CORDIVILLA: Breathless

Chapter 48

Chapter 48

I was running after my breath as I forcefully jolted on my bed. Mulat na mulat ako habang naka-upo sa kama at hinahabol ang hininga. Mabilis kong kinapa ang switch ng lampshade at pinindot iyon. The low light radiating from the lampshade succumbed to the darkness.

Sunod sunod ang patak ng aking luha habang dinadama ang kirot sa aking dibdib. Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig at pa-impit na umiyak. Tanging iyak ko lamang ang maririnig sa aking malawak na kwarto. Umiling ako at ibinaon ang mukha sa aking tuhod.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I murmured while crying.

I keep huffing and puffing while crying loudly. Pumikit ako ng mariin at inalala ang sinabi ng therapist ko. It's been years! It's been years and I am still haunted by the harrowing memories! I am still hanged onto the mistakes I committed.

"You need to forgive yourself, Veil. Accept that you made missteps and if that person is not here so you can personally ask absolution, then it is high time, it is yourself you have to pardon. Your nightmares are caused by the antipathy you feel for yourself. You hated yourself for what you have done and because you love this person so much at labis mo ring nasaktan ang taong ito kaya mo kinamuhian ang sarili mo dahil sa nagawa mo."

I sat there, unmoving and still weeping in the middle of my dim room. In my nightmares, I always come accross with those beautiful deep blue angry and tired eyes looking at me in a disappointed and pained emotion. In other turns of my torment, I always dreamed of us in happy circumstances.

And it's excruciatingly painful that I have been living with those nightmares and dreams for the past years. Akala ko ay tumigil na ito, dahil sa mga nakaraang buwan ay hindi na ako dinadalaw ng mga ito. I am tired of crying, I am so tired of carrying this baggage in my heart. Pero kahit anong gawin ko hindi ito matanggal-tanggal.

Isang oras akong naka-upo doon. Base sa orasan na nasa lamesa na katabi ng aking kama, alas tres pa lamang ng umaga. Naihilamos ko ang aking kamay sa mukha at marahas na bumuntong hininga. I can't go back to sleep in this state.

Nanghihina akong umalis sa kama at lumabas ng kwarto. I am living alone in my condo. I bought this on my own a year ago and I'm quite proud of myself for buying things using my own cash. Pinaghirapan ko ang perang ginamit ko sa pangbili ng condo at sasakyan ko.

Dumiretso ako sa kusina at mabilis na nagtimpla ng gatas para kalmahin ang sarili. Ang kirot sa aking dibdib ay hindi nawawala. Para akong patay na gumagalaw at pilit hinihimok ang lahat ng lakas para huwag manghina ng husto. I have no one here to attend me so I need to be strong.

After flavoring my milk, I went back to my room. I turned the lights on and went on my working table. Nilapag ko ang mug sa tabi ng aking laptop at umupo. Ilang minuto akong nanatiling nakatitig lamang sa taro ng gatas bago ako gumalaw para buksan ang drawer sa ilalim.

I pulled out my old phone inside the empty drawer. Iyon lamang ang nakalagay doon. Tinitigan ko ang dating cellphone sa aking kamay at habang tumatagal ay mas lalong sumisikip ang aking dibdib. My eyes swelled again. Hanggang kailan bubuhos ang mga luhang ito? Hindi na ba matatapos?

A faint voice in my mind is telling me not to open the phone but a greater force told me to push the power button. Suminghap ako nang bumukas ito. The battery is low. Kailan ko huling binuksan ito? Months ago.

I promised myself not to open it anymore pero hindi ko mapigil ang sarili. I even swore sometimes that I should throw it away, break it or burn it but I just couldn't. I kept it inside this drawer for a long time.

Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig nang binuksan ko ang Gallery. Agad na bumungad sa akin ang naka-folder na litrato. Hot liquid fell from my eyes as I slowly swipe the screen to view the photos inside the folder. Tinupi ko ang tuhod sa upuan at doon iniyak ang sakit at pangungulila habang tinititigan ang mga litrato niya at naming dalawa.