Guilty as Charged

23- Straightforward

He fucking went to the bathroom, leaving me alone here. He really does have no idea how much suffering he's causing me.

But then again, I was the one who was looking for him before...

Does that mean, I trust him now?

I really don't have the answer to that question or maybe I do, it's buried so deep inside that I don't know how to look for it. Only if someone could help me ease this burning sensation.

But I know I'm asking for the unbelievable. Maybe not on that level, but still it's unachievable to ask for someone or something that will ease this whirling of a mind.

"And why they shouldn't?" Hoseok's cold voice pierced through me again, like earlier this morning in front of his very door. "They are your friends, aren't they? They have the right to know about their other  friends' secrets, right?"

"Hoseok, you're being a brat. Stop." Jimin raised his voice again. But since his voice is already very high, I don't know how to explain his raised voice. But all in one, he sounded angry.

I was angry too, but I couldn't raise my voice. I couldn't even find my voice at that very moment. I was just sitting there, trying not to think of ways to kill Hoseok.

Though, he did nothing wrong. He was just giving me back what I gave him and Jimin.

"Oh, I am a brat now? How come you are so nice and shit to him? Also, how did you think I'd tolerate you bringing him to my house?" Hoseok never said my name, he was just referring to me as he or him and whatnot.

Thank you, Jimin, for letting me confirm that Hoseok hates me.

"I thought you would tolerate him because I thought you are more of a better friend. Just because he did something wrong in the past, doesn't mean he can never change or get this thing called a second chance."

"Oh really? How are you so sure that he changed? And if you really believe in him so much, then maybe you should just hang out with him alone." Hoseok's every single word stung like needles in every single one of my pores. I could feel his anger, and all I could do was think, It's not his fault, it's all mine.

"Um bros, you wanna explain or not?" Namjoon, who was clearly at lost, asked in a very quiet voice, afraid that either Jimin or Hoseok will yell at him at some point.

"I'm sure he's changed because I know him and I'm sure that you know that too. You are just holding onto your anger and pride. Hoseok, don't start with me, I know full well you want to let go but you just can't." Jimin's voice calmed down. He was trying to reason with Hoseok about something that can't be reasoned with.

Also, Namjoon's question was completely ignored.

"Well, I'm sorry that I remembered how I brought you cocaine, Jimin. I can't let go of something like that, now can I?"

He said it. He said what was buried alive inside me to the whole table, who were gawking at Jimin and Hoseok arguing.

"Hoseok, you're being very immature. It was just childsplay. You can't move on the good things if you hold on to the bad ones." Jimin sounded very wise to be a sixteen year old. Why do I get my grandpa vibe from him?

"Jimin, it's not like that. You don't understand my point of view, just like I can't understand yours. It's better if we just stop arguing over this." Hoseok started eating his sandwich, looking at something that I couldn't see.

I never thought the three best friends that did everything together would fall apart like this, just because one of them fucked everything up.

It was all my fault that not only I'm hated by the people I once valued, now they are also arguing over whether I'm good or bad.

I can answer that question.

I am both good and bad. And that's the most dangerous combination.

And then all of a sudden, I found my voice. And I didn't hesitate to say what was on my mind for two years now.

"I'm sorry."

All of them, including Jungkook, looked at me. Except for Jimin and Hoseok, the rest of the guys didn't have any idea why I was apologizing.

"I'm sorry that I reached a point where you have to argue over me as to whether I have changed or not. Instead of you guys arguing, I think it's better for all of us if I just solve the problem, right?"

"I didn't change. I just locked away a part of me that only knew jealousy and greed. Believe it or not, I still have thoughts about how to mess with people. Hoseok's right, all I ever can do is nose in other people's businesses. What can I say, I can't just abandon how I grew up right?"

I was a good liar from the beginning. I just didn't know how to use that talent of mine. But today, I found a good way to use it.

I'll use it to sew up the tear that formed between Jimin and Hoseok. And when all is done, I'll slip away from them while they don't have any idea that I slipped away. After that, all of us would be happy and I don't have to sit in front of my karma and face it, literally.

I don't remember what happened next. All I can say is, none of us said a single word afterward and I didn't see or hear from them for a while.

__________ . . . . . __________

Except for Yoongi.

The next day when school started, I saw Jimin avoiding me. I knew that would happen one day, sooner or later. And I didn't give much thought to it. As mentioned before, I liked how this was going.

I would break away from the bond, that Jimin and Hoseok built up with me, very slowly and hope it doesn't affect me too much. I'll go far away from their minds to the point when we see each other on the street, we will think of each other as nothing but strangers.

I just hope that happens quickly.

I was alone again during lunchtime. Jimin went out again, as well as Namjoon. It's like we never spent time with each other. It was like I dreamed of the times when we used to text and when the group chat used to be alive.

I miss those days.

Unfortunately, people can't always have what they ask for, which, in my case happens a little too many times.

"Did you write your song yet?" Yoongi's deep voice felt soothing to my ears. I wasn't surprised to find him standing next to me.

Though the weird part of this was that Yoongi of all people got through the hustle of moving all the way from his class to mine to ask whether I finished my song or not. For all I knew, I thought Yoongi would rather give up the world than move an inch from his seat.

"Um, no. Why?" I decided to play it cool, despite all the observing that I was doing.

"I think you know why. I told you this before. It's got nice lyrics and I can practically hear what it's going to sound like." Yoongi took Namjoon's seat next to me, indicating he's about to get into some real business, also reminding me of how Jimin took Namjoon's seat the other day.

Or, Yoongi was just too lazy to stand.

The second reason seemed more relevant in the case of Yoongi.

"Well, I have no interest in it anymore. You can call the song yours if you want." I answered him like I didn't care, and truth was, I didn't care.

I lost all my motivation.

There was yet another silence between us. I felt better in silence now, like before I came here. I didn't feel uneasy anymore, it was like I found my old self again.

The good one.

"I know you don't want to tell me, but exactly what happened?"

Yoongi's straight forward question made me realize more that he was indeed my mentor. I want to be like him, I want to be a person who is unaffected by the negative things around him and inspired by the positive things.

"Are you asking that out of curiosity or to get to know me better?" I tried to be straightforward with my answer as well.

"Let's say, both."

__________ . . . . . __________