15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 11: Side A

Well, I've made some new "friends" during the first couple days of school. Which I'm happily OK with. Saw many old friends..

Zandy..

When I saw and heard your brothers last name, I recognized the color and hair detail you had. You were on my bus. And for a moment, I felt a skip.

But you never remembered me, did you?

After the first day our group was waiting for our bus. It came late anyways. I saw you. And you did too. I wanted to talk to you, but I haven't had the nerve to. I felt awful. So awful.

"Can you tell her I said hi?" I ask a friend. They nod, "Why?"
"I use to know her.."

I left to start walking home. Sure I was happy to see Clay and my other friends, but something was bugging me. I wasn't sure if it was classes or people. Teachers?

I blasted the music in my ears looking at the cloudy sky. Smiling. Putting the nightmares behind me and wanting to see that special light. "Woohoo!" I remember putting my fist into the air and jumping around. Like I've won the greatest prize ever in my life.

Next day was maybe a little OK than the first. Aside from seeing a certain asshole..I got see you, Z, again. I'm glad you made friends and kept your old ones.

I knew there wasn't any part of me talking to you. So I left to my class. Afraid of that class actually, but I picked my head up. Faked a laugh to hide myself shaken.

"Larsson, you OK? Scared?"
"A- uhm..a little?"
"Don't worry kid. You'll fit into it. I see it."

I stumbled in.

"I'm sure she'll be fine."

Fine for now- those eyes are just intimidating towards me. Paralyzing. And that's a whole new feeling. Not going to lie.

"Rikkun! You're actually in this class?" A girl called out. "Uhm, yeah guess so."
"Awesome! I thought you'd pussy out."
"Heh- no." She playfully punches my shoulder, "At-a-girl! Come I'll help you."

It was..a family feelings honestly. I glanced at others, why did it feel like that? I have no clue. Not even the slightest actually.

I'd be so embarrassed whenever they called out my name. I'd either laugh and cover my face or smile nervously with my ears in a shaded pink.

I always caught her smiling. I thought it was cute. She fit in so quickly than I did. Maybe it was cause she was a girl- or she had a way of getting along with others. I actually met Josh there too. Caught them waving at each other with a smile. She looked so "happily embarrassed." And when I finally talked to her after the class, her cute face was tired out and embarrassed. Shaken too. "Fun?" I asked. She narrowed her eyes and laughed, "So fun." She sat next to me, "I can't feel my legs.."
"Haha, I told you."
"Oh hush up." She was so adorable when she was embarrassed. And to top it all off, her bangs were out of her face. Completely! I could see both of her brown eyes shine. I want to see her like that all the time. Even before that I did hear the teachers call out her last name a couple of times. Rookie and I think they must've saw her so worried and scared. Even with her friends. When the bell rang, she lightly ran to catch up with the newer Freshmens. They were smiling and giggling a little.

Rikkun was social. I've noticed how she'll add a joke to catch their attention. From their she'll hook them up. But that's only when she doesn't know anyone- completely. Shyly social.

I caught up to her and smiled, "I think you did fine." She pinches her earlobe, "Y-yeah right. It is a lot different from my old one."
"More fun huh?"
"They're more..light complex. I like it."
"Why'd you even want to join this?"
"Because I wanted to. Thought it'd be nice."

"You can't just join a class sophomore year with freshs!" Chloe had scolded me that night, "Why the hell are you in there? You're gonna get yourself killed!"

"I just want to be there. OK?"
"What are you trying to impress? The asshole or the asshat?"
"I just want..I don't know. I hate myself already. Is there really m-"
"Your name is fucked up in the system. What can you possibly change?"

"I just want to impress my brother!"

I remember tears streaming down my face during the call. One because I never see him that often anymore. Two because he never bothers to text me much. Three because I feel like a runt annoying him.
Even my own blood scared me. That's how low I am.

"So what you want to be just like him?"
"No..I just want him to notice me is all. He just never talks, y'know?"
"So you joined..because you want to show your brother..that you can do something like him? I'm I right?"

Honestly, half way right. Then later on I had the guts to call him up. And trust me, I had chills down my skin..everywhere.

"Hello?"
"Hi bro, so..I joined that class." I said a little anxiously.
"How was it? Did they hand you down?"
"It was sorely amazing. And no- not sure when that's gonna check in."
"I can help you train to improve better."
"R-really?"

It caught me off guard when he wanted to help me. He was a big guy, with a soft hear- for some people.

"Yeah. The park, gym nearby, and at home. Great start offs. I did 80 push-ups in 2 minuets. Well, they made me do push-ups, sit ups and a run for our first time."
"I think sit-ups are better."
"You're still gonna have to do the rest, Rikku."
"I know."

We talked for a little then hung up.

For the night, instead of sleeping and getting rest like someone had told me to do, sorry. I dug my feet under the bunk barefooted and did sit-ups. "Meow." My cat sits next to me. "OK. Dusty. You can coach me," I chuckled. She paws my head.

I probably did too much. I didn't count. I woke up on the floor with my cat snuggled next to me. Shoulders and thighs had the worst pain. I did too much, "Well fuck me.." I groaned sitting up achingly. Dusty meows whining for me not to go. "I gotta, kit."

"You're nothing but a player" "You're a bitch" "Disrespectful lying girl"

I remember those harsh words. And when I thought sophomore was gonna be fun..

"You're just a sex toy" "They just laugh at you because they know you"

Nightmares never end. Not for me. They never will. Till my dying day I guess.