Breakeven

Chapter 48

I sat with Mark for what seemed like forever, but in reality was a little under an hour.  I was worried sick about Danny but I knew that he was in the best place and I took comfort in the fact that he had reached out for help.  I couldn't help but feel responsible for him almost relapsing, why would he think I was seeing someone else?

Sharon came along to see us after she had finished her counselling session with Danny.

"How is he?" I asked as she approached us.

"Confused, but we'll work through this.  I've suggested it might be a good idea for you two to talk if that's ok with you?" she asked

I nodded my agreement.

"Look, I'm going to head off, Rina will be wondering where I am, but let me know how it goes, and we're always here if either of you need us" Mark said as he hugged me.

I followed Sharon to the room where she and Danny had been talking and walked in to find Danny drying his tears.

"I'm going to leave you to it ok?" Sharon said as I entered and she turned to leave immediately.  I didn't know what to say, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, worried that saying the wrong thing would send Danny over the edge.

Danny stood up and held his arms open as he said "I'm sorry".  I walked over and wrapped my arms around him, I felt safe in his arms, like I belonged there but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was no good for him, that he was better on his own.

As we pulled out of our hug, Danny took my hand and guided me to sit next to him as he took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry that you were dragged back into this, I thought I had it all under control but I was wrong.  I've talked it through with Sharon and she said I should be proud of myself that at least I contacted Mark when I felt myself slipping but I feel awful that he in turn contacted you.  I didn't do any of this for attention and certainly didn't want to spoil your morning, I wish you didn't know how close I came, but Kay, I didn't use."

"I know you didn't" I said as my thumb mindlessly traced circles over the back of his hand.  "What made you feel like that was an option?" I asked, trying not to mention using, or drugs or any of those terms.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you after last night, it just kept going round and round in my head when you asked me to kiss you and I knew that you didn't get it why I felt I couldn't. I literally had to beg Sharon for another pass out today to come and see you but I just wanted to surprise you and let you know that I wanted us, more than anything."

"Well you certainly surprised me..." I said to him, still feeling a huge sense of confusion.

"Yeah, I bet I did." Was his only reply, until he took another deep breath, clearly pondering whether he should ask his next question.  "Who was there this morning? At the house when I was there?"

I could see tears welling in his eyes as he asked, and then it all made sense.  He thought I'd had someone over last night, that's where his notion that I was seeing someone else came from.

I smiled as I wiped his tears away.  "It was Mark, I was shouting at Mark to get out of bed"

Danny looked horrified, "Mark had the kids while I was with you yesterday, and when I got home last night I was a little upset at how things had gone.  We had a few drinks and he helped to straighten my head out, and to understand that you weren't rejecting me, you were just putting your recovery first.  Anyway, he decided to stay over to help me with the kids this morning but you know what Mark's like, he slept straight through the alarm and I had just got back from dropping the kids off at school when you heard me shouting at him to get up."

His hand stroked my cheek, and he looked into my eyes.  I felt confident as I knew that Danny could tell straight away when I was lying, just as I could with him.  "I'm sorry, I just jumped to the conclusion that....." he trailed off

"And that's why you gave me your keys back?" I asked, suddenly feeling like everything was falling into place.

"I just had to get out of there, I walked for ages playing it all over in my mind and before I knew it I was stood in Leroy's street.  I didn't mean to go there but maybe, subconsciously, I felt like I had nothing left to lose."

"And maybe you sent that text to Mark knowing that you had everything to lose.  So now it's my turn Danny.  All those months ago, when you decided to come in here, we sat in that hospital room and you asked me to wait for you, remember?"

Danny nodded.

"And at the time I was all over the place emotionally, I had the threat of losing my kids hanging over me and everyone telling me how bad you were for me.  And I asked that you didn't ask me to wait for you, and that you didn't get clean for me.  Danny, I've tried to convince myself that we're better off apart, that we can be better parents without being in a relationship but I can't stop loving you."

We both leaned forward, our foreheads touching just as they did all those months ago.  His hand ran through my hair and I felt as though I had the strength to say what I had to say.

"I want us to be together, I want what we had. But that can never be at the risk to your recovery.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you still want me to, then I'll wait for you, I'll wait for as long as it takes.  I want our life back."

I could feel Danny nodding, he wanted the same thing.  His head tilted and almost in slow motion I could see his lips moving towards mine in short jolted motions as if he was following his heart as he leaned in but his head was still questioning his decision.  He stopped, millimetres from my mouth. "Are you sure?" he whispered.

Rather than answering I closed the gap and pressed my lips against his.  The kiss felt good, but with a strange uncertainty surrounding it.  Maybe it was right? And maybe we've just totally fucked everything up again?