Never felt this way before

Chapter 44

Day 2

You know when you sit there and really think about your life and choices you've made and just let it seep in that your choices have consequences that you never really noticed until you're in need of something or somebody?

Sebastian realized he wanted someone to talk to, and he really has nobody. He's pushed everyone away like they didn't matter, sometimes even thrown insults their way and just focused on his work, not even bothering to be nice to co-workers or go out with him either.

He's alone, and it really just hit him.

That one guy, Charles from work, tried hard to be Sebastian's friend and he let him down each and everytime. He had a bestfriend in highschool, but dropped him fast after graduation. He has no family, the ones he cared about dead and the others he doesn't even bother with.

He wonders, if he gave Charles a chance, would he be here right now, demanding why he hasn't been to work? Would he notice Sebastian wasn't okay? If he didn't leave his bestfriend, would he be here too? Or would be notice how much Sebastian is worthless, rude, mean, manipulating, a parasite that sucks the happiness out of people that are around him? If he talked to his family, would they even want to talk back?

When you're sitting in a dark room with a pack of cigarettes and just your feelings as company, everything feels kind of empty, blank, pathetic. That's exactly what Sebastian is feeling right now. He used to say that just because he was alone, doesn't mean he's lonely, and right now he's proving himself wrong.

He doesn't understand what is happening to him. Everything was so simple before Ciel came along, changing everything on it's axis and making Sebastian feel things. Ciel was supposed to just be a fuck for one night, but there was this draw to him, sucking out his life force everytime their lips met. His feelings bled onto Ciel's porcelain skin, unspoken words being whispered into his mouth. Ciel snuck into his life, making it so much better without Sebastian even realizing it.

He's a demon with feelings, it seems.

Before Ciel, whenever he thought of his future it was pitch black. Just darkness swallowing him whole, dragging him into an abyss where nothing matters, nothing hurts, and nothing tells him to be something he's not. There was no words replaying in his head, there was no fears, no pestering. He was alone. Now when he thinks about it, he just sees a boy with black hair and an eyepatch and a smile that makes the darkness dissipate and leave him standing in a field where the sun is shining on his back and his future looks a lot less dull.

Day 2 consists of Sebastian being trapped in his head.

Day 3

"Sebastian you haven't done any work for two days and I specifically remember telling you I needed a report on my desk by tonight and you haven't been into work at all."

His boss is nagging him over the phone, and Sebastian has a huge fucking hangover. He drowned himself in alcohol and self pity. Whoever said getting drunk solved problems were wrong, it just creates even more.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll come in an hour. I'm sorry, I've been... Out of it."

"Well get the fuck back in it." Click.

Sebastian lets out a big sigh, closing his eyes tight and rubs his temples, trying to force the headache that's dominating his head like a fucking beast.

Ciel would probably make him some tea and cuddle him and kiss him and nag him a little bit about drinking so much.

No, we can't think like that, idiot.

He gets up and hops into the shower, sighing as the hot water falls onto his sore, hungover body, but doesn't shower for too long, too much of in a hurry to enjoy bathing like a normal human being.

To be fair though, he hasn't bathed in 2 days and it's kind of gross.

He quickly throws on his work attire and heads out to work, wanting to shoot himself in the head. Maybe jump in traffic. Oh! Maybe get robbed or something. His thoughts are extremely dark and he just wants Ciel, funny enough.

Day 3 consists of working, getting nagged, threatened to be fired, and thinking of Ciel and what he's doing every second of the day.