15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Park

I went back to the car. She had left the keys so she must have gone on foot. I drove around the block.

I reached the small park. I saw Rikkun sit on the yellow slide. Black hoodie and was hugging her knees. Looking blankly at something. I park next to entrance. I make my way to the bottoms of the slide. "You didn't have to run off like that." Rikkun glances at me as if studying my mind. Those brown eyes. "You didn't have to follow me. Why do you even care?" She stands and walks along the chained bridge, "State your reasons."
I didn't want to play her game. "I love you. I care about you. You should be honest with m-"
"You? I be honest with you? I have always been honest. Speak for yourself." Her eyes averted, "And when honesty became a problem I started lying that I was fine."
"So like that time you cut. I checked you and you reacted." I remember pressing down on her skin lightly over her clothes. Feeling and checking for a reaction of pain or sting. She did. She told me it was a bruise. "Why weren't you honest, Rikkun?"
"I was afraid you'd be mad. Like now. I just..I hate it OK? I really do. That and myself." She lets her legs hang out as she sat on the bridge. Her head down like a caught dog with its ears down low. "You could've just told me.." I said calmly. Maybe she couldn't trust me enough still? Who knows what goes in her head.
Maybe if I was still in that time, I could've pinned her. Interrogated her. Not too rough, but at least somewhere to get her to talk.
I rub the back of my neck. I could've done something. I feel like shit. No. I shouldn't think like that. Rikkun gave me so much to think about months together. Days. Year. I wasn't mad I was more upset than ever. I felt terrible.
"I'll live," she says, "It's not like I'm aiming for my veins."
That was true. She never did cut around her veins. It was more away from them entirely. "Still, it hurts you and me. Your skin shouldn't be hurt like that, Angel."
The world slipped.
"Angel?" I could see her skit blush appear a little. "I'm not an Angel."
"You are my Angel." I start to make my way up to her. Cautiously. Careful she might run off or jump off just to get a start. She wouldn't do that. She's afraid of heights. "My Angel and love," I tell her, "you mean so much to me." And she does. She meant the world to me. So much I care about her. She backs away, still on the bridge, to the next stable platform. "Rikkun, please." I knew what she was doing. It's was a game. A test. A serious test for me. If it was a check or light test she'd be smiling and giggling a little. She wasn't. Next platform had a slide down. She turns her body and uses it down. Halfway she jumps over the smoothed wall of the slide and lands onto the ground. Shaken a little. I follow behind. Taking the slide down. I reach out to grab her wrist but she flinches away. I run after her as she started to chase away.

I could tell she was slowing down and I think she was feeling regretful. She looked around quickly and by the time I knew it she had ran towards a platform, jumping onto it which was about her jumping range, and scurried away down the lane. I follow below. It was just something about running she seemed to like. She hated and loved it. I hated it! She jumps onto another platform, and this time she ran on all fours. A "running bear cub". I remember how she called it when our class told us to "bear walk", it was like crawling. She was better at the running..She's done this before. This time, it felt so inhuman of her. As if she wanted to block everything about human race away. She hops onto the next platform. Getting higher above the ground. I start to climb up but she was skittish. I could see her legs shake as she crouches down with her hands on the ground for balance. She looked at the trees. 

I knew what she was about to do..

I take a big leap to get to her platform. "Rikkun!" My voice gagged out from lack of air, "Why are you doing this?" She looks up to me as I wanted to near her. My body kept pushing forward. "You seem to mistake me for many things." Her voice so still, her chest asking for a normal breathing pace. Mine was too. She crawls backwards, edging towards the end of the platform. "Rikkun.." Her fingers snap as if to hush me. "Let me go..If you seem to care more about looks and use me for seek and pride." Finishing saying that, she lets her pelvis thrusts up as she kicks a leg up. Her foot stomps onto the edge of the platform kicking her off into the air. I saw the flexibility in mid air. My eyes widen, afraid she might not make it to the branch but she did. She grips on, fearing the fall straight down. She makes her way to the trunk and wraps her legs around it to climb and perch on the branch. "I didn't use you like that!" I call out to her, "I'd never do that!" She holds and grips onto the trunk of the tree, "Then why didn't you help me when I needed it. In matter of fact, don't answer that." Her eyes avert and they seem to be pitch black, "You're still learning, little boy." "I'm not a little boy." "Then educate yourself in the world of shades of depressed miserable lives. See the real truth in blood and meaning. For fucking sakes, Clay, I hated lying to you about my scars. My cuts. I didn't want you mad at me, but here we are." 

I edge to the platform, high from the grounds. "I wasn't going to call the hospital or tell anyone if you had told me. I swore on my life. I wouldn't call the mental or anything like that on you."

"Then explain the child serves. Explain that Clay." 

"The child serves?.." My question faded into my mind. What was she talking about? I didn't call for that serves nor did I thought about it. And if that was on one of the tapes I didn't catch it or heard it yet. "Rikkun, I assure you, I have nothing to do with it-"

She laughed a little darkly, "You want me to believe that? Listen, chico, you tell mommy everything you and I do. She sneaks a peek. You apparently saved them. The pictures and videos. I didn't get notified, so thanks for that. She doesn't like me. Face it. I'm not a perfect white girl everyone wants and wants it to be. I am not perfect!"

"You don't have to be perfect like that, Rikkun. I love you just the way you are-"

"And shut me down whenever I try to help you? Shut me down whenever I want to ask for help with small problems or things like that?" She crawls near the edge of the branch to take a good look at me. Like a panther ready to pounce. Her movement so slow and trancing. "I did you so many favors under the table. I can't take my side of the shit because apparently you're a trap! And me? Oh I'm a fucking slut in this fucking town I call home!" She bursts into tears. She was letting it all out. That was good, I was getting somewhere but not like this.. "Rikkun I wanted to help you. I still do-" 

"Stop it! With your charismatic ass already..You can't always butter something up to fix problems. You need to talk them out, set days to get things done. You know? It's just..sometimes I feel like you don't really love me..I feel like you're always toying with me just to shut me up." 

"Baby, no. It's not like that.." I wanted to reassure her. Not with the sweet talk. Just a normal talk. I think I understand her a little better. She heats up and attacks her anger out then to stop and weep still letting the rest pour out in drops. Now she was crying over her rage. She was crying as she told me everything. "I love you, always and will. I would never hurt you because I would feel like total shit. You know that." She smiles faintly, whipping her small tears away, "You're an idiot." 

"But I still love you."

"I love you too, idiot."

"Can you come down now?" 

She shakes her head. "The height is scaring me." She said as she grips the branch. 

"Silly kitten," I chuckle. 

She said so much during her explosion. I didn't know she had so much bottled up. I wish..maybe in an alternative world I could have helped her better. 

Maybe that Clay can do a little better than me?