That Summer When She Cried

Part II: Those Thunderstorms and Holocausts Of A Bitter Past

An ending is divided into three parts. The past, the present, and the future. The past determines what happens now. What I do now brings me nearer to something unknown called the future.

-Tanya

--

I neglected him as much as I could when they got home. But at times, I also felt excited being someone who would look after an adorable kid. I still joined our practice and danced wherever my group could take me.

Andie continued schooling while I decided to stop for a while. It was hard being a fake mother and a free woman at the same time.

Besides, I was never fond of being a student so I didn't really care. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that some time in the future, Andie would take the responsibility over Luke so I was deaf and mute whenever I hear him cry, whenever he was needing something.

But I must admit that his eyes caught a small piece of me. I woke up one night to the sound of his cry on a separate room. He was soiled and hungry and I took the liberty of making his milk and putting him to sleep. It took me forever to get it done, with spilled milk, fallen diapers, scattered clothes, and impatient trying-hard fake mother at the end of it.

It was past 4 in the morning when I finally got him to close his eyes. I was there during his baby check ups and follow ups. Andie was in school and she was just graduating in time.

My co-dancers dropped me from the group after missing multiple practices due to shouldered responsibilities. I argued with our manager but it was nonsense because that day, I was officially gone. I hated Andie and everyone more than I could. And at that time, I knew that the only one I had was Luke. He cried at the worst times at the worst situations. We came across Liam and he saw me with the kid but I just gave him a cold shoulder.

He had his first birthday and I prepared for it. We had a very little celebration for I started living on our own and stopped accepting anything from the parents I had.

Yes, had.

Like me, Luke missed a lot of things in life the way I did too. He was never carried that much, was never breastfed even once, never slept beside anyone that often.

He was growing up faster than I have expected. He started talking with two syllables and the first thing that came out of his mouth was Mama. It was directed to me.

For some foreign reasons, it warmed my heart and I thought I was priveleged to be called such.

--

I never touched Luke when he came out. Well, I did. Maybe once or twice. Checked on him at times when I thought of doing so.

He looked like his father, someone I never saw after such a long time. Luke got his eyes from his dad. The nose, the lips, the shape of his face. And it made me somehow hate him more because he was a constant reminder of my mistake.

I wanted to say sorry to my twin for making her life miserable but I never found the courage to do so. We both have built a high wall between us and it was so sturdy no one could really put down.

I graduated in college and Tanya was struggling so hard finishing her second year while doing what I was supposed to do. Luke was growing up so fast and before I knew it, he already learned who to call mom.

We were all in the living room, Tanya was watching the TV, Luke sitting on the floor not watched, and I facing my laptop, but no one was talking. Then Luke walked up to her, handing her some toy then he said 'mama'. It was a joyous moment.

The joy mothers feel when their child calls them 'mama', the happiness that warms anyone's heart when you know that the time you spent carrying a child inside you would be compensated with a simple mention of 'mama' to call you. I felt it. And somehow, I felt some pinch of jealousy that it wasn't for me.