Bloom in the rain

Chapter 3, Ep 47. Pew pew pew, gimme a KITH

Do you ever just hate yourself?

Like aggressively, passionately hate yourself?

And no not just your body, but everything. Your mindset, your lifestyle, your physical state and your mental state?

Because I fucking despise myself.

I mean, sometime I wonder why anyone would want me, I wonder why david even likes me, dude is way out of my league

I even wonder why Lucas 'loved me'

Maybe it's because he could tell, tell that I didn't even love myself, so he used me. I don't understand why I don't love myself.

I'm confident with wearing stuff, I'll wear whatever I want. Sometimes I feel comfortable and sometimes I don't.

It's a love hate relationship with my body, I mean, listen, on other girls? Stretch marks and all that stuff, beautiful.

But when I have it, I feel like it's the most nasty thing on me, and my stomach, it was a bit flabby, it never went back to how it was after giving birth

And I expected that to happen, and I expected scars to be made, but I didn't expect to remember every memory from each scar

Like my stomach, birth.

My first 'birth' was me over the toilet, crying in pain.

I did go to the hospital, and they told me it was a early miscarriage.

But mind you, I was only 15

My next, was Leyanna, my heart and soul.

Her birth was hard, since I've never given birth I was extra scared, while in labor, the only ones in my room were mani and her mom.

Liyah had some class.

And no, Lucas wasn't there. He was never there, for any of them.

I remember before Leyanna birth, I was so adamant on saying 'I can't be tied to this baby' things like that, because I hear the stories of mothers

Talking about how they didn't know what real true love felt like until they gave birth to their child.

I didn't believe those people.

Then they laid Leyanna's head in my chest, and I got to hold her, she didn't cry, she cooed, or whatever noises baby's can make being newborns

She looked exactly like me.

She was 5 pounds, 5 ounces.

I knew what love was when I held her, so all that talk I said about not believing this women?

Was a lie.

I would do anything for her, whatever I can to save her and to protect her.

Then, there was my next...which is also the reason I wouldn't like any kids.