Never felt this way before

Chapter 45

Day 4

Sebastian is currently in the kitchen, making a quick plate of pasta when his phone rings, an unknown number popping up. He raises an eyebrow and answers; "Hello?"

"Is this Sebastian?"

"Unfortunately."

"This is Alois, um, the blonde from Ciel's work? Boy who slept with Claude? Ciel said I looked like a child?"

"Yeah, yeah I remember. What the fuck do you want? I'm not going to fuck you, if that's what you're asking."

"NO. Jesus, christ. NO. I'm calling because I'm worried about Ciel and you're the only one who  can fix this disaster because you're a fucking idiot."

"How the fuck am I an idiot? We had a mutual agreement and we strayed from that and I ended it before anyone could... Get hurt." You're the hurt one, stupid ass.

"Don't sit here and try to act like you could care less. He used to talk about you constantly and he cares. Everyone knows fuck buddies don't end up successfully. Someone always gets feelings or even both and I think both of you fucking idiots got feelings. He works tomorrow, and  I'm gonna try to get him to actually go this time. Show up, buy a coffee, try to talk to him. Something. I'm begging you."

Sebastian closes his eyes and sighs heavily, a headache creeping into his skull and pounds on it real hard. "No. I ended it and it's going to stay ended, there's no fixing it when there's nothing to fix. He got feelings, it breached our little agreement and it's done. He can get over it."

"You're a fucking stupid, manipulating asshole, you know that? Ciel told me how you guys didn't just fuck all the time. You acted like you cared, you acted like boyfriends, and you have the nerve to be an asshole and say you didn't have feelings? Blame it on Ciel? It takes 2 to make an illusion like that shit and you fed into it. I don't know what you're scared of, but you better get the fuck over it before I go to your house myself and beat your stupid ass up. I may be short as fuck and skinny and adorable but my knee can hit straight up into that small ass dick that you use as a brain. FUCK. YOU. Get over yourself." Click.

What the fuck?

What is up with him pissing off tiny people with too much anger?

Day 5

He hasn't slept.

He literally has not slept, just stayed up smoking 2 packs of cigarettes and listening to Alois' words repeat in his head.

Is he really going to chase after somebody? Is he really going to try for someone when he barely tries anything for himself?

The answer is yes, because he is currently looking at the coffee shop Ciel works at, biting on his lip in a nervous manner. He hasn't seen Ciel in 5 days but it feels like 5 years and is heart feels like it's going to beat out of his chest.

He slowly walks into the coffee shop and immediately spots Ciel. He looks so good, so beautiful, so small and Sebastian just wants to hold him or kiss him or fuck him or even just have him look at him. It's pathetic.

He patiently waits in line, his whole body thrumming with nerves. When he finally hears Ciel's voice, he jumps a little, controlling himself so Ciel doesn't notice.

"Welcome, what can I get you?" He mumbles in a hard voice, cocking his hip with a hand on it.

"Not very polite are you?" Sebastian says. He's automatically angry and it's sad. He wants to calm down, but Ciel is being difficult.

"What. Can. I. Get. You?" Ciel basically demands, his tone icy and unforgiving.

Sebastian honestly wants to hide in a hole hearing that tone of voice, his whole body drowning in shame and regret.

"I want to talk." He says in a small but firm voice, trying to keep up a strong front.

"Fuck no, but I can get you coffee, or maybe a scone, or a cupcake maybe."

"I don't want a fucking cupcake, Ciel."

"Okay so a coffee and scone, what flavor."

"Ciel, seriously."

"Order or get the fuck out."

Sebastian was too busy staring at the gorgeous face that he didn't even notice his body covered in hickeys, and Sebastian goes in overload mode. He's angry, jealous, sad, wants to cry and throw something. Ciel is HIS. Ciel shouldn't be touched by anyone else but Sebastian.

What the fuck was he thinking letting Ciel go? Why did he do that? He forgot every single reason he told himself and now he just wants him back. He wants to fix it, wants to mark Ciel up with his own lips and cover the others.

He wants to possess, wants to own, and it's unhealthy but he needs it. He's so sad.

"Large caramel coffee. Nice hickeys by the way." He says it in an angry voice, his voice shaking a little as he says it. He can't even help it.

"Oh thanks, special, special friend gave them to me as he let me ride his fingers and cum all over his chest. It was nice." Ciel says smoothly, making Sebastian spike with even more jealousy and anger.

"Oh I bet." Sebastian says through gritted teeth, his fists clenching. He fucking hated the idea of another man touching Ciel and marking him up just the way he likes. Not helping the situation, he also notices Ciel ass in those jeans and now he wants to commit a murder.

Ciel comes up and hands him his coffee and smiles sickenly sweet at him, "That'll be $5.50, sweetie."

Sebastian can't take it anymore and just storms out after throwing money at him and grabs his coffee, he runs down the block and stops, breathing heavily and feeling tears roll down his cheeks and his eyes go wide in realization.

He's fucking crying.

He wipes his cheeks quickly, taking a deep breath, but it doesn't help at all, just makes him let out a loud sob and just lets it out, ugly crying and hating himself.

He hasn't cried in years. He didn't even cry when his parents died, he didn't cry as Ciel left, didn't cry as people kept continuing to leave his life. But now he cries, cries over the fact he let something good leave his life, let another man touch something he cares for so deeply and was too stupid to see it.

He was too scared.

The idea of love in his head is still so jumbled and unsure, so all he can settle on is that he cares about Ciel so deeply it hurts him, makes him confused, makes him angry and sad all at once. He doesn't understand, he doesn't know what to do with feelings for another human being.

He doesn't know how to handle being sad about losing someone, he doesn't know how to fix it, doesn't know how to show he cares. So he cries, cries out his feelings and confusion and he drops his coffee on the floor, sinking to his knees and cries out everything he's never let himself feel.

It hurts, he can't breathe and his vision is so cloudy, he's cold too and he wants to just curl up and die.

He's always been dramatic.

"Sebastian?"