15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 14: Side B

I always dreamed of being free. Not sure why, but I wanted that feeling. I don't think I'll ever get to fulfill it.

Right, Nikki? You're so naive. So gullible like a movie star light skinned actress.
You are the one who started all of this. David. Those games. Those chains around my body and soul weighing me down like a Christmas movie I had once watched. The cloud over my head, why did you do this? To me?

Was it because I seemed weak? Easy to use?
If I was..then sorry.

"Lets play a game. It goes like this, I give you something to do and you have to do it or else you'll have beats on your skin. Fun yes?"
"That doesn't sound child friendly."

The game was like an all dare type. So say you have a "mission" on a Sunday. You have three days to finish. If failed, whoever is sent would kick the living hell out of you. You resist to fight back. Otherwise it's just..worse. If completed, you get no punches, rewarded with another "mission".

I shouldn't stopped the game as I headed to 6th grade and up, but I didn't. I was so stupid.

Mine wasn't so bad. Light stealing, like teachers' forms, sodas, locks, and sometimes they'd leave money out on their desk.

At one time, I was told to take their ID, but..that would be in their wallet or purse. I didn't want to get that near to personal possessions. So I left the days go by.

I ended up with a black eye the day after the final day.

"Leave me alone!" I cried out holding onto the door. The boy throws me to the side of the wall, my back hitting that edge corner.
I remember how bad the pain was. I was shaking and the edge of crying. I remember how tall the boy was, how his shadow hung over me like a deadman. It was just so scary for me.
I tried backing away, but trapped with the wall, no use.

I wish he had beaten me to death sometimes. I just didn't know how and what to feel for a while. Even now a little.

It was OK.

No one came to help.

After that day I stared at my father's old whiskeys and other drinks in bottles of glass. Years old, probably strong taste. I didn't bother with it at that young age.

Oh the irony. Right? Well, did it amaze you? Even a little?

The pain and torment. I don't understand, Nikki. I never did. Probably never will. And like I said early, it's OK.

"Terrible little girl", "Haven't had enough punishment" those words gave me shivers.

Now I liked hearing it. Wrongful of me. Strange, how a bad outcome can place a virus into a person's feelings and thoughts.
Traumatized perhaps.

Nikki, I should have never accepted your game. But here I am. Standing, limping.
Your blonde hair and tin blue eyes, trancelike. You've joked about how I'd never get far with a boy unless I gave a little in.

So why do I look out that gymnasium's windows? Waiting and fearing. I was afraid of having to much fun in that class, that anything negative could just hit me and knock me down back into a deep black pitch hole. Filling up with red water and little light. Dimmed.

A few classmates had thought I was upset. I wasn't. My eyes seem to be "stanky" but really I was in my head replaying the pain all over. Triggered by something, I wish I knew. The soreness didn't help much anyways. "I'm OK," I'd say, "Just don't understand the lesson."

And the game still continues, huh Nikki? Because why would a white car be parked near my house since the morning? The driver was still there, but I couldn't make out what gender. He left after a neighbor saw them and pulled out their cellphone.

I'm not sure if they were gonna come back. I hope not. I questioned what I had that was so precious and valuable to a stranger. And the downside of it too. Disgusting and scary.

I remember closing my window and covering it up because I felt so insecure. I remember that Tristan had a pair of binoculars and when I had asked why he never told me. He gave me a eerie look. I wasn't sure if it was him or a complete stranger now.

I'm afraid.

Why this and why now?..

Ever since the "tied down" I've been feeling so..lustily. Crave something. So thanks Nikki for that..destroyed my feelings.

Now what about that message you sent to almost everyone? Are you happy? Do you hate me that much?

I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong to you. Maybe now it doesn't matter, because I'm a dead little girl. What everyone wanted, right?

I remember before I fell asleep one night, my heart was pounding. Something was wrong, not me, but something in my gut was telling me something.

Of course, I'm not going to tell you now. You have to wait still.

And so do I..and I'm scared. Out of my mind really. That night I couldn't even breathe normal. I was..panicking a little here and there. All because of you, Nikki. A big round of applause for you. Throw some flowers and goodies for you, too.

..you too..

Why do I even bother.. I should've just killed myself and forget about the tapes. Nothing special. No one would care. They only will if I was pretty or dead. And I'm choosing death. I'm nothing important at all. Just a waste of space. Waste of life, too. I'm a waste. I am a waste. I can't do anything right. I fuck up everything I do. Motivation gone for good. I'm just useless. I just..want to start over.