Breakeven

Chapter 29

His pace quickened as he saw me outside. "How's Adam? Why are you out here?" Danny asked, obviously fearing that something had happened to Adam and that was the reason I wasn't with him.

"What do you care?" I said with disgust as I turned to walk away from him.

He grabbed my wrist and turned me to face him. "Of course I care Kay, that's my son in there too you know." Danny looked a mess, his face was tear stained and he looked as though he hadn't slept at all.

"Let me go" I said to Danny as I looked down at his hand on my wrist. He released his grip immediately.

"I'm sorry Kay" he said as I turned to walk away.

Something inside me snapped, "Oh you're sorry are you Danny? Well that will make everything better then wont it? Maybe when I go inside my son won't be lying in a hospital bed, my daughters won't be hundreds of miles away wondering why I had to leave in the middle of the night" As I spoke I was banging my fists on Danny's chest, the punches had no power behind them, I didn't have the strength in me but I needed someone to blame and right now, I had nobody other than him. Tears streamed down my face as I said out loud for the first time the mess that my family was in. "What makes you think that sorry can even come close to making this any better?"

Danny grabbed my hands to restrain me, he said nothing, just looked at me with a look of utter powerlessness. I was close to a breakdown and I knew it. I fell into his arms and sobbed against his chest, his tears were also falling freely. I still felt comfort in his arms, it gave me strength knowing that I didn't have to face this alone anymore and even though I knew deep down that him being here could make matters worse with Social Services, I didn't care, I needed him.

"I need to go back in" I said as I pulled out of his arms.

Danny stood for a minute almost as if he wasn't sure what he should do, or say, "Can I come with you?" he mumbled.

I wiped my eyes as I wondered how to say what I had to say. "I'm not going to stop you from seeing him, but the Social Worker might. I don't know what's gone on Danny, and right now I've got bigger things to worry about, but you need to face up to whatever's happened and I think talking to her would be a good start."

Danny followed me through the corridors of the hospital, he paused just as we were about to turn onto the corridor where Adam's room was. "I can't do this Kay" he said.

I turned to see a terrified man stood before me, "You can Danny, you just don't want to, and I haven't got time to be strong for you because it's taking everything I've got to stay strong for Adam."

I walked away, knowing that he wanted my support. I hoped he would follow but I didn't dare to look back.

"How's he been?" I asked Mark and Rina as I went back into Adam's room.

"Just the same." Rina replied "How was it?"

"Oh, she just insistently asked question after question, I couldn't take in most of what she was saying to be honest, but then she said that I had to make sure that Danny doesn't see Adam."

"Well that's not going to be a problem considering he's nowhere to be found" Mark said with a real annoyance in his voice.

"He's outside" I said, "at least I think he is"

Mark let out a heavy sigh before marching out of the door.

"Kay, what's going on?" Rina asked "why is she saying that Danny can't come in here?"

"Rina, it's all just such a mess" I said as I shook my head in disbelief of what my life had become. "I don't want to talk about it in here though" I said as my eyes looked over to Adam, he may be unconscious but I have no idea if he can hear what we are saying. Rina nodded and took my hand as we sat down and watched Adam sleeping.

"Good morning Mrs O'Donoghue" the consultant almost sang as he walked into Adam's room "And how's the patient today?" he lifted the notes from the end of Adam's bed and began reading.

"No change" I replied feeling defeated.

The consultant ran some tests on Adam and then said the words I had been longing to hear. "He's improving" he paused for a while to let me take in what he was saying. "I think I'd like to take him off the ventilator and see if he's able to breathe for himself."

Of course I felt happy that he was making improvements but what if he can't breathe for himself? I nodded at the consultant, acknowledging that I had heard what he had said even though I had no words for a response.

"This is good news" he said as he realised that I wasn't about to speak. "Why don't you go home and get some rest, come back here at around 2 and we'll get rid of some of these machines.

"I can't go home, I need to be here if he wakes up."

"Mrs O'Donoghue, as I explained to you last night, Adam has been sedated so that we can monitor his progress and give his body a chance to heal. We're not quite ready for him to wake up but we're definitely moving in the right direction."

"I don't understand" I said, realising that I have not really taken in anything that I have been told since I arrived.

The consultant pulled up a chair, "I know it's a lot to take in right now so I'm not going to go over everything. What you need to know right now is that Adam is improving, and you need to take hope from that. We have to take this one step at a time so go home, get some rest and come back here at 2. I'll be here and we'll talk through what will happen next OK" his tone was so calm and soothing I almost agreed, almost.

"No, I'm not going home, I want to be here, I want him to know that his Mum is here with him." I said, not willing to be persuaded any other way.

"Kay, I'll stay with him if you want to go, at least take a shower and freshen up?" Rina offered.

"I can't, I can't leave him" I said shaking my head to emphasise the no.

"Look, I wouldn't normally do this" the consultant said as he wrote something on a piece of paper. "I live on site, so you don't have to go far, go and get yourself freshened up, have a break from here, it'll do you good." He handed me the note along with a door key. I don't know why, but I accepted it.

"Thank you" I whispered as I pushed the note and the key into my pocket.

"Don't tell anyone I've done this." He said with a wink as he got up to leave the room.