using some Epsom Salts to try and make Danny feel more able to sleep, I lit some candles around the room and switched the light out, surely a more dimly lit room will help him to relax?  Just as I was finished I heard the door.

I stood at the top of the stairs and saw Danny coming towards me, he looked happier.

"Feel better?" I asked him as he approached.

He smiled and nodded.

"I've run you a bath" I said and Danny wandered into the bathroom, he turned to me and smirked.

"What?" I giggled.

"It looks like you've run us a bath?" he said to me as he pulled me into his arms and kissed the tip of my nose.

"I need to get things sorted for breakfast" I said to him.

"Kay, the kids won't be up for hours, come on, join me" he said to me and then looked into my eyes with 'that look', the one I can't say no to.

We sat together in the bath and it felt good, Danny seemed more relaxed and we spoke, like really spoke, not just snapping at each other.

"So, when are you thinking about going to your mums then?" Danny asked.  I knew he didn't want me to go, but he didn't let that show in his voice.

"I was thinking about Sunday, Jess has got Kelsey's party on Saturday and I know she won't want to miss that so I'll have a look at flights and see what we can get." I told him, wondering if he had hoped I would say that I've changed my mind.

"Are you booking return flights?" He asked as his eyebrow raised.

"Danny, I don't know what to do.  I told you last night that I intend to come back but I'd rather just see how I feel and come back when I'm ready to, it might be a few days, it might be a few weeks"

Sensing that this was troubling me Danny kissed my neck and said "Take as long as you need, lets tell the kids at breakfast and then you can get things organised OK?"

I smiled, I knew this was hurting Danny as much as it was hurting me and I was glad that he was able to accept my decision.

"So, how are you feeling now?" I asked Danny.

"Better, I'm going to start running more, it really clears your head"

I stood up and grabbed a towel to wrap around my body as I got out of the bath.

"Where you going?" Danny whined.

"I need to move Danny, I'll be asleep before long if I stay in that bath and the kids will be up soon." I laughed as I went to get dressed.