Fixing you |~| louis Tomlinson

6 months on

Liam
A lot can change in 6 months. How a relationship can fall apart, how your kids can be dragged from you and your full sanity pulled away in such a short period of time. I could blame myself for it but i truly know it wasn't anything I could have helped. People find solitary in different places. Sophia's just didn't happen to lie with me anymore. She allows me to see Posie every few weeks which I still find unfair but the travel is a journey for a small baby to have to face every week. Louis on the other hand, was sent off to therapy a few months back. With the split being too hard on him, he was close to overdosing and we believed that the bigger Louis was easier to co operate with managing his feelings. I do miss his little side dearly but after his course there will be a decision made from his behalf. None of us can change what he says and it's eating away at me. Losing both my children in such a small time has sent me a little bit crazy and my nights often consist of drunken mistakes, drugs and deep wounds. Now, I may seem to have the happiest life but when Sophia left it spiralled. There wasn't a reason to get up anymore. To feed my two babies breakfast, to rock my boy to sleep if he had a terrible nightmare. Metaphorically I lost a son that night and it still haunts me to this day that we could have done things differently. None of us have been allowed to contact him for 4 months so all of us are clueless to how he's actually feeling, only being updated on his general health and well-being. Posie seems so big now, being able to sit up on her own was an achievement I sadly wasn't present for. My mother sent it me, the video of course. she happens to live close to Sophia and she sometimes uses her as a babysitter. Today is the day I've been dreading, finally seeing Lou again. Me and Sophia are meeting there, we want posie with us of course, she holds a special place in his heart and we send him photographs regularly. With my long sleeved shirt and sunglasses on my curls I finally start my car. It feels crazy not to have anyone with me anymore, to see two empty car seats in the back just desolate and empty. It breaks my heart. With a drive of a lengthy 5 hours I know I better set some films on in the background. With my mind in a constant whirlwind of daydreams it isn't long before I arrive. Sophia seems to be impatient, holding posie on her hip carelessly as she scrolls through her phone. I smile fondly as I approach them, happy to know my baby recognises me. I hold out my arms for her, Sophia letting go reluctantly as I breathe in the strawberry scent of her ginger curls. Now, ginger was not a colour we expected her to come through with but of course she looks adorable regardless.

"Do you reckon he'll be angry with us" Sophia asks timidly.

"How would I know" I respond curtly entering the building.

The assistant seems helpful and it isn't long before we're situated in a room with a large play area and a table with surrounding chairs.

"He's going to be with us in a few, he seems to be packing a few of his items away"

"That's fine, my boy can take as long as he needs" I smile softly.

I'm excited to see him, to hear his voice after such a long time. To her Lou's voice. His grown up voice no longer holds the same meaning to me. Louis was a shell, Lou was the real person behind it, I just hope he sees that.

"Here he is"

As he walks in I'm unsure of what to do. Do I stand and hug him? Do I let him sit beside us. It's clear my actions are chosen for me as he sits opposite me and Sophia at the table, smiling softly at posie who grins back.

"Can I hold her" he asks softly still looking at me and Sophia for approval.

"Sure you can boo" I lift her easily over the table as he takes her in his arms.