15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 10: Side A

Matt and I became less of friends days later. Weeks actually. We use to text all the time. He was probably one of my oldest friends. Told me what he likes about girls, what he wants in life, little things about his job. I told him about schoolwork and funny things my friends and I do. We exchanged pictures of us. I remember those soft blue eyes. Diamond colored. I envy people with bright eyes like that. Brown eyes are common, but they're beautiful too. "You look so cute," he'd say small things to me. "You're the smallest and yet adorable friend I've seen to far!" Flattering. Very flattering. You sure do know how to make girls smile.

When you first meet them.

Weeks later, his way of flattering me shortened. Which I didn't mind, until he wanted something out of me. I'm keeping this between me and you, Matt. I'm grateful that you cared about me like I'm your kid. Flirt like I'm your girl, but asking for more than that..I stopped texting you because of that.

You always wanted me alone.

The day I dog-sat. "Are you by yourself? Who's with you? Are they a girl or boy? What age?" These questions. I wanted to turn my phone off. Even block you. I didn't. I was too stupid. Let myself fall like that.

For you too be in such moods, I should've left.
But I felt so alone. I wanted someone to talk to.

I gave up that day.

Days later, you asked for the same thing.

"Your cute little face, I'd wonder how it'd look if I done so."

I told you that I had to leave for the day. You wanted some kind of heading on it. "Yes you can." You texted that so sternly, I was scared. I stopped texting you for a couple of days.

"Rikkun."

I didn't text back. After maybe around three days, I texted you. "Hi Matt."

You never replied. Not even seen my message. I wonder if you deleted me..

Am I that easy to forget? Or was your excuse just "You led me." One thing for sure, I never flirted with you. Nor did I ask for those.

Is it weird that I'm still waiting for your text?..

I remember looking at my photo of me and Clay at home. The phrase of "A man is like a wild animal needing to be trained" came into mind and so did "Breaking a man is like breaking a horse". I must've not talked to anyone for a while. I don't remember.

Another shot is heard. Rikkun's gasped and I hear things thudding around. Was it Mary?
I listen to the tape as Rikkun slept next to me. Snuggled on my arm.

Th-then out of the blues. An old friend texts me.
The jr in his family. Josh. I met Josh when I was still with Miguel. We never talked because I was so shy then. Too scared.

Now that I'm with Clay, he texted me on and off.
"O.M.G you look beautiful!"
"Stop looking beautiful girl!"

Hehe, he one day confessed that he had a crush on me before. I was honest with him and told him, "Aw, I never knew, but I'm sorry to break your mood. I'm already in a relationship."
"Oh, that's OK. I can just leave you be then."
"No it's fine! We can still text and be friends."
I wanted him to stay. Besides, who knew I'd have a friend in classes with me? I didn't want to be alone, I wanted to be at least a best friend. Plus we never talked so this was our chance. We laughed and sent each other stupid videos.
"If that class makes me stand and introduce myself I'm dropping out!"
"No! Take me too!"
We laughed and watched each other played video games through our phones.

Josh, you cheered my day up. Even nights.

One day, I was shopping for some clothes. I walked in the store and recognized you quickly. Instead I went all the way back hoping you didn't see me. Why? Not sure I get embarrassed when people see me in public. I noticed you turned your head to see me. So embarrassing!

You came up to my side, "Rikkun?"
I hesitated to look at you, "Hi, Josh?"
"I knew I recognized your hair color! Girl I haven't seen you in years! Haha!" Your smile so big. I giggled, "Wow, you changed.." He was taller than me now.

I use to be taller than him..
I'm so short!

"Pink clothes, huh?" He looks at my bag filled with pink clothes and a pink bow. "I-I was just trying to be more of a girl? Y'know?"
"I thought you were already perfect the way you are just now."

Flattering words. The fact that Josh had a crush on me then and never told me, that's incredible. Kinda goes with Clay's story actually. When he asked me if I was really with someone I told him yes. He was with someone too. Josh accepts anyone for what they look like. Thin or chubby. He didn't mind at all. I honestly love that about him. He's forward and really caring.

It's not wonder he joined that class with me.

"You're taking that class? Why would a girl like you take a class like that?" He asks. Lots of reasons actually.

I wanted to impress someone.
I wanted to change myself.
I wanted to use that as an escape.
I wanted to break my barriers.
I wanted to be strong.
And I wanted to show everyone that I can make it. Even if I was the girl who told stories.. I wanted to just change. I wasn't perfect then and I'm probably not perfect now.

"I want to learn new things. It doesn't hurt. I'm a little scared, but I'm sure I'll survive."

"Same here. But hey, we got each other. We'll make friends."

Josh, you acted more closer than what I expected. Which was good. Plus you did keep distance. Not sure because of your girl or you wanted to keep in touch once in a while. You weren't bad at it at all. I like that.

I don't think I ever told you my situation going on still.

See, when we got our classes back for the next grade. They were supposed to keep me and a certain someone away from each other. We, "accidentally" had two classes together plus a lunch. So I switched my two classes. A main class and a alternative class. I didn't mind, but I was still impressed on how we got classes together.

Last time, our classes merged up for after school Tutorials. David and I ended up being in a room together. Might I remark that my fear level was above limits? Haha..
I sat with a friend. My teacher noticed how a stuttered so bad when asked a question. She pats my shoulder and handed me a cherry flavored jolly rancher. She was nice to me actually. Best math teacher I had. Love her.

Anyways with my classes changed I had some friends in some classes. Which was good for me because God knows how scared I can get.

Mr. Copper tapped my shoulder scaring me, asking if I was ready to come back for the year. I told him I wasn't so sure. He laughed and tells me that this year would be better.

I wish.

He got a better placement since I last heard. I admire how he got things done. I'm surprised he remembers me..

I remember looking at the school, walking through the halls. My hands tracing the walls. Was I truly ready?

Was I ready at all?..

The tape stops. I look to Rikkun, fast asleep. I brush her hair gently. She shouldn't have gone through any of her hard pain. I look to her small wounds healing.

"I love you. I love you so much."