15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 15: Side B

I never did talk to you, Z. And my time is nearing. I'll remember all of my happy times I had with everyone. Clay. Ethan. So many of my small friends. I'll never become what my dreams are. I'll never see what marriage is like. I'll never feel the moment. I'll never be alive anymore once I'm finally done.

As I look out into the sea I remember my mother's words. Cremated. Me? I never did die in someone's arms. And for a while I wish my dead body can sink into the water. Lake or ocean.
Ms. Rose, I'm sorry. You were always like a mother to me. So sweet and caring. I couldn't be strong. I never asked for help. I still bubbled up and cry in public.
Clay..I loved you for a good year. You made me feel happy. Please don't cry, remember that Monday? I was singing a song from the small letter I made to you. A small lullaby. I might've changed "sleeping" to "thinking", but the truth was the "sleeping" was meant to be a final moment. Understand?
"I will always be here for you, everything will be OK" remember? Do you remember the song? The note? I'm sorry I cut before, all those days. I hate myself. Be with your family. You're better off without me.

I glanced at Rikkun up on the tree still. She asked for a minute alone to think about some things. Her eyes fixed on the lake from afar.

I was never important. Face it. It's a fact. Because my last kiss with you, I remember I wanted to cry. You must've felt my nails scratch your chest or something. Trust me, I wish you could've swept me away. Run away. Just the two of us. I never had the guts. So when I finally left, arrived home. Pressured with grades and life. Relationship and friendship. Family. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to so badly every time I stepped foot inside my own home. The phrases of loving your mother and honoring them I couldn't do. My own mother, wherever you are now, I'll have you know that I miss you. Hate and miss you. You put things into my mind and made me go insane with a headache. I hated it! I never cleaned the scars because I wanted to die. Now a days then, I was happy to get cuts on me. Less of me doing the work. I just wished, mom, that you weren't so negative and depressing. There had been so many times the thoughts of killing you impaled me whenever I was close to losing my sanity to you anger and "explanations". I never did. You always implied the fact of you vision that I could, at anytime , kill you and go to jail. You never believed in me anyways. Mental health was never alive to you. I'm the "walking slut". But that's OK. Because as hard to finally say loudly, I'm glad I'm dead and away from you. I wish I was the miscarriage. I wish I was never born into my own family! Call me crazy, "stupid" all of the words you told me, call me whatever, I'm glad I finally made the choice on my own. 

Kept bringing up David. Clay. Negative bullshit and all I ever wanted was a good year! The big fainted scar on my wrist wasn't from the broken glass. It was from you. You scratched me so deeply it burned in the shower. The red marks on my skin was from you gripping my shoulders and pushing and hitting me. Domestic. "Don't talk to much" or I'll get sent away. Keep my mouth shut because you filled my fear. Well maybe I needed to talk to someone. Someone who wasn't you! All you ever do is judge and bitch about. I needed more of the comfort and loving reassuring than a smack of "I told you so, stupid". And maybe I was looking for a father figure because daddy was never there for me when I needed him the most. This "family" isn't breaking down because of me, it broke down because it was never loving and standing. It wasn't perfect or basic like other families I've seen or heard from friends, they enjoyed everything and we couldn't do that. I hate my name. I hate my race. I hate my life and I hate myself. I cling to friends because I thought if I didn't have family love I could get it elsewhere. I cling to Clay because I felt home in his arms. Both a father and slight mother. Ethan because he felt like a lost sibling who was never born. I cling to the girls in my class because they felt like the sisters in a wolf pack I never got to run with. I stayed in that class because I wanted to shift the pain when I couldn't take it to the tears I hated. I dreamed on being a soldier because I thought that would help me escape. Die with a purpose. I wanted to be a nurse, work under for the Army. Why? Because I wanted to feel closer to my brother and help those in worser conditions unlike me. I cling to my phone because of the small memories and music. Remembering what I liked, not because I was addicted to it.. I wanted out from the house. There was times I never wanted to go home because the story will always rewrite itself. I cut every time in the shower sometime. Out of anger and pure pressure. Sadness. Useless. Imperfect child. Stupid. I was I guess a little depressed, but I was trying to fix myself. I wanted reality to ease. To just go away. I was never welcomed. The goodnight kisses were no more. Less hugs and less talk each day passes. Dead at 16. Sweet 16, happy death day. 

We made a year, Clay. Are you happy? 

I look to Rikkun, now walking down the path next to me. Her eyes so faint. Like the color might had been sucked out. After a while she sat down next to a running lake. 

She stood there. Black leather jacket, blue jeans and a pair of gray shoes. Her brown chocolate eyes seemed to dim the brightness inside. "Rikkun" I lowly called her name. She sat at the edge of the lake on the green grass. She picks at the small stones near her. Her small shoulders relax. I walk and sit next to her placing my hand on her shoulder. Her brown bangs covered her eye. I sighed. "Rikkun, I care about you. Please don't do this." Rikkun looks away from me. I couldn't take this. I gently moved my hand to turn her head back to face me. Her eyes met mine. Her brown eyes water up. "I'm sorry," she gasps out. Her nose turns a little red. She lets a tear slide down her small face, "I don't know what to do. I'm just- I'm scared and I shouldn't be," Rikkun couldn't find the words to say under her small cries. She starts to hic. I pull her close to me. I hug her. Tightly but gentle. I could feel her hands grip the back of my hoodie. Her face digs into my shoulder and chest. "Clay.." She weeps. I brushed her hair, "It's okay. I promise. Things will get better." She pulls back and looks to me. I wipe her tears away with my thumb. I then cup her face softly, "You're strong. And I'll do anything for you to be happy." Rikkun hesitates, but she pulls a smile on her face.

Rikkun and I were still in the small forest away from the neighborhood. Still next to the running lake. "Clay," she says once more as she tries to gain her voice, "why do you do so much for me?" I sighed as I smiled. I placed my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. "Because I love you." I said, " And nothing can change that." My hand cups her cheek. So many times I've done that in school with her. She held my hand in hers. Taking the moment in. Rikkun starts to hum. 

Some things are meant to be. 

The song..I remember it so well. "Take my hand. Take my life too. For I can't help.." 

"Falling in love with you.." I finished the lyrics with a tear streaming down my cheek. She pulls back, holding my hand, and looks at me. The water in her brown eyes. She was blushing through the tears. She smiles weakly. Without my voice saying anything, cutting me off she slams herself into me. Knocking me down on my back as she gave me a hug. Crying. I hug her back. 

So, player, Clay Sanner, do me the favors? Break this cassette and make your choice. Please? 

The cassette stops and I then break it. A small knife. I look to Rikkun, sitting crisscrossed in front of her. She glances at it and looks to me with sad eyes. I get it now. She could never do herself the offers. She had to choose someone she..trusts.. I held the knife in my hand. I couldn't. She must be asking me to end her suffering. Her misery. Her pain. 

The memories of being with her hits me. Along with our song. Tears burst down. 

She cups my cheek with a hand, "It's OK." Her sad voice was so calm. I shake my head. I threw the knife into the water. I grab her into a hug. In my arms, cradling her. "I don't want to lose you, ever!" I cried out, "I can't do this!" Without hesitation, she pushed her soft lips onto mine. Her sweet lips on cherry. I kiss her back, wanting the moment to never end. 

We pulled away, the kiss went a little messy. I didn't mind at all now. It was worth showing her how much I love her. How much I wanted her to be alive. She smiles despite the tears in her eyes. "Meow." We look over towards a small kitten. "Dusty!" Rikkun opens her arms out to her cat. Dusty runs and jumps into Rikkun, still being cradled by me. The cat purrs. Rikkun gives a small kiss on Dusty's head, "I miss you too little one." I kiss Rikkun's forehead. 

What were we going to do now? We had basically ran away from home. Together. No money left, but we had each other. I sigh. I'm happy she is alive today and now. The choice was so..terrible but I think it was the hardest test I've ever taken. I kiss Rikkun on the cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Where to now?"

"I guess..the road now."

"Yeah. Us and the road. I like that." 

"Meow."

"Dusty says she loves you too."

"I love you both. My family."