The Tattooed Prince 2

78.

Sebastian Point of View

I love her. I know the way I acted and treated her made it seem as if I didn't. I was never good at showing someone my true feelings and sadly Adalyn wasn't the exception either. Believe me when I say I tried to love her in my way possible, yet it never occurred to me my way of expressing my love towards her was hurting her. Maybe if my head wasn't so far up my ass, things would've been different. I would have provided Adalyn with the love I wanted to shower her with.

I can't continue to lie myself either. In the beginning of our journey I wasn't kind at all, I continued to be reckless and she paid for my mistakes. There was no way in hell I was ever going to be able to repair the damages I did to her. From the start, I began clawing at her instead of accepting her into my life. Then again, at that time I never imagined Adalyn and I were going to work. She and I seemed the opposite and in reality we were alike, we both wanted to be accepted by someone...anyone. Poor girl got stuck with me to accept her and I truly believed she didn't have what it takes to be a Princess, although at times they were moments she would shine like a true Royal.

Along the way I realized she truly didn't deserve to be a Princess and it wasn't because she wasn't capable of being one, her desire for freedom was much greater. If anyone could set her free it was me. I wanted her to taste what it felt like to not have someone breathing down your neck, I never imagined I would let her taste her freedom by destroying her along the way. My intentions were pure, somewhere along the way I became selfish and I refused to want to let her go. I fell in love with her, yet I couldn't let go of the huge ego I carry. If I would've placed her first none of this would've happen. We would be back in the palace with a child running around, but even that I managed to destroy.

"You always stop there, when you bring up the child Adalyn and you lost you shut off." Dr.Oaklen spoke out. She wanted me to move on from the same story and empathy I had for myself and tell her about the miscarriage, but a knot would form in my throat and I stop myself from speaking. It's too hard to speak about it.

"It's not going to hurt more if you speak about it, you know."

"You must've never lost a child..." I responded back.

She shifted around her seat and sighed. "No but I can-"

"Imagine? No you can't because imagining is nothing compared to actually going through it. I watched her tear apart and there was no way I was ever going to be able to put her back together. She for a year we did treatments and tried and tried...." and we tried again. I thought giving her a baby was going to fill the void she had in her heart and make me feel a little less guilty for not realizing she was pregnant.

"I didn't understand how a tiny spec of life could make such a big impact on someone. When she cries in my arms telling me how empty she felt now, I felt empty too. You see; she isn't the only walking around with a void in their heart. I feel like everyday and I dream about a baby I was never able to hold. So if the pain in my heart is this intense I can't imagine how much pain she goes through everyday."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened." She responded.

"I do. If I wasn't so cruel to her, if my lifestyle didn't put so much strain in her mind, body, and soul, that wouldn't have happen. Her and I would be together right now." I yelled angrily with tears rolling down my face.

"I can't talk about the miscarriage because it fucking hurts. It makes me want the whole world to stop turning and let me breathe. I deserve some type of mercy, right?"

"If you continue to let this eat you up you're never going to get better. It's worse to do this then to ask why it happened. Sebastian, things happen for a reason and you just have to own up to it. No matter how many times you tell yourself what you could have done differently isn't going to change the fact your spec of life doesn't reside in this world anymore."

I closed my eyes letting the tears flow down my face. Dr.Oaklen was right but it's hard to accept there isn't anything I can do to change things. It's a bump in my road I can't flatten out. All I can do is forgive myself and move forward. It doesn't mean I'm forgetting my child, there's always going to be a piece of me torn off. If Adalyn can walk around with a hug  smile and her eyes full of life, it's about time I try to do the same. I have to have mercy on myself.

"I believe we were forced to love each other that when we did truly love each other. Life believed it was better off we didn't have a connection between us." I said, wiping off the tears. "I wouldn't have wanted to bring a child into this world if things were still going to be like this. Adalyn would've been hurt just about the same. Maybe even worse. The Royal Counsel would've found a way to take the child and let leave if she chose not to be with me. Knowing her, she would've sacrificed her happiness just to be close to her child."

As much as I hate to admit, maybe life did have a reason and whether my reason is true or not, it makes sense to me.

"When was the last time you went to the cemetery?" Dr. Oaklen asked me.

"We didn't have a body to bury so there isn't a place to remember."

"You don't need a physical location to remember. I'm not saying to forget about your loss because it's impossible but stop letting it hold you back."

"There isn't a place to remember our loss but Adalyn and I got small tattoos on our index finger." It was her idea to get a tattoo to remember our baby. She didn't want something big but wanted to be visible to her eye. We got a tattoo of a crown, our little royal.

Dr. Oaklen scribbled down on her notepad before looking up. "It seems like Adalyn made her closure that night. Although the loss was immense she found the closure she needed."

I looked down at my finger and smiled. I guess in a way she was right. Every time we would get a negative pregnancy test she wouldn't frown or cry about it. She's shrug it off and say it wasn't our time yet. When Delilah got pregnant, I saw a glimpse of sadness in her eyes, not because her sister was pregnant but she wished for a moment she was too. The same way the glimpse of sadness came, it left and she smiled excitedly for the new addition to the family.

I don't know if she placed a barrier when it came to having a baby to show me how strong she was. Or she truly was falling apart on her own. It's a question I'll have to ask her one day, that's if I ever do see her again.

I sighed. "What happens after I get over this bump in the road? What's the next step to my recovery?" I asked her.

"Freedom. I'm going to give a day to step out of the facility and do what you please. Your grandmother is going to be present at all times and bring you back before ten."

I nodded. I was ready to step out and look out into my city. For the first time, I missed being a king.