Genesis

Its so hard.....

The days flew by and once Saturday was here I started getting anxious. This will be the first time he has held our daughter since she was born. She finally gets to meet her daddy. I know it's so many dress codes when visiting someone in prison so I dress me and Leyah in matching Mommy and Me outfits. I slid myself on a pair of black high waist pants with a long sleeve pink sheer blouse that had big gold buttons going down the front. I put a black cami on underneath just in case they said it was too revealing I went to my closest in search of the pink and black pumps he bought me a few month ago. Dressing little mama in a pair of black pants a pink long sleeve shirt with gold buttons on the front and pink and black baby timbs, I took one look of us in the mirror and was actually pleased on how we both looked. His sister is gonna go with us just in case im a wreck after the visit and can't drive. After strapping her in the car seat and settling myself in the front we hit the road. It's an hour and a half drive from us to him so I had plenty of time to get all my anxiety out.

"You nervous?" Chanica asked me as she turned on the freeway. I didn't know the answer to be honest. I'm filled with several emotions and I can't pin point just one.

"I don't know girl. I'm happy to my see nigga. I'm excited for him to meet his daughter. I'm mad as hell he left us and I'm sad because I miss the fuck outta him,"

"Well we all are taking it a day at a time just live in the moments that you get to spend with him today and not in the moments that y'all missed together."

"Yeah iight. That's easier said than done sis."

"Only if you choose to be miserable." She cut the music up to end the convo and I'm glad she did. It's always easy to tell someone how yo feel when your not them. Yes that's her brother but that MY nigga. My child's father. The man I love. How can I not think about all the moments we missed as a family. The moments he was suppose to share with his first child.

I must've ended up taking a nap because when I opened my eyes she pulling into a parking spot. I reach into my purse and grab his favorite scent that he loves. I spray a little Flower Bomb perfume behind my ears in between my chest and on my wrists. I also grab My clear pouch filled with change just in case he wants something to eat or drink. The sign in process was long in irritating. Filling out papers wasn't the worse part, the actually search was. This big bald man who took his job too seriously and was enjoying it a little too much started mauling his hands up and down my body. Lifting my breast and rubbing under them looking for "anything out of the ordinary". I swear I heard him sniff my hair which made me want to throw the fuck up. After what seemed like hours we all were finally allowed through the gates. We were shuttled into this giant room that was filled with chairs of different colors and different board games. On the left side of the building was a wall filled with different vendors g machines for snacks and drink and on the other was a giant mural of a bridge and flowers. I assume that's where you go to take pics. I could really care less about all this shit I just really wanna see my baby.

I never wanted to put her through this. The searches, the drives, the headache. The thought of it all has been tearing me up inside. After the men get searched and ready to go the door that separates us from our families is opened. Your hit with the smell of different perfumes, sounds of children screaming, wives and mothers crying. You get a small taste of the outside world. I search the room looking for my babies and my eyes land on my sister first. She flashes me a soft smile and I walk slowly over to their table. My feet feel like cinder blocks and my heart gets a little heavy. Why am I so fuckin nervous for? This my family not strangers, not my first date. I reach them and bend down to whisper and my girls ear.

"What up ma." She smells so damn good. She knew exactly what to put on. She stands up and turns around and my breath is knocked out my body. I knew my daughter would be here but I didn't know exactly how it would make me feel. I never knew someone so small could hold so much power. She can have what ever she wants from me, she already has me around her little finger. Gen places her in my arms and positions the babies head in the nook of my arm. She opened her eyes and started giggling. Like she knew exactly who I was .

"Hey bro, how you holding up ?"

"I'm straight. Just takin it day by day ya know. I'm glad to see y'all For real. Y'all don't know how this shit will drive a nigga crazy."

"You want anything daddy?"

"Yeah go see what they got and just bring me what I like. Thanks bae" Gen gives me a kiss and starts walking over to the other side of the building.

"How she is she REALLY doin"

"You want the truth?"

"Duh. Why the fuck would I want a lie." My voice came out a little louder than I wanted it too and it startled the baby. She started to cry but held her tighter and starting rocking Freon side to side. This daddy shit might be a little easier than I thought. A

"She not handing it well Jay. I'm worried as hell for her. She won't eat, she barely come out her room, and the other night I went to go check in on her and she was crying in her sleep. She's in bad shape bro." Hearing her tel me all this almost made a nigga cry. I love her more than life. But I can't change what I done and I can't take back the past few months. What I can do though, is try to help her. If I'm causing that pain it's only one way that I can stop it. I looked down at the mini version of myself that was in my arms and kissed her on her forehead. Whatever happens know daddy got you. Daddy only want what's best for you. I hand the baby over to my sister and tell her to make sure They are always good. She looked at me with a confused face and then gave me a nod. She knew what I was about to do was best for them. Gen started walking over to the table so I told Nica to take the baby and go to the next few tables over.

"I got you some chips, a soda, and a double cheeseburger out the machine, a couple of the people over there said it was good so I figured you might wanna try it." She put all the food on the table and set in the chair beside me. I pulled her chair in front of me put my hands on her thighs.

"How you doing ma?"

"I'm iight. Just ready for you to come home." I look in her eyes and actually see the bags under them. How sunken in they are.

"I love you." I told her as the tears burn the back of my eyes.

"I love you too," she leaned in and kissed me. She tried to pull away but I grabbed the back of her head and held her in place. I kissed her hard and rough like it was the last kiss I'll ever get from her. After a few minutes we both pull away trying to catch our breath.

"You know y'all are the most important people in my life. And no matter what I'll always want the best for you. Sittin around waiting on me is not the best. You deserve a nigga that can hold you at night, and wake up to you in the morning. A nigga that won't put y'all in danger." I tried to remain strong but the thought of her with another nigga broke me. I started crying like a bitch and the look of hurt and confusing didn't make it any better.

"What are you doing? Why are you... how ? I don't understand. I'm fine. I only want you. I will wait for YOU. I'm okay I promise." She was balling tears now and the guards were starting to look. I grab her hands on mine and brought them to my lips.

"I know you will, but you shouldn't. Live your life baby. Go to school , go clubbing do all the things you should be doing. I made my choice and I'm paying the price. But you. You don't deserve any of this shit ma." I try to kiss her one more time but she turns her head and snatches her hands from mine. I kiss her on her on the cheek and then stand to leave. Walking away from her I can hear her crying. It takes all of me not to turn back around and take it all back but I knew I couldn't. I had to hurt her to save her. I had to hurt her to free her.