15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 12: Side A

Two words; fuck you. Plus one; Kris. Happy you came back into town, from your stupid report. Since I had met you back then, you were attached. Which I was OK with. You walked with me to school and back. We lived in front of each other. Cute. Anyways your stupid report. On your own mother because she couldn't afford to pay the light bill. She's a single mom working alone, Kris. You being like that towards her makes you look so low. Ranjel, why did you do it? Because you were too "good" for it.

You moved.

A week later after my year starts in High school you came back. We waved, but never spoke again.

You waved to me when I was leaving the locker room. I rolled my eyes and ignored you. Why? Because you did the same not long ago.
"What's up with you?" You had asked. "None of your business" was all I said.

I walked out upset at three things. One because a friend was weakly emotional and was "about" to throw up. Another friend didn't show up because apparently she got sick from eating lunch and went home. Great excuse.. Finally my last name shouldn't be on me. Crying out- my father served and my brother still learns in the actual thing. I can't do shit no matter how hard I try.
I always get the point at me. Or I get called out for the lowest of things. But that pushes me. And I like that. It helps me alot actually. It's getting me..somewhere.

Honestly, she was always smiling. Even when the instructor held and shook her a little. She didn't seem afraid of them anymore. She looked- so close to them. "This is your first then!" He said.
"I know!" She giggled. That small cheerful smile.
When I saw her walk to the locker room. Tired as she was, but she had this tall pride walk. And I felt like I saw her brother and father stand and walk on the sides of her. She held her side, but I saw a little pride in her. I still worried for her then. She later told me she had a little trouble breathing, but she also told me to go on to my next class. I saw the independent in her, but I also see a little girl. A little girl wanting to show that she can do whatever she is willing to do. And I think the instructors saw that too. I'd hear them call her last name. Cheering her on a little here and there. Then of course she's a girl- but I see a burning flame in her. Motivation and inspiration. I wouldn't want that flame of hers to go out. That was just Rikkun Larsson. Nothing holds her back when she has the prize in her eyes.

And if I wanted a little sister. I think Rikkun's attitude would be perfect for it. Sassy, determined and a little bit of smartness.

But I'm happy Rikkun is mine. She's my girl, and I can always treat her like a little sister sometimes. She gets to embarrassed and wants to be mad when you embarrass her out! It's adorable. And I love it. Because it's just her.

I've noticed how she still stood by her friend. A girl. She pushed her to go on. And when she went, Rikkun would stay back. Aside from her side pain. I always see those two together. Like she's the acquaintance of Rikkun. Which looks pretty adorable.
I overheard them in their small conversation. "I use to be a weak emotional person like you. But it was natural to me. Well- for me," Rikkun had stated, "Now a days I'm more of an asshole joke. Which isn't bad. It's more of a hard shell. To outside people and bad friendships." The girl laughs at her telling Rikkun that she couldn't find her shell. Rikkun told her it was OK. That shells can take a while after a few hits. "Stick with me, you'll see some tricks I have." They giggled.

And again I swear she would be a perfect nurse or councilor for students or anyone. She was helpful and just so kind. So mothering and yet still fathering. I questioned how she does it sometimes.

And as I walked down to my next class. I didn't see her anywhere. So I thought she was still in the locker room or went off without me. "Bye Sanner!" Was all I heard. A shout from afar. I turned around to see, but I see anyone familiar. So I thought it was Rikkun who had shout it and ran off.

But I always see a little kid inside her.

Funny, because I remember walking down to my next class and I'm getting complements on my dress. I wanted to be comfy anyways, and warm. So that made my day a little better.

But I also passed you. David. And I can't wait to see the look on your face that day.

Trust me. I'll have a smirky smile. Heheh!

I was still thinking about a career. For the longest now. It started from a Veterinary to a Librarian. Working at a Cafe. But that was elementary thoughts. When I hit Intermediate I wanted to be a Nurse. Junior school I wanted to be in the Army. Freshman year and now, I'm still fighting between Nurse and Army. But I saw that I could become somewhat of the both. I could become a Nurse and serve for Military. But I know I'll have to start way down the list. It's the least I can do. Honestly!
I'm starting to think it runs in the blood. Y'know? My father did roughly around three years in the Army. My brother is still serving in. Ten more years- I think. Me? I want to join the Nurse Corps. I'd get to help my country, the soldiers and their families. So say I was in base. And in bases there would be homes for their families. Commissaries would be there with special places for Nurses to be. And work at. Of course if your an active worker that is. Talking about this makes me happy. I know. Weird.
My whole self is just weird.

And I guess thanks, Felix..for punching me in the shoulder. Because you don't like to see me in a dress- for some odd reason that affects you. It wasn't a hard punch but it hurt later on.

Why didn't she tell me that?

I look to see I look to see her on the swings. She was doing OK. It's like she completely forgot about all these tapes. I don't think I've ever seen her like this before. Honestly I never seen her like this in school before.

I wish I could buy her something. I would buy her a promise ring but I don't have any money on me, at least not much. Those usually cost a lot. I feel terrible now.

I sighed. She wished for one. I remember that.

I'll get it.

Someday.

"You're in that class?" Kris eyed me. "Yeah. Why, is there a problem?" "Yeah there is. I don't it's meant for you."
I remember how much that hurt me. You told me to change that class for another class. But I can't. Why? If I did there would be a high chance I'd get a class from David. I don't want that. At all. Kris you wouldn't understand anyways. I don't expect you to either. No offense. "Why didn't you just go in Art?"
"Because I hate their rules. I'm a freestyler- not a mainstream."
"But you're a girl."
Honestly who cares. I didn't ask at all.

That wasn't the first time someone told me that. I'm a "gullible girl", right Felix? And girls aren't supposed to have a say. Right? We're too "exaggerating".

Sometimes I hate being a girl. But here I am.

I just want to be held and told that I can be something. Because all my life so far, I've been told that I couldn't make it. That it wasn't right or meant for me. And for once I want to feel a little accomplished.

I look to Rikkun. She was swinging her feet like a little kid. She really did keep a lot inside her.

So much.