15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 15: Side A

I hate being cornered mentally. It feels terrible. So I had gotten myself into books. Reading for the fun and to educate myself in real life events, if necessary of course, and to learn better vocabulary for the fun. Like old times. I read a total of 10,000 books. I think since I was in elementary, I read almost every book from the school library and halfway through the public library. I was a fast reader back then. Now I was trying to find my speed again. I was more into Fantasy than ever. Romance. Just Action in all.

But I couldn't really read to my goal of half of the book when my class decided to finish up the lab of acceleration and whatnot. And being the only female did not help me much. Tristan and Ethan, you two are bizaar. "I bet I can read you like a book," Ethan states from the other side of the lab table. "Sure? OK, read me out." You took a moment to study me. When you did that I was starting to get nervous. "Shy, that's a first. Submissive." 

"H-huh?"

"You wouldn't happen to be in the community, would you? Not shaming you." You said chewing on a thin picker of wood. "I..I happen to be so." I couldn't tell if my ears were blushing out of embarrassment. Ethan came around the table to move some lab "toys" around. Our group usually messes around with it and never gets anything halfway done, so yay. His arm wraps around my neck and pulls me towards him. His heavy scent hits me like a pack of cigarettes. "I feel so bad for you, haha!" The wrap around startled me and I accidently my pencil cut me a little on my chin. It bled a little. When we walked down the stairs for lunch, Tristan noticed and told me about it. At that time I was confused. Ethan wanted a look, "Let me see." His fingers lift my head to look at him. "I don't want to like, hurt you." Reassuring word of choice. It felt weird that he was doing that motion instead of Clay. It made my heart forget how to beat for a moment and made me worry. "It's just a small cut," he says softly then a smile. I pull away, "You made me cut myself with my own pencil you jerk." "Aww, so angry." "Shut up!" Tristan decided to add himself in, "Hey, being the only girl with a group of five boys, how do you feel about that?"  The question made me a little sick. Ethan you must have saw that. "I..Very new?" Tristan smirked, "Sure it does. You head was in the gutters." "No! Ew!" Ethan laughs loudly patting my shoulder, "Poor girl."

I remember before we had went down for lunch, still in the lab, Ethan had came up behind me. An arm wrapped around my body and his other, his hand, covering my mouth saying "Shh". The feeling thrilled and scared me a little. Knowing he could do that, made me rethink things a little more often.

I sat with my friends telling them that I was friends with Ethan. A friend of mine didn't seem to like it and told me to be careful. In which I replied with, "OK, mom" with a big smirk on my face. I hated myself for wanting to seek him out with the crowd of students. And when I did lock on I'd stare, studying him back. And when I look at you, Ethan, I remember your hands on my throat, I felt the small pressure as you were joking. To trigger my spots, coming from a non-lover. It felt off. Sure there was times where we had our laugh over the stupid shit we'd say. You seem to like that about me. Being funny. "Not many people are," you quote. Learning from you made me make new tricks to use. A Junior, who would have known. I thought you'd be a Sophomore or Senior, but I was wrong. Surprised really. I was more surprised at myself when I remember I still had you number somewhere in my bag on a slip of paper from Tristan. I never used it, I guess I was waiting for the right time. But when was that right time?

It felt like walking into a trap, but I longed for it. Why was I trying to keep a secret..I felt so guilty then later was relieved from it. I just felt so weird, like two emotions were fighting inside my chest and head. And if I figured it was a "crush" thing I grant myself the honers of  bruising my thighs. Punch my stomach. And hope for someone to run over me.