15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 14: Side B

Well I suppose my nightmare never seems to end. Hm? That seems to help me when no one does. Because I don't want to become a "new problem" or become "stress". Right Clay? Again. Who is she, Clay? Is she better than me? Did she give in when I couldn't? Your dear mother seems to talk about her a lot. "For your information he still keeps in touch with his ex. Still goes to see her" she quotes over the phone. Hearing that and more broke my heart. Then you talking about the sudden "space" and other things. You were having fun out there. You have freedom while I lived the hell for you to be happy. Ever thought of it that way? Reverse the joke, Clay. I was more of the male role than you were. Logically when damage took over. I wanted to ask for you help. Like my grade and to let things go in my mind. Set at ease. Then I thought about the words you had said and texted. I wasn't afraid. I was more around the feeling of keeping it inside. Bubble it all up. And I had. I always have actually. I wasn't sure if you noticed the wanting of my tears in my eyes. Because I move to quickly and always had a mask. Eyes covered with my hair and just looking away. It wasn't because I wanted to leave you. No. I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to keep smiling for you, caring less about myself and my needs. I felt like time was always rushing towards me. Maybe because I was afraid you'd leave me for your ex. I didn't want to think it was true. I wanted to think it was her lie. I'll never know will I?  Sometimes I'd hear our song, and believe it was fate. Now I think it was too cliche. Adorable even. I don't hate you. If I tried I'd cry. My heart wouldn't know what to believe anymore and that's why I'd never ask. I'm scared and hurt. I never ask because I never wanted to be a burden, like I had always told you. It feels terrible Clay Sanner. It really does. And as my favorite song goes, "I'll cry in the rain". Everly Brothers were the songs to sing me to sleep. All I Have To Do Is Dream is my favorite, but I don't think you knew that. 

That last summer, you never bother to call  my phone or even want to hang out. I never questioned it. I thought it was family problems, like you said. It's OK. The damage is done. Right? 

DId you even love me? Or was I just for the fun?..

Tell me Clay..Was I even important to you from the start? Because if I wasn't, why did you fake it like you cared about me? 

For crying out you showed your mother and blamed it on me like I was the one following you and asking for it. Let me tell you something Clay. In a "joking" way. You could be in heat like a needy dog thinking I felt the same scent for you. I didn't. I wasn't "horny" all the time like you thought I was when we texted or called. I only did that because of you. So thanks. I was used for you pleasuring need. Because of that, I didn't want to do any more. I just felt sick lately. Not from you, just people who seem to drag me down. You know? It's OK anyways. You should not have to worry about me in the first place. I'm just here for you entertainment. Right? Just a toy..

Your mother had said that you had expose another girl before. So I was afraid of that a little. I wondered if she was telling on herself because she lives inside the webs and all technology, but still scared me. She never liked me, so I understand why she said all this on the phone. You should not be mad at her. She could find someone better than a slut like me. When I die you can forget about me and move on to a whole new girl. Or you ex. Whichever makes you happy. Right?  It was for you, less of me. I'm OK with it. Just run away and don't look back, I'm better as a memory. 

But why was I waiting?..

Monday came around and I was back talking to Ethan. Back from his "mental" trip, he still seemed the same jackass. How many pills, I was surprised. I was a little happy to see him back in class actually. Though I wasn't too happy about him being friends with David but I can't control people. I had his number, thanks to Tristin but I never really bothered. It wasn't my place and time. 

I tried texting my ex, Miguel. I texted him with a "Hey"but he probably still has me on block. I still check to see if he had left me on read. And to be honest, I'd go through my random apps and text other people. Sometimes older boys my age. I realized I was seeking attention I couldn't quite have, so I stopped and deleted them all with a final text of "Bye". 

I remember being in the shower and crying. I remember how my ex did the same. I glance over to the razor, "Don't do this." I picked it up and places it on my thigh. "Don't do this. You don't have the guts." I told myself through my hics of tears. 

Whenever I cried for too long I'd start to loose my breathe. At times I'd have to be on the floor, asking for my air to ease. It hurts my chest and just feels lightheaded sometimes. 

The blade on my skin, I pushed it down. Not cutting. I shut my eyes and threw the razor away holding my head with my hands. I punched my thighs. Hard enough to were it felt like static. After the shower of steaming hot water I layed on the couch next to my cat. I had control of ending my life right there in the shower, but I stopped myself because I thought of Clay. I glance over at his hoodie. I take it and hugged it laying on my side. The scent was still there and soothes me to sleep. I miss falling asleep in you arms. Now a days sometimes my dying wish was to die in your arms. It never happened. It never will, will it?  I felt myself so snuggled and safe, you know? Not because I was short and small. It just felt..home..

I held the knife in my hand, big and sharp. My reflection showed on its blade. It made my veins ache and tremble. If I could, I would have done magic. Hit the puncture to instant death. Instead, I held it towards my thigh. The thigh I wanted to cut with the small razor blade. I grit my teeth. I'd hate myself forever. Clay would too. Everyone might as well do so too. 

Slow quick cut. The lines were straight like a rope had cut me. "I'm so sorry.." I toss the knife away in the sink and punched my thigh. I hate what I done. I hate myself for it. I hate myself! 

Days past and I never told anyone. I wanted to talk to Gunther about it, but I sent myself to the nurse that day. I broke down crying because it still haunted me. I knew I'd worry Clay, but I needed time for myself. Just a little to think things through. I took a nap and left for my next class right after meeting up with Clay, who was worn out. I felt bad for the awkward "ditch" but I needed it. Even after that I still had Gunther on my mind. A man of many secrets and studies. Different from most teachers, I liked that. I've studied how they communicated with students and other teachers, parents and I see a soft person. What an act. Though, I knew they'd keep an eye out on me. Clay did you ever tell them anything?... 

I didn't eat the past few days. Just chugged water down and that was it. No biggie. I didn't want to be a problem to anyone. 

I didn't sleep either..