15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 12: Side B

I was honestly having a little fun with that class. Meeting new people and just learning away in bliss. Away from stress. My own stress and hell.
But the dreams and just everything wouldn't stop.
Josh, remember that night you called me? It was maybe around 9:00pm. And I was about to sleep, but you seemed in such a desperate need. Aside from having trouble in a study, it just felt like you needed someone to talk to. You asked on how I was feeling and the most I said was, "It's been OK. Had problems, but it's OK."
What did I mean by that? I guess let me explain. Ever since I had my best friend about my career she completely fusses about it. "You can't" is the main thing I'd hear from her. "You can't even fit in that stupid class" "You never do anything right" kind of stuff. And when I told her it was the closest to my dream- the only true interest in my mind- she lashes out saying I'm only doing this for my boyfriend. Not once had I mentioned his name. I wanted to cry. It wasn't true. "You're so fucking stupid. I'll bet he'll get you pregnant and leave you. That's all he wants anyways."
I sat in the bathroom floor- cloud over my head. I can never be happy because of things like this. I can never follow my dreams. And this was the only thing I liked. Interested. I felt alone. I remember I looked at the blade and told myself, "Please don't do this." Tears overflowing my eyes, "Please."
And it wasn't beckoning me. I did it on my own. I hate myself for it. But the stings it gave, I look up at the mirror to see myself. I cried emotionless. I dropped it in the sink and held myself. I remember going to my room and Dusty came to comfort me. She gave my kisses on my cheek and cuddled. She didn't want me to feel sad, she's a baby and I was supposed to be a mother for her. And I do. And when I look at her green blueish eyes I see "Mommy, I'm here. Don't cry. I miss and love you."

"So you sleep on the floor, for your cat?" Josh had asked still on the phone with him. "Yeah, she's 5 months and she's very clingy towards me. It's the least I can do.." "That's really cute of you."

Dusty booped her nose on mine.

"This is a first talking to you on phone."
"Same here."

Our call ended around 10:00pm, not sure. But we were on for hours. I didn't sleep much. I felt so sick. My shoulder and side had a pain. The joint of my pelvis was hurting. Heartache too.

"She hates you. Hundred percent!"

Thoughts just came and killed me. For a moment I was shaking under the blankets.

Raye what was your plan? Am I really not that perfect? Do you only piss at him because he reminds you of someone? Am I that terrible?..

I'm terrible, aren't I?