15 Reasons Why | "You Could Save Her?"

Cassette 12: Side B

I thought about the cuts on my stomach. And how it was only that side of my stomach. I thought I was fat and useless most of the time. That's how some people see me. And how they see some females too I guess. Sad. I didn't bother cutting again that day or any other day. Whenever I would change, I'd see them reflected on the mirror. I'd frown. I never once cut in Junior school, so why now in High school? A lot of things gave me reasons to cut.
Imperfection.
Not being feminine enough.
Not being able to do makeup perfect.
Just basically a perfect female. I wasn't that. I never will be..

I never could talk to you Zandy. Even when our classes went to the Library that Friday. You neared me when we were near the Manga section. I tensed up. And without hesitation, I left to find another book. But I remember feeling timed. Heart pounding. You were with a friend anyways. I wonder if you did forget about me.

I am easily forgotten.

And who'd think you'll hear this anyways?

Why am I even talking about this..it's like I can't see you with another girl or something. I just...I guess I really did like you. Like.."like" you.

Josh and I were messing around, but I always wanted to look at you. Because I remember you. And I knew you tried your best to get my attention then in Junior school. But I wasn't sure then either.
Josh had made a joke about cutting. I remember holding my stomach and nervously laughing. "Yeah..I think I don't wanna read dragons.." I said as I left somewhere else.

My chemistry class, the group I sat in, had made a joke about cutting to. I felt so insecure. Nervous. My veins ached. And I wasn't wearing a jacket to hide that fear. Ethan gave me a weird look. I held myself and looked away from his gaze. His shades aren't helping my fear. "I feel like you're scared of blood. Or something." "N-no I just don't like anything to deal with veins." The boy next to me shows me his wrist and taps on his veins, "Like this?"
I'd be honest with you, I felt so lightheaded. You don't understand. There's a good attractive way of showing veins- but there's that fear I have. It's confusing. I know.
When I left that class, Ethan placed his arm around me. "I like you. You and I, we're gonna have some fun." That sent chills down my spine. He leaves and heads downstairs.

And seeing you, Ethan in the Library again. You scared me from behind. Locking me in your arm. I shrieked like an actual girl that time.
"Didn't expect to be seeing you here."
"J-just got a book is all." Your arm was heavy. Just above my chest. "Well don't worn yourself out on books," you said finally letting me go. "R-right I'll keep that in mind." You pat my head and left without a word.

I remember in summer school a boy had pat my head during lunch. It was that pat on the head letting you know they knew something. In that case, he must've thought I liked Javier or Miguel.

I blushed when Ethan had pat my head. I remember holding my head, confused and a little afraid.

The next day, in class we had a lab. You scared me to believe something was crawling down my back. Then you grabbed and pulled me next to you. "That's not funny!" I said. You laughed. So obnoxious and jackass of you, "It was worth it Riri."
"Don't call me that.." it was an old nickname..
"It suits you." His finger slides down my jawline. "Ngh- Leave me alone."
"Why?"
"I'll hurt you that's why."
"Yeah right.. I bet I can find all your little weak points right now.." I hushed myself embracing whatever he was going to do. He didn't.

Least not yet.

"Shy and feisty. Love it."
"Y-yeah well it's not for sell."
"I'll make it for sell.."
I pull away from your grip, "Yeah well talk to the owner." That meaning my boyfriend. Ethan you knew what I meant. "Hm..Why does he have to know?"
"I-I uh.."
"You're gullible."

Maybe that's why I cut that day. Because I felt weak.
"A cowards way out" Clay and Miguel had told me same. The irony. Thinking about cutting makes my fingers hurt and ache. My veins.

I don't want to cut.
And I want to talk it out, but I wish I didn't shut it all up. Maybe I need to be slammed into a wall to get my head together. I don't know..
I don't want to anymore..